wake up and see

picture compliments of diana.

Just shy of a year ago, I made a bold statement and said I wanted to lose 100 pounds. Weight is something I have struggled and fought and lived with for most of my life. And I decided I was sick of struggling and fighting and living with weight. So I started to exercise and slowly started to eat better.

But I never came close to losing 100 pounds. There were excuses like being busy at work, hurting my ankle, being tired, being sick. I could go on and on.

Something happened recently. A few health scares. And no answer other than lifestyle. All those days of being sick and nauseous and tired were caused by the choices I had made. The same choices that brought me to a point in life where I wanted (and needed) to lose close to 100 pounds.

I've tried to pinpoint why this time is different, and I can't really provide any clear reason. I just know that it is.

Still, I am terrified. Terrified to share this journey with the world. Terrified to even take this journey.

I've done it before. Lost the weight. And then I have always gained it back.

I lost it in high school. I didn't use the best methods. And my reasons weren't necessarily related to health. It was about how I looked. And about how others looked at me. To get there, I stopped eating. And I purged. Thankfully I got help before it all got to be too much and I was past the point of a little nudge in the right direction instead of a full blown intervention.

Those days stick with me. Every day. I battle those demons every single day. And for quite some time, I have battled them by going in the complete opposite direction. Instead of not eating, I will eat and eat a lot. It's just as bad as not eating or as purging.

I don't want to go back down that road. I don't want to come anywhere close to it, and so counting calories and exercising is something I have to tread lightly on.

I know I need to not buy ice cream. I have such a huge sweet tooth, especially for the frozen variety, and it is too much of a trigger to eat too much. I also know I need to stop comparing myself. It's fine to ask for advice and to read others stories, but I need to remember that their story will not be my story.

How this journey will end I am not sure. And when the journey will end? I am even less sure.

I say a year. 100 pounds in a year. And it might happen. But if it doesn't happen in a year? I am okay with that, too. I just know it needs to happen at some point. I know that it will happen.

I write this now because tonight I met two fellow Oklahoma bloggers and then a reader. We ate at a restaurant in the city and talked. I was nervous. And maybe a little bit awkward. The comparisons started in my mind almost immediately. And I had to quiet them. I had to remind myself not to give into comparisons and to remember that this journey I am on is just now starting.

picture compliments of lisa.

We took pictures together. And inwardly, I cringed. I've spent quite a bit of time escaping pictures. Of purposefully forgetting my camera. And of purposefully not asking someone to freeze a memory in time.  But I leaned in and smiled.

I won't say that I am perfectly happy with what I saw. Ten pounds lighter, my face is less round. And my smile seems less forced. But there are plenty of other things that need to change.

Still, I saw a girl who was ready. Ready to continue the journey. Ready to not give up. Ready to face the demons of the past and overcome them. Ready to step into the person I am meant to be - the person I want to be.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were ready? What did you do after the realization?


(title from "closer to me" by dar williams)