it's madness in my head

I departed Oklahoma City, OK at 10am on Saturday, August 7th. I depart Seabrook, TX at 10am on Thursday, August 12th. The few days spent in Texas have been relaxing. It was time to get away. And while I am not quite ready to head back to reality, I know when tomorrow comes it will be time to head back.

Things are rather difficult right now. There is not much else that I can say at this point other than they are difficult. Probably more difficult than they have been for the past year, which is saying a lot since this past year has not been one of the best.

Sometimes I handle the difficulty well. I recognize that God is in control, that He is working through all of this and that He will bring us through this. Other times, I cry, a lot.

When I met a close friend for dinner last night, my face was puffy. My eyes were somewhat red and my nose stuffy. She asked how I was, and I chuckled. The answer was that I had been better.

We talked openly. I talked about what was going on in my life, and she talked about what was going on in her life. There was little she could offer real advice on (that anyone can offer real advice on), but she did say she has found how important it is to ask for peace every day. Just because you have peace one day does not mean you will have it the next day.

Most nights, I go to bed with peace. I am able to sleep for at least eight hours and without any nightmares. But most mornings, I wake up and my stomach is already churning. The tears want to spring forth, and it's hard to breathe. It's hard to get up on those mornings, and I am so thankful I have had a week where I do not have to get up on those mornings.

I know God is big enough to handle this. He is big enough to handle anything. And I know He is working through all of this. His steps might not alleviate what I see as the biggest issues, but his steps are moving through the smaller issues, providing us a way out and a way into His plan. I wouldn't have realized that without going to dinner last night.

I want to know why all of this is happening. I want to understand the reasoning for all of the struggle. I ask many questions, but I receive very few answers. What is it that I can do to stop the struggle? What is it I need to learn? What do we need to learn?  Could I have prevented this, or as with so many stories in the Bible, was this always Your plan? And finally.. why is this happening to us?

I know there's a reason. I believe there is a path we are meant to follow, all of us, and I believe God pushes us on the path. I believe that sometimes we veer off the path, but that he will bring us back to where it is He wants us to be.

And why is it happening to me? I've heard many people say: why not? I don't like that answer because I want to stay in my bubble and lie to myself about what I deserve versus what other people deserve. But I know that I don't deserve anything better than another person; I know that deep down. We all have our struggles. We all have our inner demons. None of us is intrinsically better than another. But still, I wonder "why."

I may never know. I understand that. Sometimes things happen, and there's no real reason for it that can be understood during this life. I may also find out later on, years down the road. It could be that one day I will come to the place God wants me, where my desires will be His desires, where I will truly lean on Him always and truly put him first, and then I might know.

But right now, it is going to be hard. There are many difficult decisions to make and many difficult conversations to have. There is going to be struggle. There is going to be hardship. And the only way I'll make it, we'll make it, is to press into Him.

(title from "you could be happy" by snow patrol)

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