life ain't always what you think it ought to be

I struggle with goodbyes, especially when I am saying goodbye to my mom. A lump forms in my throat, and I almost always drive away with tears rolling down my cheeks. After years of my living in Oklahoma first for school and now as a married woman, I thought saying goodbye would be easier, but it's not.

When I left my parents house this morning, it was much the same. There was a very large lump in my throat. I kept most the tears at bay but a few managed to escape and fall down my cheeks. I'd done relatively well in May when my mom visited and I drove away from the airport without crying, but this time.. I let myself cry. I knew there would be no way of stopping all the tears.

I was in Texas for five nights and four full days. I spent time with my dad, who I hadn't seen since Thanksgiving, and my mom. We ate Mexican food, sushi, Mediterranean food, steak, and smoked chicken. My parents also held a seafood boil of shrimp and lobster. I attended yoga with my mom, which I am still recovering from, and we spent a few hours by the pool. There was some shopping and lots of reading. I also spent the evening hours sipping Pinot Grigot and watching television with my parents.

The time away was what I needed. And I did need it. It gave me the chance to spend time with my parents and also with my brother. The original four, if you will. I also had the chance to fall apart with my parents present. I've fallen apart so many times on the phone with my mom, wishing she were close enough to Oklahoma City that I could drive to her house for a hug whenever I needed it.

There's a strength that I get from being around my parents, and strength is what I need most right now. It's what I am searching for and praying I find. It's also what I am lacking right now.

I need strength to fight right now. We have so much going on that this is not the time to lay down and allow things to just happen. I know that, but I don't feel like I have the strength to fight back the way I need to. I want to lay down, but I won't. I will continue searching for strength.

I found the strength to drive back to Oklahoma City. It was a difficult drive both because of the length and because of how much I miss my parents and miss Texas. 

I never thought I would miss Texas, especially not Houston, but I do. I really do. I missed pieces of my life in Oklahoma City and those important people in Oklahoma City and my dogs, but I didn't miss Oklahoma City the way I miss Texas. I guess Texas is a bigger piece of my life than I ever really thought.

This realization is unraveling quite a bit for me right now. It's making me question some things, forcing me to ask some difficult questions about what I want from my life, about where my true passion rest, and it's making me see that I do not have answers to most the questions.

I will never have answers to every question. When I do find some answers, there will inevitably be more questions. I know that, and I welcome that. But I am ready to find answers to my current questions; I think we both are.

(title from "if i die young" by the band perry)