coming apart when you say my name

I spent much of the weekend in our old, dusty house. I watched several movies, several episodes of The OC, and I am not watching the Primetime Emmy's with my husband. There are times when I desire to go out and see people, but I very much needed a weekend of mainly solitude.

I can feel that things are changing. I feel as though God is whispering to me that as the seasons change this year so will our current status. This brings me hope as I know Fall is very quickly approaching. I'm not sure what the changes will be. It could be that the change is in me, that I learn how to better handle setbacks and uncertainty, that I learn how to take a deep breath and shake off the anxiety. It could be that the change will be in my marriage, that it is strengthened and deepened even more than it had been. So many options for what the changes will be, and as much as I want to know, I understand that right now I need to only have faith and remember that God is in control, that His way is best.

I've spent much time in the word this weekend. I have allowed it to speak to my heart, to provide me with the security I have been lacking and to remind me of His will for my life. I picked up my spiral notebook and scribbled down several verses. I read through several chapters of Job and pondered the musings in my heart, and I prayed over several of the verses.

God has revealed much to me over this weekend about His promises, His hope for us, what community should look like, and what He has in store for our lives. I am overwhelmed by Him and by what He wants for His children. I am overwhelmed by His willingness to speak to me, a woman who has turned from Him more times than could be counted. And His willingness to pursue me when I so often walk away at the first signs of difficulty.

It would be a lie to say I'm not scared because I am. I'm terrified of what might happen both good things and bad things. I'm terrified of losing everything and needing to start over. I am also terrified of being blessed with more because when God blesses you, He trusts you, and while I want to be trusted with His blessings, I am terrified of not doing the things He would want me to do with the blessings.

It would also be a lie to say I don't struggle with anxiety or uncertainty because I do. I struggle with those things on a daily basis - sometimes an hourly basis. But I know His word promises that He is there, and I claim those promises for as long as it takes until the anxiety and uncertainty subside.

I'm contemplating what to say about our struggles. I am also contemplating about what to say about the realizations God is bring me too. He has made it abundantly clear that honesty is vital. At this time, we must be honest with those closest to us because we need community and support. We must also be honest because dishonesty will only lead to us being divided, and right now, division would wreak havoc we would be unable to control.

I believe in being honest here, but I am just not sure exactly what that honesty will look like. When I figure it out, I will let you know.

(title from "who is this god" by alli rogers)