to ride upon my heart

Minutes ago, it started raining, and now, I sit on the couch listening to nothing but the sound of water splattering on the grass, the sidewalk, and pinging off the chimney. It's not the first time it has rained in the past few weeks, but it is the first time in months that I have been able to enjoy the rain from the comfort of my own home.

This weekend has been about relaxing. About spending time with my husband, with friends, and with my in-laws. It's been less about watching what I eat and more about enjoying food and laughter and conversation. It's been exactly what I needed. What my husband and I both needed.

It's easy to get caught up in life. To think only of the goals I have set for myself and lose sight of other things. But as important as health is and as much as I am striving towards my goal, I also want to enjoy my friends and food and the simple pleasures of life that can so easily become lost.

I'm learning to let go. Still. I don't think I will ever stop learning how to let go.

I've said here before that I like to be in control. I hold on tightly to things I think are best. I grip onto those things I count as important and refuse to let go even when my knuckles turn as white as a crisp Hanes' tee-shirt. And I've said here before that I am working on it. That I feel like I am getting to a point where I can let go.

Maybe I have almost gotten to that point, but then, inevitably, something happens and all of a sudden I am at least half a mile away from that point where I thought I might be able to let go.

At church today, we sang a song about surrender. So often I sing the songs regardless of how much I believe the words. But this morning, I couldn't. Because I knew that it was a lie - that I didn't surrender everything. So instead of singing the words as displayed on the screen, I sang and asked for help to surrender all.

I'm not there yet. Maybe closer than I was this morning but not yet all the way there. So I can't provide any guidance on how to let go and allow your knuckles to turn from white to pink. But I can tell you that right now I am doing everything I can to lean into where we are.

There has been a lot of change recently. Change in eating habits. Change in income and jobs. Change in my relationships. And change in other things. As much as I often crave change, I don't do so well when the change comes in unexpected ways or happens at times that I see as less than ideal.

But I am learning from it. I think. I hope.

What am I learning? That change is going to happen. That it is okay to be wary of change but that it's not okay to lose sight of everything else when change happens. That it is okay to take care of myself but that it's not okay to do so sense at the expense of others. And that a lot of times the change is for the best even if it doesn't seem like it right away.

The other day, I read a blog post about someone whose house sold. Right after she prayed and let go of control. My first thought should have ben excitement for her, but it wasn't. My first thought was why can't God move that quickly in my life? I didn't give much more time to the thought until this morning when my husband and I climbed into the car after church. I turned to him and told him I felt like I was at home.

For the past few months, I've felt anything but at home. I've questioned my faith. I've questioned my goals for life and the places (and people) I feel called to serve. We've wondered where we fit in. There's been fights and tears and many, many unanswered questions. There have been emails sent to friends asking for prayers and prayers prayed to God. And so much of the response has been silence.

And then today, in an almost silent voice and with a tiny breath of air breathed into me, I felt at home. My husband felt it too.

And I felt compared to share it here. Even though it terrifies me. Because I worry that as soon as I recognize this time of blessing that it will disappear. And God's response to me has been and if it does? 

Maybe He wants me to learn to be content in all situations. Or maybe He wants to show me that He knows what He is doing and that He has a better handle than I ever could. Or maybe He simply wants to remind me of every promise He has made me and show me that they will come true - in His time.

So I am here. Writing this. Listening to the sound of the rain and relishing in the fact that there is no work for me tomorrow. Looking forward to further blessings. Remembering that this is a time to both enjoy and to press into. And knowing that I will be back to doing my best to continue on the path of weight loss come Tuesday.

But for now, I am going to enjoy friends, food, family, and His blessings.

(Also, in case you missed it, I wrote a short story and won a contest. The story is called Homecoming. I hope you enjoy it.)

(title from "you are for me" by kari jobe)

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