stream of consciousness (a list for monday)

1. I started reading 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker over the weekend. It's already wrecked me. I'm ready to get rid of my clothes for good. I don't think I could do just 7 pieces of clothing for a month, but I am ready to severely limit the amount of clothing I have. Part of that could be because until yesterday I had only worn work out clothes and for days at a time, I wore the same clothes without changing.

And then I changed out of yesterday's skirt as soon as we were back at home. Work out clothes are so much more comfortable.

2. The initials PT do not stand for Physical Therapy. They stand for Pain and Torture. I picked this up from the lady who waited on my father-in-law and I at breakfast. And it is so true. I honestly felt like my knee was going to explode today.

3. As hard as this recovery process is, I feel like it could very well be one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Not just because I might actually be able to walk and function like a normal person but also because I have so much more clarity on life and such.

And God has been so so good to us through this process. I'm blown away by the ways He has provided. I'm also blown away by the love, care, and comfort people have provided us.

4. I'm exhausted. Between trying to adjust to sleeping in a bed for the first time since surgery, which is not comfortable since I am stuck sleeping on my back, and bending my knee more often, it's hard to keep my eyes open after I've been up for a few hours.

5. I don't know when I am going back to work. I have a date I am striving for, but I don't know if it will happen. I'm just praying that my Short Term Disability is approved so I don't have to worry about losing entire paychecks.

6. My mom suggested that I create a schedule for myself every day. That way I don't waste hours and hours watching TV or movies. I'm taking her advice because I really have wasted several hours watching TV, and really this is an opportunity to blog and write that I need to take. Plus I can multitask while doing physical therapy at home and watch TV that way.

7. I am so excited about my new Sunday series - Lovely Lines. I love written words. Before PhotoShop and the Internet, I used to make quote journals. That's kind of what I see Lovely Lines as. I can only hope that maybe one day my words will be someone else's quotes to hold onto.

8. As a self-proclaimed teenybopper, it pains me to say that I was underwhelmed by many of the performances on the Grammy's. I love Taylor Swift (more than I should), but her performance last night was awful. She honestly sounds good in concert but not so much on award shows. And the theme made no sense. Also, while I love that Justin Timberlake is returning to music, I'm not digging his current sound. Maybe if this project doesn't do well, 'NSync can finally get back together.

9. I miss coffee. A lot. I have yet to master how to carry a drink while walking on crutches, so no coffee for me in the mornings.

10. I also miss driving. I have not driven a car since before surgery. I also have yet to sit in the front seat of a car. It's just a tad difficult to get into the front seat when I can't yet bend and lift my left leg. All of you with healthy legs and knees: you are so, so lucky. Knee surgery is the worst.

11. It's Monday, and I am already behind on my weekly schedule. Let's hope this isn't how the rest of the week will go. I blame it on having to finish the Grammy's this morning and the fact that I hurt too much to think after physical therapy.

PS: Go link up with Meg for Mingle Monday!

counting my blessings (#151-165)

picture found here.

151. Spin class.
152. Couple friends.
153. Flannel shirts.
154. Buying workout clothes in a size large.
155. Boots and skinny jeans.
156. Unexpected financial blessings.
157. Weekends filled with plans.
158. Fall weather.
159. Being a blonde again.
160. Hot green tea with honey and lemon.
161. Short hair.
162. Color schemes.
163. Christmas decorations.
164. An extra hour of sleep.
165.

counting my blessings (#131-150)

picture found here.

131. Game nights with friends.
132. How I Met Your Mother.
133. Black glittery nail polish.
134. The hope of a new year.
135. Any combination of black and grey.
136. Headbands.
137. Having courage - even when it seems impossible to do so.
138. Anticipating feedback on the beginning pages of a novel.
139. Tylenol cold medicine.
140. Having people to go the distance with.
141. Trusting in God's perfect timing - even when it's hard.
142. Grocery lists.
143. Remembering that there are always endless possibilities.
144. Gingerbread latte creamer.
145. An upcoming trip back to Texas.
146. Therapeutic emails.
147. Making presents for others.
148. Seeing possibilities in the things that seem like failures.
149. The promise of Joel 2: 25-27.
150. Tony Lucca's music.

counting my blessings (#111-130)

picture found here.

111. Nightly devotionals with my husband.

112. Finding comfort in watching television together.

113. Large glasses of wine.

114. Sleeping in instead of working out.

115. Aching muscles.

116. Making time to cook healthy meals.

117. Not giving up.

118. Slipping into a skirt that has been too small for too long.

119. Dreaming of a new wardrobe.

120. The voice of reason reminding me that this too shall pass.

121. "You are almost there."

123. Cleaning out the closet.

124. Sweeping and vaccuming under the bed.

125. A husband who prays for me and over me.

126. Seeing a movie with just the girls.

127. Going to a restaurant and reading a book over lunch.

128. Removing bad carbohydrates and sugars from my life (no matter how hard it is).

129. Bright yellow sunglasses.

130. The end of summer and 100 degree days.

to ride upon my heart

Minutes ago, it started raining, and now, I sit on the couch listening to nothing but the sound of water splattering on the grass, the sidewalk, and pinging off the chimney. It's not the first time it has rained in the past few weeks, but it is the first time in months that I have been able to enjoy the rain from the comfort of my own home.

This weekend has been about relaxing. About spending time with my husband, with friends, and with my in-laws. It's been less about watching what I eat and more about enjoying food and laughter and conversation. It's been exactly what I needed. What my husband and I both needed.

It's easy to get caught up in life. To think only of the goals I have set for myself and lose sight of other things. But as important as health is and as much as I am striving towards my goal, I also want to enjoy my friends and food and the simple pleasures of life that can so easily become lost.

I'm learning to let go. Still. I don't think I will ever stop learning how to let go.

I've said here before that I like to be in control. I hold on tightly to things I think are best. I grip onto those things I count as important and refuse to let go even when my knuckles turn as white as a crisp Hanes' tee-shirt. And I've said here before that I am working on it. That I feel like I am getting to a point where I can let go.

Maybe I have almost gotten to that point, but then, inevitably, something happens and all of a sudden I am at least half a mile away from that point where I thought I might be able to let go.

At church today, we sang a song about surrender. So often I sing the songs regardless of how much I believe the words. But this morning, I couldn't. Because I knew that it was a lie - that I didn't surrender everything. So instead of singing the words as displayed on the screen, I sang and asked for help to surrender all.

I'm not there yet. Maybe closer than I was this morning but not yet all the way there. So I can't provide any guidance on how to let go and allow your knuckles to turn from white to pink. But I can tell you that right now I am doing everything I can to lean into where we are.

There has been a lot of change recently. Change in eating habits. Change in income and jobs. Change in my relationships. And change in other things. As much as I often crave change, I don't do so well when the change comes in unexpected ways or happens at times that I see as less than ideal.

But I am learning from it. I think. I hope.

What am I learning? That change is going to happen. That it is okay to be wary of change but that it's not okay to lose sight of everything else when change happens. That it is okay to take care of myself but that it's not okay to do so sense at the expense of others. And that a lot of times the change is for the best even if it doesn't seem like it right away.

The other day, I read a blog post about someone whose house sold. Right after she prayed and let go of control. My first thought should have ben excitement for her, but it wasn't. My first thought was why can't God move that quickly in my life? I didn't give much more time to the thought until this morning when my husband and I climbed into the car after church. I turned to him and told him I felt like I was at home.

For the past few months, I've felt anything but at home. I've questioned my faith. I've questioned my goals for life and the places (and people) I feel called to serve. We've wondered where we fit in. There's been fights and tears and many, many unanswered questions. There have been emails sent to friends asking for prayers and prayers prayed to God. And so much of the response has been silence.

And then today, in an almost silent voice and with a tiny breath of air breathed into me, I felt at home. My husband felt it too.

And I felt compared to share it here. Even though it terrifies me. Because I worry that as soon as I recognize this time of blessing that it will disappear. And God's response to me has been and if it does? 


Maybe He wants me to learn to be content in all situations. Or maybe He wants to show me that He knows what He is doing and that He has a better handle than I ever could. Or maybe He simply wants to remind me of every promise He has made me and show me that they will come true - in His time.

So I am here. Writing this. Listening to the sound of the rain and relishing in the fact that there is no work for me tomorrow. Looking forward to further blessings. Remembering that this is a time to both enjoy and to press into. And knowing that I will be back to doing my best to continue on the path of weight loss come Tuesday.

But for now, I am going to enjoy friends, food, family, and His blessings.


(Also, in case you missed it, I wrote a short story and won a contest. The story is called Homecoming. I hope you enjoy it.)

(title from "you are for me" by kari jobe)

counting my blessings (#101-110)

picture found here.

 

101. An extra check in the mail.

102. Quiet time in the morning.

103. Inspiration for a new short story.

104. Having someone (or someones) believe in you.

105. Being connected.

106. Eating dinner on the couch with my husband.

107. One scrambled egg and two egg whites with cheese.

108. Community.

109. Opportunity.

110. Being reminded that God's way is best (even if it takes me a bit too long to realize it).

counting my blessings (#81-100)

picture found here.

81. Caesar salad with shrimp.

82. Over 15 pounds lost in two months.

83. Getting my hair cut and colored.

84. Watching "The Bachelorette" with my husband.

85. Catching up with a friend over thai food and then at a blues' bar.

86. Intensifying my workout.

87. Prayer when all else seems lost.

88. A good night's sleep.

89. Being sunkissed.

90. Hearing just the right song at just the right time.

91. Homemade ice cream.

92. Falling asleep with the fan on.

93. Kisses from the dogs.

94. Double date nights with friends.

95. Perfectly ripe peaches.

96. Raspberries.

97. Blooming hydrangeas.

98. Teaching swim lessons.

99. Singing along while working out.

100. Familiar faces.

counting my blessings (#71-80)

picture found here.

71. Planning birthday parties.
72. Sweet cards in the mail.
73. A husband who is willing to fight when needed.
74. Creating a healthy living group at work.
75. "You look like you have lost weight."
76. Justin Timberlake on SNL for my birthday (though somehow he never mailed me tickets to attend the taping).
77. Seeing a "$0" balance on all our credit cards.
78. Spending less than $50 at the gas pump.
79. Watching certain television shows with my husband.
80. Laughter.

to make it through this crazy thing called life

To my Mother: I love that you and Dad waited 10 years to start a family. When I was younger, I asked for an older brother, but now that I am 25 (almost 26), I understand your reasons for waiting. I love telling people how long you all waited and why because I believe your waiting to start a family until you were ready is one of the biggest reminders to me that it is okay to wait until the time is right for me. Both to start a family and to do other things. You have always been one of my biggest supporters, and I do not know what I would do without your advice, your ability to make me laugh, your hugs, or the way you can calm me down from hundreds of miles away when I am a crying mess.

I have so many wonderful memories with you. Swimming in the lake in Michigan. Making applesauce from scratch. Walking to get ice cream. Learning how to drive while you held tightly to the door handle. Towering over you in heels just because I could. There have been other memories that weren't wonderful. But I honestly don't remember why I was sad or hurt or upset. I just remember you always being there for me and always reminding me of how much you loved me.

A lot of people say they have the best mother. And it could be true. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are the best mother I could have. There's no one else who could have loved me or raised me the way you did.

To my Nana: When I talk about you, I call you my kindred spirit. Because you are. You are one of the biggest encouragers in my life. You lift me up and always, always believe in me. I love sharing stories about you and bragging about the amazing woman you are.

After my freshman year of college, we went to Europe for three weeks. At the time, you were not flying, but my dad told me that you would get onto to an airplane for me. And you did. Not only did you get onto the airplane, you spent every moment with me for the next three weeks. You were determined to not miss a moment of any of it, and I couldn't have imagined sharing that time with anyone else. I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else.

One of my favorite things as a child was going to your house. We would eat Popeye's Fried Chicken and watch movies in your den. We would shop for clothes and sometimes for prom dresses even though I had no reason to buy a prom dress. And at night, you would tuck me in with a story. My love of reading and of writing comes from you; thank you for reminding me that I am a writer and for reminding me that I have always been a writer.

To my Grandmother: You bought me my first bikini, and I think I had my first taste of ice cream with you. We used to walk from your cottage to the creek and wear hulu skirts, and you would play along with my imagination of us being in Hawaii rather than being in Suttons Bay, MI. There were always games to play and books to read at your house, and every morning you would greet me with a hug and a smile.

I can always count on you to send me cards and notes when you are thinking of me. I love the conversations we have on the phone and knowing that you are praying for me and for Justin. It is such a blessing to be able to share my life with you - the ups and the downs.

When I think of home, the place I feel the most at rest, I think of the cottage on the beach and shucking corn on the porch. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories and one of the most picturesque places to call home.

 

(title from "mama's song" by carrie underwood)

counting my blessings (#61-70)

picture found here.

61. Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches.

62. Juicy oranges (on sale at Wal-Mart).

63. Making dinners than remind me of home.

64. Coupons.

65. Quieting the negative voices.

66. Attending four zumba classes in a week.

67. Being reminded of God's love.

68. Petty (but funny) arguments with my husband.

69. Making up with my husband.

70. Feeling supported.

counting my blessings (#51-60)

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51. Christ is risen from the dead. We are one with Him again. Come awake, come awake. Come and rise up from the grave. Matt Maher - Christ Has Risen

52. Family road trips.

53. Rain.

54. Movie date nights at home.

55. Early bed times.

56. Water with lemon.

57. Hugs from Brandy.

58. Playing with toddlers.

59. Celebrating Easter with friends and family.

60. A Savior who loves me and died for my sins (and for everyone who believes in Him.)

counting my blessings (#41-50)

picture found here.

41. Jeremiah 29:11.
42. Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing? Cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. Josh Wilson - Before the Morning.
43. Sitting on the front porch.
44. Walking the neighborhood with my husband and our two dogs.
45. I hear you say you're alone. I hear you saying that you'll never make it. I've got to tell you you're wrong 'cause I have been down this path you're taking. You never know what faith is 'till you don't understand. Sometimes it takes the silence to finally hear His plan. Building 429 - Listen to the Sound
46. Taking two days off work.
47. Sleeping in until 9am.
48. Quiet time in the mornings.
49. Wrestling instead of struggling.
50. Birds chirping.

counting my blessings (#31-40)

picture found here.

31. Friday Night Lights - Season 5.
32. Running into an old friend.
33. Strawberry Limeades from Sonic.
34. Ideas for writing.
35. Actually writing.
36. Cuddling with my husband.
37. Hanging curtains.
38. Winning a game of "Words with Friends."
39. Blooming flowers.
40. Praying in the car.

counting my blessings (#21-30)

picture found here.

21. Finishing a book.

22. Seeing my words.

23. Driving through neighborhoods and picking out houses I want to buy.

24. Dreaming with my husband.

25. Date nights.

26. Hope.

27. Psalm 40.

28. Victoria's Secret PINK Sweatpants.

29. Memories from college.

30. Mexican food.

counting my blessings (#11-20)

picture found here.

11. Painted toenails and fingernails.

12. Date nights with my husband.

13. Frozen yogurt with fruit and cookie dough.

14. Landscaping plans.

15. The potential of change.

16. Cards in the mail.

17. Finishing a short story.

18. The story of Jonah.

19. Hitting the snooze button three times in a row, two days in a row.

20. Having enough.

fly from the highest tree

picture found here.

Almost every Sunday, we attend the 9am service at church and then drive south for lunch with my husband's family. Sometimes, he and I sit in the parking lot of his parent's church and discuss the sermon we listened to and pray together. Other Sundays, we head inside and sit on the couches while trying not to look too out of place; this is always easier when there are toddlers to tickle.

Today, we stood outside the church we attend and caught up with friends before making the drive south.

Forming and keeping friendships with others is so much harder than I want it to be. There are schedules to contend with, the ever present need for sleep, spouses to make the priority, and work. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile to try, and there are times when I am ready to forget the relationships and simply move on alone. But then something simple like good conversation on a sunny Sunday reminds me how important friendships are.

Nothing specific happened today. There was nothing life changing about any of the conversations, but it felt like something clicked.

In a lot ways, everything is starting to click. None of it is in the way I imagined (or wanted). But it is happening. Slowly and surely.

We've spent months, maybe even a year, saying we felt like we were on the cusp of something. But this morning, as I exited I-35 and merged onto I-240, we decided that we are no longer on the cusp but that we are there. It's time to move forward and to lay everything on the line knowing and trusting that God is in control and that His way will happen and that He will be glorified through all of this.

I don't know what He is up to exactly, but I'm excited to see what happens. I'm content with not knowing the exact plans because I have the faith that He has everything under control. I haven't had that faith in a long time.

It's fitting that this is all happening today - the first official day of Spring. As the flowers bloom and the grass turns from yellow to green, our lives our changing. The roots are taking hold and soon our lives will bloom in the way God wants.

And really? I can't wait to see what all will bloom and grow from the past few seasons. I'm sure it will be infinitely more beautiful than I ever could have envisioned.

(title from "dream" by priscilla ahn)

counting my blessings (#1-10)

picture found here.

1. Sushi dates with friends.

2. Cuddling with both dogs.

3. Clean sheets.

4. Beautiful sunrises.

5. Singing along to Carrie Underwood in the car.

6. Every single Taylor Swift song.

7. The smallest compliment.

8. Hugging a friend you haven't seen in a week.

9. Having the house to myself.

10. Talking to my mom on the phone.