and i know you can't stay but i wish you would

picture found here

According to many, home is where the heart is. But what if your heart is in many different places?

I flew out of Oklahoma City on Tuesday afternoon. There was a brief layover in Dallas, and then I landed in Houston. My mom greeted me at the airport. I spent Tuesday evening with my mom and brother. We ate, drank wine, and watched home videos. On Wednesday, my brother went off to work, and my mom and I stayed home. We watched Eat Pray Love, and then, Wednesday evening was a repeat of Tuesday with dinner, wine, and home videos.

Spending time with my family is more rare than I would like. In college, I enjoyed the eight-hour drive between Houston and Oklahoma City. Just a few years later, I despise the eight-hour drive and find myself entertaining the idea of living in Texas. It's not as easy as saying "let's move." There are jobs and houses and a husband and in-laws and dogs in Oklahoma.

My heart is in Oklahoma with my husband and my dogs. We are building a life there. It's not as easy as I want. Sometimes it is so difficult that it seems as though it would be easier to forget everything and move someplace new where we could just start over. But forgetting and starting over is not a pattern we are wanting to follow.

My heart is also in Texas with my parents and my Nana. There's familiarity here. I have a few friends who I miss dearly and would love to be able to call and meet for coffee or dinner on any night of the week. The grocery stores are also better (and cheaper) than the grocery stores in Oklahoma.

But my heart is also in Michigan. It longs for the crashing waves of Lake Michigan, the clear skies, the stars, and the sunsets. When I close my eyes, I see the park near my grandparents house. I can practically smell the fresh corn waiting to be purchased straight from the farm.

During my sophomore year of college, a professor had us think about our writing home. For me, it was Michigan. But what about my other home? What about where my heart is?

I want to have roots. I want to take a deep breath and settle somewhere. I'm trying to settle into a life in Oklahoma, and while many would argue that marriage is putting down roots (and it is in many ways), I still feel myself searching for the best soil for us both to put down roots.

I don't know if there is anything that would make it easier. While I do want to leave Oklahoma and return to Texas, I know it would present a new array of challenges. And I know that some of those challenges would make me long for life in Oklahoma, just as the challenges in Oklahoma make me long for life in Texas.

As a child, I was so ready to grow up. I wanted to move from one stage of life to the next as quickly as I could. Now that I am an adult, I want to move back into previous stages of life. I want to slow down. I want time to sit and contemplate where home is. I want a chance to just breathe and focus on what I want.

But life moves quickly. I go to work and make dinner almost every day. Weekends pass far too quickly. There is so much to catch up on, and while twenty-four hours seems like a good amount of time (in theory), it is never enough. I just can't seem to keep up.

I will board a flight on Monday evening. There will be no layover in Dallas this time. My plane will touch down in Oklahoma City after 5pm. I will be back with my husband and our dogs. Maybe my heart will be there, too. We'll see.

(title from "dance so good" by wakey!wakey!)

you saved my life once

Prayer is an amazing thing. I've heard this too many times to count. I've even repeated those words to others, but I rarely claimed the truth for myself.

In my mind, I thought prayer was an amazing thing for other people. I thought God would speak to others but not to me. I reminded myself that my words couldn't change the world or our situation. And while I craved growing closer to Him, I didn't believe it would happen. I didn't think that my drawing near to Him would cause Him to draw near to me. I didn't really believe that He would meet me where I was.

I can't explain the reasons for my thoughts. It's evident that He has always been there for me. Even though I made some pretty poor decisions during my adolescence and college years, He protected me from worse things happening. He kept me from going so far into a life of darkness that I couldn't get out of it. I got close, but He made sure there was always some light.

The light came from my friends and my family. They knew I was making poor choices. But they also knew I had to figure it out on my own. They offered their advice and their prayers. When I was ready to come back into the light, they had open arms and shared tears with me. Those moments alone should have been enough to show me that prayer works.

But I am a stubborn person. It often takes several conversations and a few hits over the head before I am able to admit I am wrong and then actually change my ways. It's been the same way with prayer. God has spent much time reminding me that He answers prayer. The past two weeks have finally opened me up to the understanding that prayer works, that God is moving and active, that He hears my cries and that He responds.

It started last Tuesday. Even now, over a week later, I still find myself wondering if that night actually happened. It doesn't seem real. And I struggle with understanding how and why. So much peace accompanies my every thought now because of that night. When I pray, I pray over the words that were spoken. I pray for understanding and for guidance so that my husband and I walk down the path God has set before us.

We're not sure where the path will lead, but I think that is the beautiful thing. It is hard to let go and to walk without knowing where you are headed, but it is also freeing to not have to worry about every step. I am a directionally challenged person. I can't say which direction is north unless I am close to the Interstate, and even then, I have to repeat never eat sour watermelon to remember which way is east and which way is west.

Right now, though, we know that we are in a good place. It feels like our feet are back on solid ground. Is it perfect? No, but we know it never will be. Will there be struggle? Yes, but we know that God will be with us during the struggle and that He will use the struggle to draw us closer to Him and to remind us that He is in control.

My husband was offered a full-time job, a job that will provide benefits after 90 days. It's not the perfect job, but it is with a respectable company and could very easily lead to better things for him and for us. He begins training next Thursday, days after we celebrate our two year wedding anniversary.

It took a long time to get here. At least, it felt like a long time, but really, in the scheme of life, it's not that long. But still. We are finally here.

I don't know what is going to happen. I'm not sure how this will affect us, how much it will or won't help. I'm not sure if this is where we will stay or if things will shift later on. There's a lot I don't know.

What I do know, though, is that this job is a gift from God. I do know this is the direction He is leading us in. I know that He is right here with us, struggling and fighting alongside us. He is calling out to us when we are tired and offering to help. And then, sometimes, He will help even if we don't ask for it.

I'm also learning how important it is to pray for specific things. I don't pray for thousands of dollars (though I would not be opposed to being given this) because I don't feel like that lines up with what He is calling me to. But I do pray for direction and guidance. I ask for the things we need. And I don't stop asking.

His Love Extended quoted E.M. Bounds the other day and then wrote a post on prayer. It touched my heart, and I felt God stirring something inside of me. That night, I prayed specifically that my husband be offered a job the next day. I didn't know which job it would be, but I prayed that a job offer would be put in place. The next day, I received a text message at 10:32am that training would begin on September 16th.

It's all God's doing. He knew the perfect timing. He understands the positions we need to hold when it comes to jobs. And while it might not be easy, and while it doesn't always align with what we expect for our lives, His way is always best.

(title from "light outside" by wakey!wakey!)

it feels bad now but it's going to get better

I'm furious this afternoon. Absolutely livid. And yet I am also at peace. I am also walking in the knowledge that God is sovereign that He has a plan and that His plan is perfect. I am also walking in the knowledge that He has always been present in my life and that He will continue to be present.

But I am still furious.

I am furious at the brokenness in the world, at the people who are petty enough to watch another's undoing and do nothing to help. I am furious at the separation between man and God, at how difficult it can be to hear His voice. I am furious.

I have never felt so much anger coupled with so much peace. I had a moment of anxiety and wonderment and worry and feeling as though I were free falling, but I realized those things were keeping me from grabbing onto the anger and praying through it and over it.

God is at work in the world, in my life, and in the life of my husband. We don't always know what He is doing, and we do sometimes question His methods. But we know He is present.

There is so much opposition right now. If there were not separation between man and God, I could hear Him calling out through the opposition. Instead, I am left wondering when and if I will hear His soft, still voice or when and if my husband with hear His soft, still voice.

I believe God is over everything. I believe He allows opposition to occur. Sometimes, I think the opposition shows where we are not supposed to go, but other times, opposition exists to show that we are right where we need to be. But how do you separate the two? If we could just hear God's voice on the other end of the telephone, it would be easy to tell, but unfortunately, I don't know the number to His personal cell phone.

I'm struggling with the anger, and I am struggling with opposition. I've faced much opposition in my twenty-five years, and as a married woman of almost two years, I have faced even more opposition in my marriage. But the opposition has made me stronger. And it is has shown me just how badly I need God. Still, I am not clear on which opposition is Him standing in my way and which is Him pushing me forward and telling me to fight.

I pray against opposition quite often, but now I wonder if I should pray into it. How far in am I to lean into the opposition? How long do I need to fight until I throw up my hands in defeat and declare God the victor before moving onto my next battle? Is there even a right choice?

These are the thoughts spinning around in my head on Labor Day, the thoughts that came after a long walk with my dogs and my mother-in-law and then a trip to the Arts Festival Oklahoma. The thoughts that started with worry and then switched to anger after a conversation with my husband.

There is so much injustice in the world. There is so much belittling and so much pettiness. It is a wonder anyone is able to make it for 80 odd years as a person. The belittling, pettiness and injustice is enough to kill a person's spirit, to make a person throw up their hands and declare the world the victor.

And yet, somehow, it doesn't. Somehow we continue to move on. Somehow we continue to hold out for what is promised us.

Today I am praying for His promises. Today I am searching for His plan. Today I am asking for His direction. Today I am hoping to hear answers about opposition. Today I am hoping to understand.

Because I know He has a plan. I know His promises, that were spoken over me, will become true. I know that He is working. I know, I know, I know. I am just desperate to hear from Him again and to see more than just one step in front of me.


Edit 7:47pm, Monday September 6, 2010: God is good. I still claim this and know this to be true. He has a plan. His plan is moving forward. He provides. I never question this. I wrestle with His ways, but I know He is close. He always is and always will be. Through all my weakness, He is strong. 

(title from "almost everything" by wakey!wakey!)