done looking for the critics (week 12)

I'm still here - just adjusting to a new normal. That's how the next few weeks, maybe in the next month or two, will be.

My new normal includes a 60-hour work week. Right now, it's 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at my current full-time job. In a few weeks, it will be 20-hours at a part-time job and 40-hours at a new full-time job. It sounds crazy to type that out and claim it as my life, but it's there. And I know that it is right where I am supposed to be.

But knowing it is right where I am supposed to be does not make it any easier. In fact, it makes a little more difficult because I can feel myself easing into the transitions and allowing things to take their course rather than planning how I will transition.

I see it the most, right now, with food and water and how those things seem to be slipping away from homecooked dinners and into fast food dinners where I don't make the best choices possible.

I'm not home at dinner time now. I'm driving between two work places and stopping at the healthiest and quickest place I can think of. And every time, I have a choice to make of what I will order. So far I haven't made the healthiest choices. I've had french fries instead of a salad and sourdough bread instead of wheat bread. I don't know why, though. Is it that I miss those foods and am saying to hell with watching every morsel of food? Or is that it's just so much easier to order food the way it comes rather than ask for it to be changed?

And the gym. Right now, I complete my work-outs during my lunch hour and then return to work sweaty and a little stinky. When I start my new full-time job, I may not have that as an option. So, then, when will I have time? I honestly don't know, but I do know that I will make time for the gym.

If I can make time to work two jobs, I can make time for the gym. If I can make time to spend with my husband, I can make time for the gym. There is no excuse for not having time.

And water. I don't drink nearly enough water. I try to, but I don't make it a priority. That needs to change - maybe more than anything. My body is craving it. I feel dehydrated when I wake from a night's rest. Yes, my food choices need some improving, but I've stayed at or below my calorie allotment each day this week. I have't consumed the amount of water I need.

So I know I need to plan much better than I have. There will be little time in the mornings to whip up dinner, and foods cooked in the CrockPot need to be done so the night before so I can take them for lunch, and maybe even dinner. And I need to recommit to myself and to this journey. Because without commitment, I will fail.

The commitment part almost seems more difficult than the planning. I am so tired of having to commit and then recommit. I am exhausted from reminding myself of why I am doing this in the first place. I'm over looking in the mirror, in the midst of zumba or another class, and seeing a girl that still has so long to go.

I'm ready for the journey to be over. I'm ready to know that I actually did it. I'm ready to see the hard work pay off and not just hear from others that it is paying off. I'm ready to be healthy and fit and to be able to tell others that they too can do it (without feeling like a hypocrite).

Right now, I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like a liar for telling people they can do it when I'm hurriedly eating dinner from Chik-Fil-A. I feel like I am somehow failing myself, and everyone else, because I'm not even to the halfway mark.

And yes, I could watch what I eat more and drink more water. I need to do those things. But even doing all of that exceptionally well does not guarantee that the scale will go down or my clothes will feel looser. The body is a tricky thing and sometimes it decides to hold onto the weight while other times the weight seems to fall off. Right now, I feel like my body is holding onto the weight, and refusing to let go, and it's making it difficult for me to remember that all of this is worth it.

I say all of this because it is where I am right now - not because I am giving up. Because I'm not. I know I have come to far to say "screw it" and return to the life I led before. I'm just trying to figure out how it all works together and how to make all of this my new normal.

Because it is my new normal. This weight loss journey doesn't end when the scale shows me I have lost 100 pounds. This weight loss journey ends when my life ends because even after I've lost the weight, I will still fight for my healthiness and fight to keep the weight off.

(title from "f*ckin perfect" by pink)

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