lost and unsure i opened my hand

We celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday night with a nice dinner by the lake. It was an hour wait, and we sat on a bench outside talking about our current state and dreaming together. We discussed some of the plans we felt God calling us too and also talked about how those plans can change. Both of us are in different jobs than we imagined for ourselves. Nothing is perfect or easy, but we both feel as though God has led us to this point.

Even with that knowledge, with His whisperings to me that He is in control, I struggle with letting go. I'm afraid to be filled with excitement over where He is calling us because I am afraid of my heart breaking.

It's much like Valentine's Day. I spent years thinking of February 14th as an integral day. I thought it needed gorgeous bouquets of flowers and elaborate dinners along with expensive presents. I fell into the trap of feeling like nothing if I had no one to share the day with.

I know differently now. I feel that Valentine's Day now is not important. To me, love is important, but I don't need a specific day to make me feel loved or cared for. I need the day to day events and happenings to remind me of what it truly means to be loved.

Getting to the point has taken years. And I think it's much the same way with letting go and allowing myself to be filled with excitement. While I want to be able to fall into His arms and His plans, I'm tentative to let go of everything I know even though it's true that His way will be best.

(title from "forgive me" by missy higgins)