answered in silent reverie

picture found here.

A week ago Thursday, I attended a writer's critigue. These were a regular occurence during my years as an undergraduate student, and as painful as they could sometimes be, as it always hurts to have your writing picked to pieces and then put back together with glue, I walked away with better ideas and also an appreciation for other writers.

Writing is a solitary thing. But it helps to have others who will edit your work and tell you when you need to let go of an idea and move on. In a lot of ways, it is similar to exercising and losing weight. While it is up to me to make the decision to be healthy and it is up to me to complete the exercises, having a partnermakes it that much easier.

I'm searching for the people in my life who will be those partners. I'm doing my best to surround myself with positive influences and to dig down deep to find the strength I often need to truly follow through.

It's a time of introspection. A time of change. And I often go silent during those times, retreating from writing on the blog until I can better sort out the thoughts in my head.

I'm still not there yet to be honest. But I guess I will never be all the way there. Life will continue on, and different things will occur making it harder (or easier) to complete the tasks that I am learning are integral to who I am as a person.

Through all of this, my husband and I are working on our life together. Taking a hard look at our finances. Coming up with and following through on solutions (like a debt consolodation loan). Searching for part-time jobs and committing to spending less money even though it can be difficult.

We purchased a new car over the weekend. One that will save us money in both gas and car payments. I'm anxious something will happen and that it will fall through and then what? The car is not yet in our physical grasp, as it had to be ordered from another dealer, so we wait. And wait. And my anxiety grows because that's just how I am. My husband laughs and shakes his head. He reminds me that we prayed about this. That we felt like this was the right decision to do. That we have a pre-approval check from our bank. The list can go on really.

But what do I do? I google. I scour the Internet. I go every possible happening in my head and worry about it all. I pray and I ask God to stop my worrying, but I don't really let go of the thoughts. Because I am a control freak. And I just can't seem to stop being a control freak.

Maybe when I turn 26? It's four days away. My birthday. The first birthday when I am no longer in my mid-twenties. Or my early twenties. The first birthday of my late twenties. And I feel like I should have it all figured out. That I should know how to be healthy. That I should have a firm grasp on my writing. That I should know where I want to go in life and how I want to get there.

But there is a small voice. Sometimes it is a whisper. Other times it is louder. It comes from my husband. From my mother. From myself at times. And it reminds me that no one really has it all together.

This weekend, after buying the new car and spending quality time with my husband as well as some much needed alone time watching television and movies, we attended a meeting at our church. It was a gathering of the creative people. Those of us who are artists. Whether it be music, art, writing, photography, or blogging. This gathering is to happen more and to create a community of artists within the church that will hopefully grow and grow.

One thing they mentioned was to not compare ourselves to each other. It was meant for only art, but I took it to mean so much more. Because I do that all of the time.

This came after Sunday's lesson brought me to tears (in a good way). After I heard God telling me that He knows where He wants me and right now it is here (in every sense of the word). After so much had happened over the week and then the weekend.

He's good. God. He is. But sometimes when He speaks truth, it is hard.

I am still dealing with Sunday's lesson. With the creative meeting. With exercising and eating healthy. With bettering my life.

And as tired as I am. As much as I want to retreat. I am so glad I have people who will not let me retreat. Who will stop me from comparing myself to others. Who will remind me of how good God is. Who tell me that it will work out. Who hug me and laugh at (and with) me. Who will be honest with me even when it hurts and especially when I do not want to hear. People who just love me.

I hope you also have those people.

(title from "dream" by priscilla anh)

fly from the highest tree

picture found here.

Almost every Sunday, we attend the 9am service at church and then drive south for lunch with my husband's family. Sometimes, he and I sit in the parking lot of his parent's church and discuss the sermon we listened to and pray together. Other Sundays, we head inside and sit on the couches while trying not to look too out of place; this is always easier when there are toddlers to tickle.

Today, we stood outside the church we attend and caught up with friends before making the drive south.

Forming and keeping friendships with others is so much harder than I want it to be. There are schedules to contend with, the ever present need for sleep, spouses to make the priority, and work. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile to try, and there are times when I am ready to forget the relationships and simply move on alone. But then something simple like good conversation on a sunny Sunday reminds me how important friendships are.

Nothing specific happened today. There was nothing life changing about any of the conversations, but it felt like something clicked.

In a lot ways, everything is starting to click. None of it is in the way I imagined (or wanted). But it is happening. Slowly and surely.

We've spent months, maybe even a year, saying we felt like we were on the cusp of something. But this morning, as I exited I-35 and merged onto I-240, we decided that we are no longer on the cusp but that we are there. It's time to move forward and to lay everything on the line knowing and trusting that God is in control and that His way will happen and that He will be glorified through all of this.

I don't know what He is up to exactly, but I'm excited to see what happens. I'm content with not knowing the exact plans because I have the faith that He has everything under control. I haven't had that faith in a long time.

It's fitting that this is all happening today - the first official day of Spring. As the flowers bloom and the grass turns from yellow to green, our lives our changing. The roots are taking hold and soon our lives will bloom in the way God wants.

And really? I can't wait to see what all will bloom and grow from the past few seasons. I'm sure it will be infinitely more beautiful than I ever could have envisioned.

(title from "dream" by priscilla ahn)