it takes everything in me

sad that i haven't been to the gym.
This week had been difficult for me. The gym and I have barely seen each other. That work-out schedule I made? I never came close to following it. My work schedule has been hectic and different. And I've been fighting with yet another injury coupled with exhaustion.

It's not that I haven't been here before. I have. And I know that I'll be here again. That's just how life is. It's ever changing and moving. I like a life with a rather fast pace, but sometimes - like this past week - I need a chance for something to slow down and for some sense of normalcy.

I'm having to watch my hours at my part-time job, so I have been home more in the evenings which has resulted in more time on the couch and with my husband. I need that time to reconnect with him and be close to him, but I have forfeited the gym to spend time with him. That has been my choice - enjoy as much time on the couch and next to him as I possibly can.

I need to find balance. I'd found it (or at least started to) over the past few weeks and thought I knew what I was doing. I was determined, driven, inspired and in control. Now I still feel determined but my drive is taking me in multiple directions.

There was a time that I would have let me eating get out of control. And while I have not been perfect this past week (I have only stayed within my calories once since last Wednesday), I haven't turned to pizza or ice cream or McDonald's for comfort.

For me, I think the most important thing is to recognize my fumbling as soon as it happens and not allow time to pass by. The less time that passes the less likely I am to negate every ounce of hard work I've done.

It's overwhelming. Losing weight. Changing habits you've had for years. Adjusting to life happening. Never having a 100% set schedule. Attempting to balance all the aspects of life. Making healthy choices. Knowing what constitutes a healthy choice and what constitutes an unhealthy choice.

There has been time to work out, but I've chosen to do other things. Like get my nails done or run to the store. Those choices aren't necessarily bad but they're yet another reason I haven't made it to the gym. I could easily blame it all on everything but myself and my choices. I want to do just that. But incorrectly placing blame does nothing for me; it only helps perpetuate the vicious cycle that is losing and then regaining weight - a cycle I want to fully free myself of.

This week hasn't been all bad. I've still tracked everything I've eaten. I've stayed under 2000 calories eaten every single day. I've moved for parts of the days. And I've relaxed more - something I very rarely do. It's been a treat to see my husband and dogs for more than tiny amounts of time.

It's all about balance. And I've never been good at balance. But I'm recognizing my shortcomings more and more and doing everything I can to overcome them as soon as I know they are there. I think they call that growth.

(title from "i almost do" by taylor swift)

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