so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)