plant your hope with good seeds

This weekend was a combination of good and bad, happy and sad. I have so many questions and thoughts, hopes and dreams, desires and needs, prayers floating in my head. I feel like I have come so far. And then I am daunted by how far I have to go.

It's been over 6 months since I took the first step towards the new me. 6 months of running through past hurts and lies. 6 months of turning to other people instead of to food or into myself. 6 months of opening myself up to the world and learning how to let go.

Sometimes I think "I've got this" and "Nothing can stop me." Other times I still want to crawl back under the covers and stay hidden in my house.

I don't know if I'll ever not feel like hiding at least some of the time. I don't know if anyone ever feels like they can face every single day without fear. But if someone does, I'd really like to know how and to tap into that strength.

But no matter how I feel, I know that I have come so far already. Yes there are many more months to go. And yes, I hope to lose another 69.2 pounds. Yes, I still have a lot of dreams to chase. And more dreams to dream.

I'm scared of the dreams I have. Of the knocking I feel on my heart to tell evey ounce of my story. To share all of the things that brought me here. To actually be a writer and finish an entire.

And I'll probably fall and scrape my knees and bloody my hands (again and again), but I will get up every time and keep going. And I'll write the book - no matter how scared I am.

Saturday night.
Monday morning.
After all, I've already lost 29.8 pounds. If I can do that, I am pretty sure I can do just about anything else.

(title from "thistles & weeds" by mumford and sons)

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