a little bit caught in the middle

I knew this wouldn't be easy. Losing 100 pounds. Changing my eating habits and going to the gym. Working out at least five times a week. Sorting through all the things and struggles that got me to where I am. All the events that led up to a point where I needed and wanted to lose 100 pounds.

But I also didn't expect it to be this hard.

It's a slow process. I get that. But that's not the hard part. The exercise is becoming almost easy. I'm finding little ways to incorporate more weights and different kinds of cardo. I'm doing my best to push myself and to not allow myself to simply plateau.

Just because I can't afford a personal trainer to push me doesn't mean that I can't push myself like a trainer would.

There is so much more to this journey than food and exercise. I have a marriage to maintain and improve. I have a 40-hour work week. I have friends to stay in touch with. I have two dogs who want as much attention as I can give them. There is dinner to cook, laundry to wash and put away, a house to sweep, and a yard to tackle.

And right now, I am struggling with all the other things that go along with better choices, lifting weights, and more running.

I read somewhere that relationships are difficult to preserve during a journey such as mine. I say that knowing that when I said I do I meant I do for all the good times and that bad times. It's not always easy to keep that promise. There are times when it seems like life would be much better and easier if it were just me on my own. I'm learning that those times are a sign that my husband and I need to spend more time together - even if the introvert that I am is screaming for alone time.

This journey to lose 100 pounds is a solo journey. I have to make the choices I have to do the hard work. It's all about me. And while there is a sense of excitement that comes along with traveling and eventually completing this journey, it's also quite lonely.

There are people who are there. People to offer support. To cheer me on. To remind me of how far I've come. And I appreciate all of those people. But at the end of the day, I am alone in my head. I am the one working through all the things that brought me to this point where I had 100 pounds to lose. I am the one having to work out, go to work, come home, be married, blog, and not turn to large bowls of ice cream when I become stressed out.

This topic is a tricky one. And an ungly one - one almost as ugly as the crying I did on the couch last night because of how exhausted I was.

Spending time by myself recharges me. I need that time away from people. But sometimes I take too much time to myself even though it doesn't feel like I've taken enough time away from people. I'm close to crossing the line of too much time to myself. Maybe I even crossed it but have not yet admitted to it.

In the past, it was just me. I could just take that time and then come out of it on my own. But now I am married and have a husband who wants to spend time with me - even when I am at my worst and shouldn't be allowed others.

I don't know where to go from here. I thought the hardest part of this journey would be starting and then continuing for the first few weeks. And it was the hardest part until now. Now the hardest part is continuing to move forward and learning how to let those closest to me into the journey.

But, as I said last night to my husband once the tears had dried and I blew my nose, I'm not stopping. I'm still going to the gym. I'm doing my best to push myself and to keep myself from making too many bad choices with food. And nothing is going to keep me from moving forward - no amount of tears or amount of issues I have to work through.

(title from "the show" by lenka)

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