this is not where it ends

Time. It's one of those things that there is either not enough of or too much of. For the past three months, there hasn't been enough of it.  At least there hasn't been enough of it during the moments I want it most.

I spent my time last weekend with my best friend. I bid farewell to OKC a bit before 3:00pm and arrived at our hotel a little after 6:30pm. I enjoyed the solitude of the hotel room and then the solitude of the hotel gym. She arrived close to 10:00pm, and we immediately jumped into quality time - starting with an amazing bottle of wine and a delicious cheeseburger.

A little over 36 hours together, and we fit in nearly 48 hours worth of talking, shopping, and laughing. It wasn't nearly enough, but it was what we had so we enjoyed it as much as we could.

This morning my alarm went off at 7:37am, and after cleaning the kitchen a little, I settled outside on the porch and watched our dogs chase squirrels. I can't remember the last time I took the time I had and just sat, outside with the dogs. My mind wandered as it often does, and I prayed about all the worries that seem to creep into the moments of silence and free time.

Generally, we go to church at 9:00am, but I just can't pull myself together enough to shower, fix my hair, and get dressed. I need more time to sit, more time to pray, more time to just simply be. So I am taking that time right now.

It's funny, though, because six months ago I had a lot of time and I spent most of it doing nothing. I would sit on the couch, catch up on my favorite TV shows, and procrastinate on productivity. I thought about writing and considered my novel, but I very rarely opened up my MacBook with the intention of putting thoughts and consideration to the page.

Now that I'm so stretched for time, I would give anything to have that free time. To know where writing fit in. To keep my house clean. To cook dinner on a nightly basis. To do all those things I used to do (some of the time) but often took for granted.

Yet I know having all the free time in the world wouldn't amount to much. I'd still need to make the decision, every hour and every minute, on how I would spend that time. And I know that I would quickly fall into the trap of wasting the time away on the couch.

It's important to take a few minutes, and sometimes hours, to simply relax and not rush. I need those moments for my own sanity. But as a way of life, it's not the best.

So now I am busy. Working 60-70 hours a week. Doing my best to squeeze in four or five workouts a week. Spending time with my husband and our friends and my two dogs on the weekend. Breathing on Saturdays and Sundays, napping if I am lucky, and getting ready to do it all over again.

Being so busy I am more aware of my time and how I spend it. I'm still seeking the balance of resting and remaining focused. I'm still learning how my body reacts to sleep and lack of sleep. I'm discovering that certain things, like work-outs, need to be done first thing in the morning no matter how exhausted I feel. Because that work-out will rejuvenate me and fuel the rest of my day.

I miss writing the most. Putting my thoughts out there for the Internet to read. I miss my novel, too. I have so many vivid moments in mind for that story, and the story calls to me most every day. I miss working out twice a day. I love the feeling of sweat pooling at my temples. I love how out of breath I get when I run and then how accomplished I feel when I look down and see I burned an average of 10 calories a minute.

I could sit here and say I don't have enough time to do any of those things. That I am too busy and there are simply not enough hours in the day. It certainly feels that way most days. But truly, I do have the time. I simply need to make the choice on how to spend the time and remain committed to it.

So that's where I am right now. Needing to make the commitment and then needing to stick to it. Making the commitment is the easy part. Sticking with it is a different story.

Here is my commitment. I'm going to use MyFitnessPal daily. I'm going to make the right choices for food. I'm going to get up in the mornings and make it to the gym. And I'm going to report on all of it daily here.

I want to tell that story. Or continue to tell it really. I want this space to reflect where I am right now at almost 40 pounds lost and another 60 or so to go. I want to stop making excuses and start making choices.

I want to take the time I have and know that it is more than enough.

(title from "see you again" by carrie underwood)

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