it feels bad now but it's going to get better

I'm furious this afternoon. Absolutely livid. And yet I am also at peace. I am also walking in the knowledge that God is sovereign that He has a plan and that His plan is perfect. I am also walking in the knowledge that He has always been present in my life and that He will continue to be present.

But I am still furious.

I am furious at the brokenness in the world, at the people who are petty enough to watch another's undoing and do nothing to help. I am furious at the separation between man and God, at how difficult it can be to hear His voice. I am furious.

I have never felt so much anger coupled with so much peace. I had a moment of anxiety and wonderment and worry and feeling as though I were free falling, but I realized those things were keeping me from grabbing onto the anger and praying through it and over it.

God is at work in the world, in my life, and in the life of my husband. We don't always know what He is doing, and we do sometimes question His methods. But we know He is present.

There is so much opposition right now. If there were not separation between man and God, I could hear Him calling out through the opposition. Instead, I am left wondering when and if I will hear His soft, still voice or when and if my husband with hear His soft, still voice.

I believe God is over everything. I believe He allows opposition to occur. Sometimes, I think the opposition shows where we are not supposed to go, but other times, opposition exists to show that we are right where we need to be. But how do you separate the two? If we could just hear God's voice on the other end of the telephone, it would be easy to tell, but unfortunately, I don't know the number to His personal cell phone.

I'm struggling with the anger, and I am struggling with opposition. I've faced much opposition in my twenty-five years, and as a married woman of almost two years, I have faced even more opposition in my marriage. But the opposition has made me stronger. And it is has shown me just how badly I need God. Still, I am not clear on which opposition is Him standing in my way and which is Him pushing me forward and telling me to fight.

I pray against opposition quite often, but now I wonder if I should pray into it. How far in am I to lean into the opposition? How long do I need to fight until I throw up my hands in defeat and declare God the victor before moving onto my next battle? Is there even a right choice?

These are the thoughts spinning around in my head on Labor Day, the thoughts that came after a long walk with my dogs and my mother-in-law and then a trip to the Arts Festival Oklahoma. The thoughts that started with worry and then switched to anger after a conversation with my husband.

There is so much injustice in the world. There is so much belittling and so much pettiness. It is a wonder anyone is able to make it for 80 odd years as a person. The belittling, pettiness and injustice is enough to kill a person's spirit, to make a person throw up their hands and declare the world the victor.

And yet, somehow, it doesn't. Somehow we continue to move on. Somehow we continue to hold out for what is promised us.

Today I am praying for His promises. Today I am searching for His plan. Today I am asking for His direction. Today I am hoping to hear answers about opposition. Today I am hoping to understand.

Because I know He has a plan. I know His promises, that were spoken over me, will become true. I know that He is working. I know, I know, I know. I am just desperate to hear from Him again and to see more than just one step in front of me.


Edit 7:47pm, Monday September 6, 2010: God is good. I still claim this and know this to be true. He has a plan. His plan is moving forward. He provides. I never question this. I wrestle with His ways, but I know He is close. He always is and always will be. Through all my weakness, He is strong. 

(title from "almost everything" by wakey!wakey!)