i'm happy to know you

I worked until 11:00pm on Friday night, and the first thing I noticed when I stepped inside my house was that it was clean.

We're not the tidiest of couples. Add two shedding dogs into the mix plus a wife (me) who is now working 60 hours a week, and being not so tidy quickly turns into overwhelmingly messy. So to come home to a house cleaned by my husband warmed my heart.

My husband knows exactly what I need - even though I don't always know what I need. He's proven that time and time again.

The clean house was just the start to the weekend he planned for Valentine's Day. He wanted to make sure that I didn't have to worry about a single thing this weekend - allowing me time to relax. The clean house also provided us a chance to continue our Valentine's Day tradition of dinner and a movie.

Valentine's Day 2008

It's a little cliché, but that's how we spent our first Valentine's Day as a couple and then a year later our first Valentine's day as a married couple. We almost didn't have a first Valentine's Day date; he convinced me that I wouldn't see him and I was crushed.

But then he surprised me and showed me that he knew me well and would always find a way to make me feel special.

To read more about our first Valentine's Day and the expectations I had (and then learned to put aside), you'll have to visit Jordy Liz Blogs where I am guest posting for the day!

(title from "paperweight" by joshua radin)

the rest of my life can't compare

Whenever I go to a work-out class, the instructor begins by reminding everyone to take it to their own level. And so I do - or at least I try to.

It was easier to take it to my own level when my level was as low as it could be. When I walked into zumba for the first time, I knew I couldn't twist or turn as much as the other participants. I knew that just being in the class, standing for an hour, and trying to move was more exercise than I'd had in a very long time. And it was enough.

Now, nearly 10 months later, I can't do just the bare minimum - at least not if I want to burn calories and get fit. So, the question becomes, what can I do?

There are injuries that I've sustained in the past which keep me from some things. Or at least that's what I tell myself and other people. The closer I get to losing 100 pounds and being strong, though, the more I realize that the injuries are healing. The more I see that I can no longer hide behind the past knee surgeries, the past torn ligaments, the past things I used as excuses for why I didn't run or work out.

Boot Camp on Wednesday reminded me of this. We started with a warm-up that included jumping jacks. Taking it to my own level meant I had a choice: I could do the easier jumping jack (moving one leg at a time while moving my arms) or I could push myself and jump up and down - moving my legs in a way they haven't moved since high school. Timidly, I chose to push myself, and as I completed the first jumping jack, I realized that my body moved in a much different way than it had back in April. I realized that I really could do this thing they call exercise.

I didn't do every jumping jack perfectly. My feet didn't lift quite as high off the floor. But I did something I had no idea my body could do.

It didn't just stop there either. I found that I could pull my body all the way up into a fill sit-up with ease. I also found that running wasn't as difficult as it had once been. And those squats I used to be so fearful of? I was starting to enjoy them.

No one can tell me what I can do or can't do. It's up to me to listen to my body and to know just how far I can take it. My squats aren't as deep as some people's, and I do not run quite as quickly as others. But it doesn't matter. I'm not racing anyone but myself.

It's strange - this new body I have. It's a temporary weight, but it's 36 pounds lighter and much stronger than how I started. The capabilities my body has now are so much greater than what it had 10 months ago. And the capabilities will be even greater in another 10 months.

There is every possibility that I could do all those things when I was 36 pounds heavier, but I didn't believe in myself then. I didn't push myself then. But now, I do believe in myself and I love having something to push myself towards. I love telling myself that I really can do all these things and then seeing myself actually do them.

Watching other people helps. At Boot Camp, there are a hundred other people also working out. We're split into three teams based on our capabilities. I'm in the alpha group (AKA the beginners group), and I think that honestly I could have made it into the middle group if I had just pushed myself harder. When we completed the assessment, I didn't think I could do a full sit-up or run more of a mile. I needed this chance to sit back and watch everyone else and realize that I am stronger than I thought. I needed to be reminded that I'm not the same girl I was 10 months and 36 pounds ago. I needed to see other people doing exercises and then think to myself I can do that and then actually do it.

I talked a big game when I first started - mentioning how I wanted to run a marathon. And I do, but when I first said it, I thought it would never be possible. I thought it was a good dream to have but knew my knees wouldn't allow it. But now? Now it's a real possibility. Not today or tomorrow but somewhere in the future.

Nothing is out of reach for me now. Which is amazing and also terrifying. Rather than be scared, I'm going to choose to concentrate on all the amazing possibilities - another thing I never would have done 10 months ago.

(title from "they bring me to you" by joshua radin)

i'll return when it's time

Christmas started on Friday evening. We gathered with Justin's family, on his mom's side, and enjoyed an evening of food, conversation, dirty Santa and catching up with people we had not seen in a year. It's a tradition they've had since before Justin was born, and usually occurs on Christmas Eve. With Christmas on a Sunday this year, his grandmother wanted to make it to church Sunday morning.

One of the traditions I had growing up was attending church on Christmas Eve. The Christmas story was told, and the night would end with singing "Silent Night" by candelight.

Our church held service on Christmas Eve. There wasn't candle light, but there was singing and the sharing of the Christmas story. It was a night that reminded me, again, of what Christmas means to me. It was a night that we walked away from and felt cautiously optimistic.

Many people, myself included, make resolutions the very first day of the new year. But this year, Christmas marked the start of the new year for me. Christmas spoke to me. It reminded me that life starts over every year. It reminded me that some years will be more difficult than others, but there is always a new year coming. And that new year always comes with the promise of hope and love.

I'm choosing hope now. As scary as it is to be optimistic about the upcoming year, I feel that things will change. So much has already been set in motion.

And so, after the Christmas Eve service, I felt lighter than I had in weeks. Christmas itself might not have gone exactly the way I wanted it to - we didn't make it to a Christmas movie - but it was a beautiful and wonderful weekend.

We were so blessed this year by our friends and family. Not just in the way of gifts but in the way of thoughtfulness and in the way of hope and in the way of love.

Many of the gifts we received were gifts we had been wanting and needing, and they're gifts that will continue to give. A 17-piece stainless steel cook set. A beautiful mustard yellow stock pot. A new knife set. An indoor grill/griddle combo. Cookbooks. The chance to dress my kitchen and open my front door to guests.

So much has recently been set in motion. The possibility of extra income. Reconnecting with old friends. The beginnings of a new novel. The decision to pursue others and my dreams. Letting go of many things and opening myself to whatever awaits me this upcoming year. Trusting that God truly does know what is best and reminding myself that I can lean into His plans without fear.

That's what Christmas has been. The day itself as well as the days that proceeded it and the days that came after.

I head back into the real world of work tomorrow. And while I would much rather remain in this land of no work and Christmas, I know that when I head back I will do so with renewed energy, rediscovered hope, and a clean house.

(title from "you've got growin' up to do" by joshua radin)

it's come to this

picture found here.

The day started with a doctor's appointment. A follow-up to the day, three weeks ago, when I had a pint of blood drawn and then tested for a lengthy list of conditions that can cause an enlarged liver. Things like hepatitis and Wilson's disease.

I was slightly nervous having googled enlarged liver and headache the day before, but I also had a sense of peace. It had been three weeks. The doctor had not called in a panic asking me to come in early.

And there was nothing. Every test came back negative. No viruses. No diseases. No genetic conditions. There was a sigh of relief, and then we talked about diet and about exercise.

My liver enzymes are slightly elevated. They are just a few points over what is considered normal, so my doctor is not too alarmed. He wants to monitor it with a visit and blood work every six months. But as far as he is concerned, it is something I can change and fix. It is all in my hands now.

I've struggled with my weight for years. I try for a little while, and then I always stop trying. I spent some time taking diet pills. Other time forcing myself to not eat (or to purge what I did eat). I wanted to be skinny, but I never wanted to do all the hard work. It seemed easy for everyone else, and I wanted it to be easy for me.

There is a part of me even still that wants an easy solution. But I know the easy solution is not something I can come by. I know that this getting healthy and working towards a better me is going to take a lot of hard work.

I've said I was ready before. And I was for a moment in time. But I easily lifted my hands and gave up and stopped trying. I don't want to be that person. I want to continue to move towards my goal. I want to work towards something, achieve it, and then continue to work towards something else.

I want the number on the scale to decrease. I also want my pants and shirts to become too large resulting in a need to go shopping for new clothes. But more than that, I want to be healthy. Because weight and size of clothing is not only dependent on diet and exercise. It has to do with genetics and build type. But health? That is all me.

This is new territory for me. I know some about healthy eating thanks to a nutrition class I took in college. Still, knowledge and application are two entirely different things. I can spout off the knowledge, yes, but when I go to apply the knowledge to my everyday life, it's a bit tricker.

Portion... what is that? And this doesn't really have that many calories, right? It's only a diet coke.

Then there is snacks and the elusive fullness. I make decent choices for lunch, but by the middle of the afternoon, my stomach is empty and grumbling and I find myself eating something that completely undoes all the good lunch did.

And exercise? I want to exercise. It sounds good in theory. There have been more mornings than I can count that started with the intention of working out, and there was a period of several months where I successfully made it to the gym at least three days a week.

But something always happens. I get tired. Or sick. Or just need "a break." (It could just be plain laziness, too.) I no longer feel inspired. Or I feel like it's just not working, that there is no progress being made, and I feel like there will be no future progress.

It's all excuses. And they need to stop now.

So I am putting it all out on the line. I'm saying I need to change, and I am going to hold myself accountable. I don't know exactly how this will all work out, and I am not sure what my plan is going to be. But I am going to do something about this.

It's funny really. Everything is changing. I am being pushed out of my comfort zone and into the unknown. With my writing. With my health. With every aspect of my life. And I know it's for a reason. God is definitely up to something.

(title from "what if you" by joshua radin)