and i know you can't stay but i wish you would

picture found here

According to many, home is where the heart is. But what if your heart is in many different places?

I flew out of Oklahoma City on Tuesday afternoon. There was a brief layover in Dallas, and then I landed in Houston. My mom greeted me at the airport. I spent Tuesday evening with my mom and brother. We ate, drank wine, and watched home videos. On Wednesday, my brother went off to work, and my mom and I stayed home. We watched Eat Pray Love, and then, Wednesday evening was a repeat of Tuesday with dinner, wine, and home videos.

Spending time with my family is more rare than I would like. In college, I enjoyed the eight-hour drive between Houston and Oklahoma City. Just a few years later, I despise the eight-hour drive and find myself entertaining the idea of living in Texas. It's not as easy as saying "let's move." There are jobs and houses and a husband and in-laws and dogs in Oklahoma.

My heart is in Oklahoma with my husband and my dogs. We are building a life there. It's not as easy as I want. Sometimes it is so difficult that it seems as though it would be easier to forget everything and move someplace new where we could just start over. But forgetting and starting over is not a pattern we are wanting to follow.

My heart is also in Texas with my parents and my Nana. There's familiarity here. I have a few friends who I miss dearly and would love to be able to call and meet for coffee or dinner on any night of the week. The grocery stores are also better (and cheaper) than the grocery stores in Oklahoma.

But my heart is also in Michigan. It longs for the crashing waves of Lake Michigan, the clear skies, the stars, and the sunsets. When I close my eyes, I see the park near my grandparents house. I can practically smell the fresh corn waiting to be purchased straight from the farm.

During my sophomore year of college, a professor had us think about our writing home. For me, it was Michigan. But what about my other home? What about where my heart is?

I want to have roots. I want to take a deep breath and settle somewhere. I'm trying to settle into a life in Oklahoma, and while many would argue that marriage is putting down roots (and it is in many ways), I still feel myself searching for the best soil for us both to put down roots.

I don't know if there is anything that would make it easier. While I do want to leave Oklahoma and return to Texas, I know it would present a new array of challenges. And I know that some of those challenges would make me long for life in Oklahoma, just as the challenges in Oklahoma make me long for life in Texas.

As a child, I was so ready to grow up. I wanted to move from one stage of life to the next as quickly as I could. Now that I am an adult, I want to move back into previous stages of life. I want to slow down. I want time to sit and contemplate where home is. I want a chance to just breathe and focus on what I want.

But life moves quickly. I go to work and make dinner almost every day. Weekends pass far too quickly. There is so much to catch up on, and while twenty-four hours seems like a good amount of time (in theory), it is never enough. I just can't seem to keep up.

I will board a flight on Monday evening. There will be no layover in Dallas this time. My plane will touch down in Oklahoma City after 5pm. I will be back with my husband and our dogs. Maybe my heart will be there, too. We'll see.

(title from "dance so good" by wakey!wakey!)

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