even if it rains or snows

picture found here.

Yesterday, I felt heavy. I struggled through zumba and felt defeated. I made bad choices for lunch (IE: eating too much ). I saw myself in the mirror and felt hopeless. It seemed like nothing would ever be good enough.

Dramatic? Yes, very much so.

This morning, I forced myself out of bed and made a sandwich. Even though I wanted to give up just twelve hours before, I found a new determination and decided that I was going to start over again.

I spent my hour lunch break in the pool. Thirteen feet of water and with a water jogger attached to me. It was the first time I had really participated in water aerobics. I had considered it in the past but always decided against it for fear of what other people would think.

This fear of what other people might think plagues me often. Or at least it used to.

Something has changed. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's God quieting the negative voices in my head. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Or maybe it is something else entirely. But all of a sudden I am worried less about what others think and more about what is right for me.

A month ago, I would have been too scared and too ashamed to walk into a zumba class. I would have been too nervous about putting on a bathing suit and participating in water aerobics. A month ago, I hid behind not feeling well and decided that because I didn't know what was causing my pain/nausea I needed to take it easy and not take the steps towards exercising on a regular basis.

I wish I could go back one month (maybe even three) and tell myself then what I now know. I wish I could remind myself not to be ashamed. I wish I could tell myself to focus on what I need and what I want instead of focusing on what others might think of me.

I can't tell you why I was scared or ashamed. I also can't tell you why it impacted me the way it did. All I know is that it did but it no longer does.

It's an amazing feeling to walk into a work out class or jump into a pool and not worry about what other might think. It's freeing to push aside the negativity and focus on this goal of getting healthy.

Is it a slow process? Yes, painstakingly slow. I remind myself of this every single day. I hope I do not lose sight of this truth. I am committed to not giving up but to seeing this thing through.

Right now I am thankful for sore muscles. So very thankful. The soreness reminds me that I am moving towards my goal. It reminds me that things are changing, even though it happens slowly.

And as I travel this path, stepping away from my previous experiences and away from my previous ways of handling things, I am constantly amazed by the kindness of people. Those who are more than willing to go out of their way to help you. Those who celebrate in your successes and listen to your failures. Those who remind you that things will continue to improve. Those who push you towards your better self. Those who promise that it will be worth it. I couldn't do this without any of them; I wouldn't want to do it without them.

(title from "the man who can't be moved" by the script)