wake up and see

picture compliments of diana.
Just shy of a year ago, I made a bold statement and said I wanted to lose 100 pounds. Weight is something I have struggled and fought and lived with for most of my life. And I decided I was sick of struggling and fighting and living with weight. So I started to exercise and slowly started to eat better.

But I never came close to losing 100 pounds. There were excuses like being busy at work, hurting my ankle, being tired, being sick. I could go on and on.

Something happened recently. A few health scares. And no answer other than lifestyle. All those days of being sick and nauseous and tired were caused by the choices I had made. The same choices that brought me to a point in life where I wanted (and needed) to lose close to 100 pounds.

I've tried to pinpoint why this time is different, and I can't really provide any clear reason. I just know that it is.

Still, I am terrified. Terrified to share this journey with the world. Terrified to even take this journey.

I've done it before. Lost the weight. And then I have always gained it back.

I lost it in high school. I didn't use the best methods. And my reasons weren't necessarily related to health. It was about how I looked. And about how others looked at me. To get there, I stopped eating. And I purged. Thankfully I got help before it all got to be too much and I was past the point of a little nudge in the right direction instead of a full blown intervention.

Those days stick with me. Every day. I battle those demons every single day. And for quite some time, I have battled them by going in the complete opposite direction. Instead of not eating, I will eat and eat a lot. It's just as bad as not eating or as purging.

I don't want to go back down that road. I don't want to come anywhere close to it, and so counting calories and exercising is something I have to tread lightly on.

I know I need to not buy ice cream. I have such a huge sweet tooth, especially for the frozen variety, and it is too much of a trigger to eat too much. I also know I need to stop comparing myself. It's fine to ask for advice and to read others stories, but I need to remember that their story will not be my story.

How this journey will end I am not sure. And when the journey will end? I am even less sure.

I say a year. 100 pounds in a year. And it might happen. But if it doesn't happen in a year? I am okay with that, too. I just know it needs to happen at some point. I know that it will happen.

I write this now because tonight I met two fellow Oklahoma bloggers and then a reader. We ate at a restaurant in the city and talked. I was nervous. And maybe a little bit awkward. The comparisons started in my mind almost immediately. And I had to quiet them. I had to remind myself not to give into comparisons and to remember that this journey I am on is just now starting.

picture compliments of lisa.
We took pictures together. And inwardly, I cringed. I've spent quite a bit of time escaping pictures. Of purposefully forgetting my camera. And of purposefully not asking someone to freeze a memory in time.  But I leaned in and smiled.

I won't say that I am perfectly happy with what I saw. Ten pounds lighter, my face is less round. And my smile seems less forced. But there are plenty of other things that need to change.

Still, I saw a girl who was ready. Ready to continue the journey. Ready to not give up. Ready to face the demons of the past and overcome them. Ready to step into the person I am meant to be - the person I want to be.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were ready? What did you do after the realization?

(title from "closer to me" by dar williams)

Sunday Snapshot


  1. I just started following your blog. I actually found your blog while browsing the testimonials at Designer Blogs. You definitely grabbed my attention with the idea of wanting to lose 100 pounds in a year. I have a about 80-90ish pounds to lose, so I am with you on that. And the feelings that you express about weight loss and struggling with it really resonates with me because that has always been a massive struggle. Then I saw quite a few things that I identify with - your faith, your writing, even the dogs taking up space in your bed!!! Anyway, I look forward to seeing you struggle it out in your journey as I am doing the same thing in mine! :)

  2. I always think "this is the time! imma lose all the weight" But then the kids sleep crappy, and then bad news comes and I silence my fears by food. I forget or are too depressed to walk.

    I need a treadmill. I would LOVE a treadmill.

  3. I think you are beautiful. I am a fat girl. I struggle every single day. I start diet after diet. And I fail. I don't like myself at all : (
    I know you can do it though. i believe in you.

  4. So happy to go on this incredible journey with you! YOU can DO it! YOU are beautiful! YOU are strong! YOU can do ANYTHING you set your mind to!

  5. You might be interested in the book Potatoes not Prozac which deals with sugar cravings and sugar sensitivity. It's a very positive approach, not really a diet at all so much as a way of eating that allows you to be healthier and more confident. Good luck and be kind to yourself!

  6. Hi Leslie. I am coming by through your link on Imperfect People :) I too am on a journey to living a healthier and happier life....sometimes it sucks and I really want chocolate cake, but overall I have been feeling so much better about myself. So hang in there! You are not alone!Also, I noticed by your header that you are a fellow Alli Rogers fan :)



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