not 1 but 2 liebster awards!

Upon checking my email today, I received notice that I was nominated for a Liebster Award. This is the second Liebster Award I've been nominated for. Due to other circumstances in my life, I've been a bad blogger and have not posted about the first Liebster Award. So I thought I would take this time to post about both awards.

Happy does not even begin to described how I feel about being nominated. Thrilled is probably a better word. Thank you so much Amanda and Jess for nominating me!

So what is a Liebster Award?

The Liebster Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers.  “Liebster” is German for sweetest, valued, welcome and/or favorite.

I love the idea of lifting up other bloggers and helping them to gain more followers, so I am excited to participate on this beautiful Monday!

Each nominee must share 11 things about themselves.
Answer the 11 questions set for you and create 11 questions for the people you nominate.
Nominate promising new bloggers who have less than 200 followers.

1. I am horrible with dates. For the first two years of our marriage, I would look up my husband's birthday on Facebook because I never could remember it.

2. I've spent equal time as a blonde and as a brunette. I don't remember what my actual natural hair color is. It's a kind of brown; I just don't know what exactly.

3. I'm allergic to cats.

4. I absolutely love macaroni and cheese. I think it should be it's own (healthy) food group.

5. I can't eat a lot of pork without getting sick.

6. I always read the end of a book. Normally, I'll make it half-way (sometimes three-quarters) through before flipping to the back of the book and learning how it ends. If it doesn't end the way I want it to, I sometimes don't finish it.

7. I have two tattoos. One on my right ankle and one on the back of my neck. I'm itching for a third.

8. I've had 5 dogs in my life. They've all had some lab (or all lab) in them. Only one of those 5 dogs have actually liked the water.

9. If I could meet any person alive, I would meet Justin Timberlake. If that doesn't scream teenybopper, I don't know what does. I probably need to work on wanting to meet other people.

10. My physical therapist called me TMZ this morning because I knew all about the latest Hollywood gossip. I was a little embarassed. I used to keep up with all the gossip but I really try not to now. Apparently I need to try harder...

11. I'm more afraid of success than failure. I think it's why I haven't finished my novel. I want to, but I wonder what will happen if I do finish it and succeed. I'm not sure I can think up enough story ideas to actually continue to be successful.

(1-11 from Amanda; 12-22 from Jesse)

1. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I would love to be working part-time. We'll probably have a few kids in our house. Our hope is to foster and/or adopt, so I'm not sure of what ages. Still married. At my goal weight and maintaining.

2. Who or what got you to start blogging? I love writing and felt like it was time to put my writing out there. I also wanted to document my journey to lose weight as well as to share my faith.

3. What is your guilty pleasure? Reality TV. All kinds of reality TV - Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, Catfish, Keeping Up With The Kardashians....

4. If you could pick anyone living or dead to have dinner with who would it be? I would love to have dinner with Jesus. I think it would just be awesome to get to sit down with him and audibly hear his responses. I would also love to sit down and talk with Julie Buxbaum. She is one of my favorite authors.

5. What is your favorite make up product? I'm not the biggest wearer of make-up. I buy my foundation and powder and everything else from CVS and Target. Nail polish is something I splurge on and own too much of.

6. What is your favorite meal to cook for the family? Turkey chili in the Crock Pot! It's easy and makes enough for several meals.

7. Winter in the cabins or summer at the beach? Summer at the beach! Even though I'm not a huge fan of being in a swimsuit.

8. Do you have a family tradition and what is it? I grew up going to church on Christmas Eve and then looking for Santa Clause in the sky on our way home. My husband and I have a tradition of buying gifts for children in foster care.

9. What is your favorite type of movies? Romantic comedies and chick flicks.

10. How did you meet your best friend? I met both my best friends in college through Sigma Phi Lambda.

11. If school and money didn't matter and you can just snap your fingers and do it what career would you choose? I would be a writer and a therapist.

12. What is your favorite book? The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank.

13. What's your favorite time of year? I love the Spring and the Fall. Anything that isn't too hot and calls for just a cardigan is my kind of weather!

14. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Suttons Bay, MI. I grew up spending summers there and have wonderful memories of swimming in the bay, walking to town for ice cream, kayaking to the library, having adventures in the creek, etc. I absolutely love it up there!

15. If you could eat only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be? Ice Cream! I have a pretty big sweet tooth - especially for frozen goodness!

16. If you could be famous for any reason, what would it be? Two things - a Broadway star! This is never going to happen in real life but a girl can dream. I would love to spend my days singing on Broadway and dancing on stage. The other more likely option is a writer.

17. Why did you start blogging? See number 2!

18. What is your dream job? See number 11!

19. What is your ideal way to spend a day off? (Nothing to get done, no work, etc.) I would sleep in until 8:30am and then head to the gym. Spin class, please! After spin class, I would head out for breakfast and then come home for a nice relaxing shower. Then it would be time to read or write. After that, lunch! I'd probably want to go out for lunch or have someone come to my house to cook for me. Then it would be time to go see an afternoon movie followed by a little shopping. Then dinner and dessert! I'd also find time to catch up on my DVR.

20. What is your favorite tv show? I really like How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, Once Upon A Time, Glee and Big Bang Theory. My new show that I'm loving is Bunheads. I can't pick a favorite.

21. What is your dream vacation? An all-inclusive trip to somewhere tropical. I'm all about laying out by the pool or ocean and just relaxing. Even better would be if I was at my goal weight and felt comfortable in a swimsuit.

22. East coast or west coast? I have to go with the East Coast! I just love New York City too much.

Elizabeth Michelle

A Secondary Heartbeat

Local At Last

The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times

And... apparently I need to find more new blogs. Most blogs have more than 200 followers. What newer blogs should I visit?

1. What is your first childhood memory?

2. What is your favorite comfort food?

3. If you could visit any part of history (ala a time machine), what would it be?

4. What is your favorite quote?

5. What is your favorite song?

6. If you could change your name, would you? Why or why not?

7. What is your favorite memory?

8. Backstreet Boys or 'NSync?

9. The Hunger Games or Twilight?

10. What is the best way to spend Friday night?

11. What is your favorite place to visit?

(PS: Make sure to link up with Meg for Mingle Monday!)

outside the lines

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for failure by talking about the lessons I have learned so far or how I plan to do better.

It seems that as soon as I say something of the sort, life gets busy and I find myself with less time to exercise and less time to plan out my meals. Or maybe it is just that I am hyper aware of everything.

Over the past few days, I've felt like I was failing. A hurt knee coupled with an extremely busy work schedule coupled with lots of time out with my husband and my friends has equaled no exercise and lots of eating.

I chose to do those things. And I chose to eat poorly when we went out as well as to have two beers and a cosmopolitan. I will never place blame for those things on anyone but myself. They were my choices.

Were those choices made because of how determined I was to not fail? I don't really have an answer.

Right now all I know is that this week has been everything I wanted it to be and everything I promised myself it wouldn't be. It was filled with friends, laughter, relaxation and an all around good time. That's what I wanted. But it was also filled with no working out and eating a few too many sweets which is what I promised myself it wouldn't be.

I don't want to dwell on the mistakes or on the week itself. I want to move forward. But I want to learn if I set myself up for disappointment and failure by placing so many wants and demands on myself.

What do you think? Do you think sometimes bringing issues to light makes it/them (whatever it or them may be) harder to overcome?

(title from "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield)

you've got the power

After four days away from the gym, I changed into my work-out clothes today and spent my lunch hour on the elliptical and on the mat doing ab exercises with the CorBall.

Every time I go to the gym, I watch the people around me. What is their heart rate? How fast are they moving on the elliptical? What exercises are they doing? Sometimes I try to incorporate their habits into my work out. Other times I think to myself that they are doing this or that wrong. Every now and then I recognize that they are more fit than I am. Then I store their moves into the back of my mind with the intention of utilizing it once I am more physically able.

The internet allows us to have all information at our fingertips. You simply type something into google.com and suddenly you have endless information available to you. Some of the information is repetitive, and some of the information is anything but helpful. But it's all there.

There's this need and desire I have for things to follow a certain order. I want to know what steps I need to take. How do I achieve fulfillment? How do I go about settling on a career and then moving my way up and through that career? What steps do I need to take in order to successfully lose 100 pounds and then maintain that weight loss?

I could find all of those answers and more with a simple search. I could also walk through the aisles of a bookstore and find a book on every topic. Some of those search results and aisles might yield helpful information. But that's all it is. It's just information.

No one can tell me exactly how to go about losing 100 pounds. There is the idea of cutting calories and increasing activity. And that works. But exactly how much do I cut calories? And how much activity is too much activity?

The answer is different for everyone. Just like the path a life takes is different for everyone.

I find myself at a crossroads almost everyday. It's a crossroads about what I want to do and who I want to be. It's a crossroads of wondering how I should go about standing out or if I should just try to blend in. Sometimes I mention my questions and thoughts to other people. Other times, I remain quiet and pensive.

This evening, I finally moved the laundry off of the washing machine and dryer. I dropped it on the foot of the bed and set about my least favorite chore: folding and putting away the clean (and now wrinkled) clothes. The whole time I considered this need to have a plan. This desire to know exactly what I have to do to lose weight or land my dream job.

There is no plan I can follow directly. Life is not a straight line. It's a series of twists and turns. Every decision impacts where a person goes next. And while I do believe God has certain hopes for us and intentions for our lives, how we land at those points is completely up to us. It's why we have free will. Because He could just make every decision for us and allow us to follow a completely straight path. But He would rather us figure it out on our own.

That in itself is a blessing. Yet I so often turn that blessing into a curse and mutter about how I just want to know what is going to happen next. I just want to know when I will finally figure out exactly what my life is supposed to be.

At 26, I don't need to have it all figured out. I shouldn't have it figured all out. If I did, what would I do with the next 40 or 50 or 60 years left in my life?

It's easy to think about the now. How each decision impacts my current state. It's also easy to ignore the now and think about only the future - how I will do this or that once I reach a certain point in my career or once I have a certain amount of money in my bank account. Really I can't just concentrate on the now or the future. I need to open myself up to both. My life is meant to be lived in the present but with intention because I want the present to lead to an even better future.

And it's not just about me. This life and these decisions. Yes how I treat myself is important, and yes it is my life to live. But I want my life to be so much more than just my life.

Someone might stumble upon my blog with a question about how to lose 100 pounds. Or a statement about wanting to love themselves and feel beautiful. And I would love to give them every ounce of knowledge I have. I would love the opportunity to meet somewhere for coffee, especially a gingerbread latte with Christmas season at hand, and just talk. To hear their story and then also share mine. To understand how our lives interconnect and maybe to help them find their way. But I wouldn't be able to instill any true advice on how to live their lives.

My advice would come from my experience. The advice would be what I had learned on my journey. Maybe it would help for them to know they weren't alone. I know that helps me. But it would just be assistance. It wouldn't be the easy and clear answer they were searching for - the easy and clear answer I hope to find each time I search google.com.

I'm thankful for every result I find on google.com. I think it's imperative that we all share our stories. I think it's a gift to have the internet as a way of connecting and as a reminder what we are never alone in our struggles, our hopes, and our achievements.

But I also know to take everything with a grain of salt. I know that some of my questions will go unanswered. And I know that my life will never follow the exact same path as someone else. But that's a beautiful thing - the fact that we are all so different and yet to so similar.

So, if you ever see me in the gym watching you, just know I am intrigued. Know that your effort inspires my effort. Know that I love that I can get ideas from you. Know that you, and the story you are living, help me get back into the swing of things after four days away from exercise of any kind.

And if you are looking for answers and a clear path, just remember that you are not alone. And those answers? That path? It will all become clear for you in it's own time. And once it does, the wait will have been worth it. A reminder that is just as much for me as it is for you.

(title from "someone still believes in you" by mary beth maziarz)

a history so deep it hurts to look

picture found here.

We headed east on Saturday. It was mid-morning by the time we were on the road - my husband and I stuffed in the backseat with his brother while my mother and father-in-law sat in the front seat. We were all dressed in a variation of gray and black, prepared to say goodbye to a 94-year-old grandfather.

He passed on Wednesday evening, surrounded by family. We had known the day was coming, but it still is a surprise when someone who has always been there is no longer present.

The trip was two hours there and then another two hours back. It was filled with laughter and talk and the things family road trips should be filled with. There was lunch at Braum's and then snacks with other family members.

The reason for our trip was not lost on any of us, but we all chose to concentrate most on spending time with family and remembering the time we spent with my husband's great-grandfather before he passed.

I knew him for only a few years, but as is the case with the rest of the family, I was immediately a part of his family. Even before our wedding day. And there is something about that kind of love and acceptance that stays with you for years and years to come. I hope and aspire to be the sort of person who welcomes people into my own family regardless of blood.

This was the third funeral I have ever been to. It is a low number, and for that, I am grateful. Funerals provide a time of reflection. Both reflection on that person's life and reflection on your own life.

One of the things brought up during this funeral was a parable, the parable of the eleventh hour.

In it, Jesus talks about how those who believe in Him will receive the same grace and generosity regardless of when they decided to believe. This is crucial to our walk with Him and crucial to life.

It's easy to judge others for their choices and to believe that we are better because of when we made our own personal decision. And it is also easy to say that it is too late. Too late to believe. Too late to correct wrongs. Too late to ask for forgiveness. Too late to live out our dreams.

But it is never too late.

This struck a chord with me. For many reasons. One of the main reasons is that I concentrate on things happening now. I want all things to line up and work out now. I want to understand my life now. I want to have a direction to move towards and then do just that without anything getting in my way. And then if something does get in my way (which it always does because that's life), I stop and think it's too late.

But it is never too late.

So what do I want to do? What are the things that I am striving for but feel it may be too late? There are many.

And what do I feel like will never happen? So many things.

But it's me standing in the way. It's me stopping those things from happening.  Which means that it is time for me to move out of my own way and me to show up. And it seems like the more I realize it the harder it is to actually move out of the way and the easier it is to stay in the way. Because as soon as the first step is taken, more will follow until I am in an all out sprint towards the things I want.

I write about this a lot because it's a process. Just like a road trip involves a series of turns, a series of exits and entrances to the interstate, and a few stops a long the way, life also involves a series of turns and a series of exits and entrances. Sometimes it is monotonous, and sometimes it is exciting. And while it is in so many ways easier to remain still, it's not better; it's so much better to take that first step and then eventually, arrive at your destination. Or, as is my case, destinations.

What is your destination today?

(title from "elements" by a fine frenzy)

it's more than you can see

Yesterday a friend of mine posed a question on her blog. The question was what would you do if you knew you could not fail. The blog post and subsequent responses can be found here.

The question is one I have asked myself in the past. I even have a decorative plaque in my house with the same question. But for some reason, it fully resonated with me yesterday and settled into the depths of my heart. I've re-asked myself the question and re-answered it as well over the past twenty-four hours.

There are several things I would do. Some are silly, some are serious, and some I am not quite sure what to think.

I would love to: dye my hair pink (at least some streaks), pierce my nose, drive to Michigan this weekend, jump in the freezing cold ocean, get another tattoo, wrestle with the dogs on the floor, paint, take more pictures, and it goes on and on. Those are things I would love to do, things that wouldn't result in failure, but things I want to do but don't.

If failure were not an option, I would play the lottery for one. If I knew I couldn't fail, then I would win. And I wouldn't necessarily need to win the entire lottery. $200,000 (minus the taxes) would be enough for me. It would provide me the money to fix our house, to pay off our debts, to give generously to those in need, and to have an extra cushion wherein we would not have to worry about money. It's strange to say all that since living in US puts us within the most rich out of the entire world, but there it is all the same.

I would also stop making excuses. I would live recklessly and stop holding myself back. This would spill into all aspect of my life including my walk with Jesus, caring for others, working with the youth group at our church, and my friendships. So often, I keep myself at bay and try to quiet my desires because of fear that things would not work out the way I hoped they would.

I would also let go. I would stop feeling as though I needed to be in control. This is such a struggle for me. I want to control every aspect of the life I live and the aspects of life around me. And it's tiring. It is also the exact opposite of what God calls us to be. He's slowly teaching me (and also forcing me) to relinquish control. But, still, there are times when the panic rises up and I grab back onto the control rather than allowing God to guide me through life, my hands open to receive His blessings rather than closed around the things I feel need attention.

I would laugh more. And smile more. Maybe even dance more. And sing more loudly. I don't dance or sing as often/ as loudly as I would like because I am afraid. Afraid of failure silly enough. I'm not as talented in the dancing and singing department as some, and I worry others are judging my lack of talent. So I don't dance or sing. How lovely it would be to no longer care what others thought and just let go! This would open up a whole new world for me and for my walk with Jesus. If I stopped caring about what others thought, my life would blossom like a flower after a fresh spring rain.

And I would write. Preferably full-time but most certainly part-time. Writing is in my blood. I can quiet it sometimes, but the urge and desire to spill words and stories across the page still exists. I think it always has. Even before I would type or write out the letters, I spun stories and tales. I wrote (and illustrated) my first book at a young age about a skunk who gets stuck in a high school and then has adventures in said high school. I spent my adolescent years and well into my college years writing fan fiction and then also writing true fiction. I even took extra English and writing classes in college. And I ultimately graduated with a degree in writing.

But I don't do these things. Instead, I let the fear of failure and of the unknown and of what other people might think grip me. And I think that's why this question resonates so much - especially now.

I desperately want the life I am meant to live. This could be it, my life right now, but it could also be so much more than my human mind can imagine. I fully believe God has a purpose for every life, and I fully believe that the purpose for my life is much more than what I give it credit for.

My husband and I both feel this way. We both feel like there is more out there, but we don't know what. We both desire to not feel stuck (as we often do) in this life, in this house, in this state, and in our jobs. We want freedom, and I think much of our freedom (and the freedom for others) could very well come from no longer being afraid and acting as though we can not fail.

It doesn't mean that we quit our jobs and stop paying our bills or that we run from responsibility. It simply means we figure out our true hopes and dreams and desires and pursue them fully - not in a way that looks like pursual but still leaves us feeling stuck.

I know not all things will happen. It's unlikely that I will win even $100 in the lottery let alone $200,000. But I can do my best to stop making excuses. I can smile more. I can laugh more. I can sing and dance like there is no one else and then not apologize for making anyone feel uncomfortable. And I can write.

I just wish it all weren't so frightening.

(title from "i said" by michelle featherstone)

And now, I pass the question onto all of you. What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

it feels bad now but it's going to get better

I'm furious this afternoon. Absolutely livid. And yet I am also at peace. I am also walking in the knowledge that God is sovereign that He has a plan and that His plan is perfect. I am also walking in the knowledge that He has always been present in my life and that He will continue to be present.

But I am still furious.

I am furious at the brokenness in the world, at the people who are petty enough to watch another's undoing and do nothing to help. I am furious at the separation between man and God, at how difficult it can be to hear His voice. I am furious.

I have never felt so much anger coupled with so much peace. I had a moment of anxiety and wonderment and worry and feeling as though I were free falling, but I realized those things were keeping me from grabbing onto the anger and praying through it and over it.

God is at work in the world, in my life, and in the life of my husband. We don't always know what He is doing, and we do sometimes question His methods. But we know He is present.

There is so much opposition right now. If there were not separation between man and God, I could hear Him calling out through the opposition. Instead, I am left wondering when and if I will hear His soft, still voice or when and if my husband with hear His soft, still voice.

I believe God is over everything. I believe He allows opposition to occur. Sometimes, I think the opposition shows where we are not supposed to go, but other times, opposition exists to show that we are right where we need to be. But how do you separate the two? If we could just hear God's voice on the other end of the telephone, it would be easy to tell, but unfortunately, I don't know the number to His personal cell phone.

I'm struggling with the anger, and I am struggling with opposition. I've faced much opposition in my twenty-five years, and as a married woman of almost two years, I have faced even more opposition in my marriage. But the opposition has made me stronger. And it is has shown me just how badly I need God. Still, I am not clear on which opposition is Him standing in my way and which is Him pushing me forward and telling me to fight.

I pray against opposition quite often, but now I wonder if I should pray into it. How far in am I to lean into the opposition? How long do I need to fight until I throw up my hands in defeat and declare God the victor before moving onto my next battle? Is there even a right choice?

These are the thoughts spinning around in my head on Labor Day, the thoughts that came after a long walk with my dogs and my mother-in-law and then a trip to the Arts Festival Oklahoma. The thoughts that started with worry and then switched to anger after a conversation with my husband.

There is so much injustice in the world. There is so much belittling and so much pettiness. It is a wonder anyone is able to make it for 80 odd years as a person. The belittling, pettiness and injustice is enough to kill a person's spirit, to make a person throw up their hands and declare the world the victor.

And yet, somehow, it doesn't. Somehow we continue to move on. Somehow we continue to hold out for what is promised us.

Today I am praying for His promises. Today I am searching for His plan. Today I am asking for His direction. Today I am hoping to hear answers about opposition. Today I am hoping to understand.

Because I know He has a plan. I know His promises, that were spoken over me, will become true. I know that He is working. I know, I know, I know. I am just desperate to hear from Him again and to see more than just one step in front of me.


Edit 7:47pm, Monday September 6, 2010: God is good. I still claim this and know this to be true. He has a plan. His plan is moving forward. He provides. I never question this. I wrestle with His ways, but I know He is close. He always is and always will be. Through all my weakness, He is strong. 

(title from "almost everything" by wakey!wakey!)

life ain't always what you think it ought to be

I struggle with goodbyes, especially when I am saying goodbye to my mom. A lump forms in my throat, and I almost always drive away with tears rolling down my cheeks. After years of my living in Oklahoma first for school and now as a married woman, I thought saying goodbye would be easier, but it's not.

When I left my parents house this morning, it was much the same. There was a very large lump in my throat. I kept most the tears at bay but a few managed to escape and fall down my cheeks. I'd done relatively well in May when my mom visited and I drove away from the airport without crying, but this time.. I let myself cry. I knew there would be no way of stopping all the tears.

I was in Texas for five nights and four full days. I spent time with my dad, who I hadn't seen since Thanksgiving, and my mom. We ate Mexican food, sushi, Mediterranean food, steak, and smoked chicken. My parents also held a seafood boil of shrimp and lobster. I attended yoga with my mom, which I am still recovering from, and we spent a few hours by the pool. There was some shopping and lots of reading. I also spent the evening hours sipping Pinot Grigot and watching television with my parents.

The time away was what I needed. And I did need it. It gave me the chance to spend time with my parents and also with my brother. The original four, if you will. I also had the chance to fall apart with my parents present. I've fallen apart so many times on the phone with my mom, wishing she were close enough to Oklahoma City that I could drive to her house for a hug whenever I needed it.

There's a strength that I get from being around my parents, and strength is what I need most right now. It's what I am searching for and praying I find. It's also what I am lacking right now.

I need strength to fight right now. We have so much going on that this is not the time to lay down and allow things to just happen. I know that, but I don't feel like I have the strength to fight back the way I need to. I want to lay down, but I won't. I will continue searching for strength.

I found the strength to drive back to Oklahoma City. It was a difficult drive both because of the length and because of how much I miss my parents and miss Texas. 

I never thought I would miss Texas, especially not Houston, but I do. I really do. I missed pieces of my life in Oklahoma City and those important people in Oklahoma City and my dogs, but I didn't miss Oklahoma City the way I miss Texas. I guess Texas is a bigger piece of my life than I ever really thought.

This realization is unraveling quite a bit for me right now. It's making me question some things, forcing me to ask some difficult questions about what I want from my life, about where my true passion rest, and it's making me see that I do not have answers to most the questions.

I will never have answers to every question. When I do find some answers, there will inevitably be more questions. I know that, and I welcome that. But I am ready to find answers to my current questions; I think we both are.

(title from "if i die young" by the band perry)