my head alongside my heart

How is it that one event can simultaneously be one of the best things to ever happen to you and also one of the worst?

That one event for me, right now, is knee surgery. It might not be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. (It's not.) And I am sure there may be many more worse things on their way. But right now, my life feels consumed by knee surgery.

It's been just over two months since I had the surgery. I thought that, by this time, I would be cranking out the miles on the stationary bicycle. That I would be showing off my newfound quadricep strength. That I would be back to work. But I am none of those things.

I rode the stationary bicycle for the first time on Monday. Eight minutes. No resistance, and I didn't spin fast enough for the monitor to come on and register that I was there pedaling away. In fact, it was hard. I could feel it in my IT Band and struggled not to compensate by letting my right foot due most of the work while my left foot flopped and moved so I wouldn't have to work so hard.

I'm not back at work. That makes me feel like a failure. Even worse I feel like I'm not making the most of my time off. I'm not writing as much as I should. I have lots of arts and crafts projects to work on. And yet, I find myself just sitting. I've had things to focus on but I haven't used the time to do things for myself or better myself. Rather I have almost punished myself for being off work. It's hard to do things I enjoy when I feel like I shouldn't be able to. Not sure if that makes any sense (it barely does to me).

I know that the knee surgery was necessary. One of the reasons this recovery is such a struggle is because I have needed the surgery for longer than I realized and for longer than I wanted to admit. My fall in December made it so there was no other choice, but I had ignored the signs for years prior.

And I know that one day I will be glad I had this knee surgery. When it's easier to participate in spin class (not that spin is ever easy). When I can go up the stairs using both legs. When I'm back to normal. When I don't have to worry about tripping and falling and feeling the agony of a dislocated, and then relocated, patella.

But right now, in the somewhat early morning while I waste a bit of time before physical therapy, I'm not glad. Right now I am struggling with the knee surgery. Right now I am fighting away fears that I'll never fully recover. Right now I find myself stuck in a place that I don't quite know how to get out of. Jen Hatmaker called it the duldrums, and I think that's what it is. Because there's no depression or anything like that. There's just a feeling of being stuck.

I've gained weight since the knee surgery. Not a lot by what the scale says. But it's still weight. And maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but I feel like it's obvious. It's a gain of about eight pounds. And for over two months of knee surgery recovery, two months of very little activity and too much Chik-Fil-A and macaroni and cheese, it's not a bad gain. But I want to stop the number from climbing any higher. I'm the one who has to stop it. Who needs to deal with the kitchen and refrigerator and ease of the drive-through.

And even though sometimes it feels like there is nothing but negativity stemming from the surgery and this recovery, I know there is good. I'm rested. More rested than I have been in over a year. I'm happy, in a lot of ways, with the direction our life is taking. Announcing our plan to become parents and then seeing the progress that is slowly being made has been good for me. It's been a reminder that things are happening.

I'm realizing more and more what my passions are. I know what issues get me riled up. And I've rediscovered a strength to fight those issues. I want to share my passions with people and with the Church. I want to remind everyone of how important the issues are and of the positions we are all in to do something about those issues.

And I'm gaining courage. Not a lot just yet (or I probably wouldn't be struggling with the duldrums) but enough to spur me on and remind me that I can do this and that God's hand is in all of it. Enough for me to step out of my comfort zone and allow Him to take over on certain issues. Enough for me to really wonder and dream of certain things. Enough for me to fully open myself up to possibilities I had ignored for a long time.

I still don't know what all of this means for my blog. I have plenty of weight left to lose. And I need to do something about losing it. I've been complacent and taken a back seat to it for a long time. That means I need to truly deal with the issues of why I haven't lost the weight. It's not as simple as me cleaning out my refrigerator and buying produce. I know that about myself. I don't want my blog to be only about weight loss. Because, for me, that would lead me into an unhealthy relationship with myself and with food. I refuse to let that happen.

I also don't want my blog to only be about parenting or foster care. Though those things are important. However, there's not a lot I could share, and therefore the blog would remain silent.

I also don't think I can write a blog dedicated entirely to faith. Yes, my faith runs throughout the posts and is always there, but I don't think I could come up with enough content to always write about it. Because I have days when I just struggle.

Maybe it will be a combination of it all. A better reflection of my life as a whole. We'll see. Right now, my life is recovery. Right now, my life is fighting the duldrums. Right now, my life is waiting.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)

you've got the power

After four days away from the gym, I changed into my work-out clothes today and spent my lunch hour on the elliptical and on the mat doing ab exercises with the CorBall.

Every time I go to the gym, I watch the people around me. What is their heart rate? How fast are they moving on the elliptical? What exercises are they doing? Sometimes I try to incorporate their habits into my work out. Other times I think to myself that they are doing this or that wrong. Every now and then I recognize that they are more fit than I am. Then I store their moves into the back of my mind with the intention of utilizing it once I am more physically able.

The internet allows us to have all information at our fingertips. You simply type something into google.com and suddenly you have endless information available to you. Some of the information is repetitive, and some of the information is anything but helpful. But it's all there.

There's this need and desire I have for things to follow a certain order. I want to know what steps I need to take. How do I achieve fulfillment? How do I go about settling on a career and then moving my way up and through that career? What steps do I need to take in order to successfully lose 100 pounds and then maintain that weight loss?

I could find all of those answers and more with a simple search. I could also walk through the aisles of a bookstore and find a book on every topic. Some of those search results and aisles might yield helpful information. But that's all it is. It's just information.

No one can tell me exactly how to go about losing 100 pounds. There is the idea of cutting calories and increasing activity. And that works. But exactly how much do I cut calories? And how much activity is too much activity?

The answer is different for everyone. Just like the path a life takes is different for everyone.

I find myself at a crossroads almost everyday. It's a crossroads about what I want to do and who I want to be. It's a crossroads of wondering how I should go about standing out or if I should just try to blend in. Sometimes I mention my questions and thoughts to other people. Other times, I remain quiet and pensive.

This evening, I finally moved the laundry off of the washing machine and dryer. I dropped it on the foot of the bed and set about my least favorite chore: folding and putting away the clean (and now wrinkled) clothes. The whole time I considered this need to have a plan. This desire to know exactly what I have to do to lose weight or land my dream job.

There is no plan I can follow directly. Life is not a straight line. It's a series of twists and turns. Every decision impacts where a person goes next. And while I do believe God has certain hopes for us and intentions for our lives, how we land at those points is completely up to us. It's why we have free will. Because He could just make every decision for us and allow us to follow a completely straight path. But He would rather us figure it out on our own.

That in itself is a blessing. Yet I so often turn that blessing into a curse and mutter about how I just want to know what is going to happen next. I just want to know when I will finally figure out exactly what my life is supposed to be.

At 26, I don't need to have it all figured out. I shouldn't have it figured all out. If I did, what would I do with the next 40 or 50 or 60 years left in my life?

It's easy to think about the now. How each decision impacts my current state. It's also easy to ignore the now and think about only the future - how I will do this or that once I reach a certain point in my career or once I have a certain amount of money in my bank account. Really I can't just concentrate on the now or the future. I need to open myself up to both. My life is meant to be lived in the present but with intention because I want the present to lead to an even better future.

And it's not just about me. This life and these decisions. Yes how I treat myself is important, and yes it is my life to live. But I want my life to be so much more than just my life.

Someone might stumble upon my blog with a question about how to lose 100 pounds. Or a statement about wanting to love themselves and feel beautiful. And I would love to give them every ounce of knowledge I have. I would love the opportunity to meet somewhere for coffee, especially a gingerbread latte with Christmas season at hand, and just talk. To hear their story and then also share mine. To understand how our lives interconnect and maybe to help them find their way. But I wouldn't be able to instill any true advice on how to live their lives.

My advice would come from my experience. The advice would be what I had learned on my journey. Maybe it would help for them to know they weren't alone. I know that helps me. But it would just be assistance. It wouldn't be the easy and clear answer they were searching for - the easy and clear answer I hope to find each time I search google.com.

I'm thankful for every result I find on google.com. I think it's imperative that we all share our stories. I think it's a gift to have the internet as a way of connecting and as a reminder what we are never alone in our struggles, our hopes, and our achievements.

But I also know to take everything with a grain of salt. I know that some of my questions will go unanswered. And I know that my life will never follow the exact same path as someone else. But that's a beautiful thing - the fact that we are all so different and yet to so similar.

So, if you ever see me in the gym watching you, just know I am intrigued. Know that your effort inspires my effort. Know that I love that I can get ideas from you. Know that you, and the story you are living, help me get back into the swing of things after four days away from exercise of any kind.

And if you are looking for answers and a clear path, just remember that you are not alone. And those answers? That path? It will all become clear for you in it's own time. And once it does, the wait will have been worth it. A reminder that is just as much for me as it is for you.

(title from "someone still believes in you" by mary beth maziarz)

the things that i dream i can do

God calls out to me and says "wait." He reminds me that His timing is best. And I concede - for a moment. But the moment passes quickly, and I soon begin to pout with arms crossed over my chest. Frustrated. Tired. Tears brimming my eyes and then falling, my nose dripping. I ask "why" and then "now please." Eventually my eyes are swollen and red, my voice hoarse and I request help.

And God answers. Much like a parent tending to a child with a skinned knee. He brings the items needed to mend my brokenness and kisses the places that hurt. He wraps me in His arms and holds me. I squirm - always - and He tightens His hold.

This is a cycle that repeats itself often. Sometimes it's because of finances. Other times because I am anxious about our house. Or my writing. Or what to do with the rest of my life. The list goes on and on.

God created a worrying heart when He knit me together. He created a person who liks to have a plan and does not like to deter the plan. He did this knowingly and with thoughtful reasons. He knew all the steps I would take and when I would fall. He counts every tear I cry.

The thought alone moves me to tears. How can someone, anyone, love so completely and perfectly? How can He look at me and see a beautiful creation when I am nothing more than a snotty nose, puffy eyes, scraped knees, broken heart, and bruised arms?

I don't know. I will never know.

Right now I am anxious and impatient with my writing, with piecing together sentences and creating imaginary (or not so imaginary) worlds. I am ready to move past this process of writing and rewriting. I am ready to take the next step. But I have to wait.

Writing is hard. To me it is one of the hardest things to do. I love it with every ounce of myself, yes, but I also despise it with every ounce of myself. Compared to others, my words fall flat, and my stories seem so simple and so unimportant.

But they aren't. Nothing is unimportant.

Because if I don't write, then who will tell the stories? They are not my stories but His. Knit together with other stories being told to remind us all that life hurts and is hard but there is always hope.

And does God need me for any of this? No. But He wants me. He selected me and provided me with the desire to put pen to paper as a child and now to tap my fingers against the keyboard. He gave me a love of the written word, the ability to lose myself in a book, and the dream to create characters and stories that will somehow touch others.

So here I am. Tired and devoid of any inspiration for my current writing project. Frustrated with the most recent short story I wrote. Envious of other's voice. But God says wait. And He promises that He has a purpose for my writing and my love of the word.

Now please?

Not yet. And I will wait.

(lyrics from "one sweet love" by sara bareilles)