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I hurt everywhere, still, and even more than I did when I woke up this morning. My eyes are drooping. And I am more than ready to head home and spend the evening relaxing with my husband and preferably not moving many muscles.
But I finished. I finished today's work out. I completed a whole week of going to the gym. I did not give up, or take a break, or give into the exhaustion and voice in my head that says maybe it isn't worth the early morning wake up calls.
Because it is worth the early morning. It is worth the wet hair and make-up less face that I bring to worth. More than that, I am worth it.
For reasons I don't fully understand myself, I have always seen myself as less than. The comparisons to others runs deep; so deep that I eventually got to a place in which I decided, more or less, that it wasn't even worth attempting to keep up with others. Instead, I would go along in my life and live it the way I lived it.
God saw the path I was about to embark on, and He stepped in - just as He always does. It took me a long time to recognize His presence and then even longer to fully let Him into every aspect of my life. Truthfully, I am still learning what it means to open myself up to Him and allow Him to work in and through all things.
I'm not the best at reading my Bible especially recently. The prayers I once prayed daily continue to dwindle, and at times, it is all I can do to send a few quick words up to Him before my eyes slip shut and I disappear into a world of dreams. And yet, He continues to pursue me. He continues to take the broken pieces and place them back together in a way that only He knows will work.
It is overwhelming - His attention to detail and also the number of details there are. And when I get overwhelmed, I look for a way out - searching for the next thing to set my attention on. For some time, He let me do this, and it resulted in me spinning circles and kicking up dust and rocks and other items. I got to the point where I couldn't breathe, where I wanted to stop, but I was moving so quickly that it was impossible to stop.
Something happened. I am not quite sure what, but God did a little bit of unraveling and sent me down a path. I moved just as quickly and still couldn't breathe, but eventually I came to a stop. When He did the unraveling, He sent me forward instead of allowing me to spin in circles, and by moving forward, the dust cleared and the rocks stopped flying.
This clearing of the dust is recent. It's really only happened in the past couple of weeks. And it's still a bit hard to breathe, but I blame that on the fact that my lungs got so used to the dust that they don't quite remember how to work without dust.
But I am learning. I am learning to take little steps and to focus my mind on what is in front of me and not all the things going on around me. I think God is blessing me in this journey. I know He is. He is providing in different ways (like our mortgage payment being lowered $100 a month starting in July). He is actively walking with me and bringing other people alongside so that I always remember that I am not alone.
Because so often I think I am alone. That only I struggle with my weight. That there aren't any other success stories that I can relate to. That certain things won't ever happen to me and that I should just stop trying for them. Are those thoughts rational? No. But when you are caught up in a dust storm you created it is difficult to think or act rationally.
And I couldn't do any of this if I were alone. If it weren't for the people who are coming alongside me on this journey. The friends who ask how exercising is going. The co-workers who comment on weight lost. The husband who rubs my feet. The parents who act as cheerleaders.
Thank you all for joining me on this journey. I am so excited to see what happens as I lose the next ten pounds as I complete more weeks of sore muscles. And I am even more excited to see where all God shows up in the process and just how much He teaches me about Him, about love, and about life as I work towards the person He created me to be.
Please join me on Imperfect People today as I share my testimony on how God is also moving in my life through writing.
(title from "quitter" by carrie underwood)