investing my life

Saturday was a big day in our house. One of the biggest since I had knee surgery in January. It left me excited for the future and utterly exhausted.

It started because I was bored. Beyond bored really. There's only so much Private Practice that a girl can watch until 10+ episodes a day gets to be too much. There's only so many different positions I can sit in over the course of a day.

We had plans that night to go out for dinner with an older couple from our church, but until then there were multiple hours to get through.

For some time, my husband and I have discussed the need for a new laptop or computer of some sort. Our plan originally was to purchase a PC a few months back, but then I hurt my knee and one of our dogs had to have surgery. We kept putting the purchase off and trying to make it with just my 7-year-old MacBook.

That all changed on Saturday. We simply couldn't do it any longer. Between overheating, the mousepad not working properly and a lot of first world frustrations, we knew it was time. Time to move forward. Time to invest in our future endeavors.

After some shopping around, and a lot of talking it over, we headed to the mall - me on my crutches and my husband excited that we got to park in disabled parking - and made one of the larger purchases of our married life.

I know it's an object. And that nothing is tied to it. I could have edited and written on my old MacBook. But something about having a new shiny MacBook Pro has inspired me. Rather than losing all understanding of how quickly the day passes while watching television, I've spent my time on the computer lost in the world of manuscripts and blogging.

During college, I wrote a lot. Most of it was for fun, but much of it was also for classes. I took courses in communication that demanded papers. My major was professional writing which meant I had to complete an entire novel in the course of a semester. While taking English classes, I wrote short story after short story. I also submitted pieces to an online publication.

I was committed to my degree then. I was invested in writing. And I always thought it would be that way.

But a funny thing happens when you graduate from college. At least a funny thing happened to me. The dreams I once had, while still very real, took a back seat to the life I saw in front of me. Rather than write stories, I wrote court reports. Rather than spend time working on submissions, I dedicated time to treatment plans. I still talked about writing as my dream job, but I didn't do anything to turn that dream into a reality.

It only got worse as the years passed. While I always felt more myself when writing, I simply decided I no longer had the time to do it. I chose to spend my time on other tasks... Tasks I deemed more important.

The time I've had off work has changed my thoughts. I've been drawn back into the world of writing and editing and creativity. I've realized how much a part of me the written word is and just how empty I have been without it.

So this purchase of a new Macbook Pro solidifies my commitment to writing and to myself. Once I'm back at work, I won't have the time to write as I do now. So until I return to work, I'm going to dedicate my days to writing and blogging and creativity.

We discussed our purchase over dinner. We also discussed my writing. I have a desire to write stories that mean something to people. I want my words to impact someone's life in such a way that they are left forever altered. I want my work and my art to point back to a Creator who is so much more than I ever will be.

Talking with our friends, I was hit by God's grace. They shared stories about their daughter who is a professor in theatre and how she has a desire to see more Christians on stage. How she has a desire to help Christians escape doing just Christian theatre. It hit me then how much I have a desire to write but not to write Christian fiction.

I want to write in a way that reaches the mainstream. I want the stories to be relatable and entertaining. But at the end of the way, I want the stories to remind people that they are not the end all be all. I want my stories to elicit a wonder in people that makes them think about things more important than worldly possessions and comparisons to others.

So that's what I've been doing. Working on one incomplete manuscript and editing another manuscript to send off to a beta reader.

Without this knee surgery, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have this time to dedicate to writer if not for an extensive surgery. Had I been able to go back to work after a week, as first (and stupidly) planned, I would still be living a life without actual words. There would be talk of writing but not actual writing.

We prayed about it on Saturday night. Me, my husband, and our friends. And in that moment, I felt it. This reminder that I've been given a dream of being a writer for a reason. This reminder that God is working to provide a way for me to just write.

These reminders continued throughout the weekend. Not just reminders about writing. But reminders of God's timing. His timing with my knee surgery, with our moving to a different church, with purchasing our new house, and with a few other things.

And I also remembered how important it is for me to be engaged. If I am not engaged in my life or my walk, then I can't grow. I won't see Him working. I'll miss all the beautiful things He does. I'll miss the future He is calling me to and instead settle for whatever I see in front of me at that time. I'll miss the provisions He is giving me.

There have been so many provisions during this time. Do I miss being mobile and busy? In a lot of ways, yes. Do I miss being independent? Yes very much so. Do I miss spin class and the elliptical? Yes. But when I had all those things, I also missed writing. I just didn't realize it until I had it back in my life.

The MacBook Pro is an object. But it is also an investment. Just like a gym membership is an investment and running shoes are an investment. And it's not the last investment I will make either. It's the first of many. Because from now on, I will be investing in myself and my life.

Linking up with Mercy Ink Blog for Heart and Home!

i dreamed your dream for you

The past few weeks have been good and also difficult. Most weeks are just that. I would like to say I know exactly what to do to make every week good and not so difficult, but I'm aware that right now, in this moment, the weeks will continue to be good and also difficult.

I'm stretched so thin these days. There are many times when I think I just can't do all this anymore. And there are times when I stop doing much of it - when I give into the exhaustion and the frustrations and I allow myself to stop working quite so hard. But then I can't stay that way, so I go back to early morning work-outs of squeezing a 30-minute work-out in between jobs.

I have yet to figure out the balancing act. Or the act of eating healthy. It's so hard to say no to a juicy cheeseburger than costs $3.50 at a local diner and say yes to a $8 salad that looks nowhere near as appetizing. And usually I say yes to the cheeseburger and no to the salad - even when I've spent the entire morning (and the night before) preparing myself for the task of ordering a salad.

I've spent a lot of time focusing on the things I haven't done. A lot of time trying to understand what my relationship with food really is and why it is that I go back to the foods that are not good for me. I've also spent a lot of time focusing on just how busy I am and realizing how important my diet is right now when I don't have the time or the energy to spend two hours in the gym every day.

And I am spending a lot of time focusing on where I am in life. On what I am doing every day and the impact it is having. Because every day I am surrounded by need. The need of medical care, the need of parents who care, the need of attention and of structure, the need of an understanding ear, the need of help even when you don't want to ask for help.

Seeing that need all around me is exhausting. It tugs on my heartstrings and makes me wish that I could do more and be more. When something happens and I feel like I didn't do this or that right, it impacts my entire day and then usually the day after that. So I do what only I can and I pray for some sort of guidance. Because I am human and I fail daily. I fail myself and my fight for health. I fail the children I work with. I just fail.

Even with the failure, there is success. There are moments, like last night, where I cuddle a sick child at 10:00pm and press a wet washcloth against their forehead that I am overcome with a sense of purpose. where I am reminded that it is okay to fail because there is always the next day. There are moments when I dance like a crazy person in the middle of the living room with children who don't speak fluent English and for that moment it doesn't matter that I hardly remember how to count to ten in Spanish or how to say the colors. Because the children's laughter and smiles overcomes any boundaries that exist.

And it is because of those moments that I am reminded to continue to fight for myself. It is those moments that allow me the grace to forgive myself for my failures in weight loss and healthy living. Because I remember that I need to be healthy so that I can be there for those late nights of dancing and pressing a washcloth to the forehead of a child sick with fever.

I still don't know how to do it, though. How do I say no to the easy drive-thru meal and instead make something healthy to eat when I spend the free 30 minutes I have at the gym or stuck in traffic. And when I am spending the money to eat out, why is it so hard to spend a few extra dollars on the salad instead of getting a crispy chicken sandwich or cheeseburger?

If I ever get the answers to those questions, I'll pass on the information. Because it is something I will need to hold onto. I need to be forever reminded of how to do this whole living healthy thing.

I never feel great after I eat french fries with my chicken sandwich instead of a side salad. And I always say that next time I will get a salad. But then that next time comes around and again I order french fries instead of the salad.

With each passing week, I feel like I am closer to understanding and closer to a breakthrough. But it is a process and I need to allow that process to happen so that when that breakthrough happens, it will stick and not just fade in a matter of days.

And I need to continue on with where I am. Serving the needs of the people I work with. Recognizing that God has placed me in these positions for a reason. Remembering that one day I won't always have to work so hard. Being thankful for the blessings that are coming from these opportunities - like spending a weekend in the Plano/Frisco area with one of my best friends and like upcoming trips and plans with my husband. And also having the chance to make that difference in a child's life.

(title from "romeo and juliet" by edwin mccain)

need that to be enough

I've considered how to start this particular post multiple times, and each time I consider the beginning, I consider the words that will follow. Will they be positive? Will the exude strength? How much will I open up? Why can't I just be past this point already? Is any of this even worth documenting? Are others as sick of this constant back and forth as I am?

Because I am sick of it. And exhausted from it. And starting to really, truly wonder if I can even do this. There's a voice in my mind that tells me to stop, to give up, to not even try anymore. And I am doing my best to quiet that voice. It still wins out sometimes.

I've said before that it is not just about weight. This journey does not only include eating well and exercising often. There is a life outside of those things. Friendships to maintain and strengthen. A marriage to tend to. Two dogs who stick close to my side whenever I am home. A family to connect with whenever possible. A 40-hour work week to complete. A life to turn into what I want, hope, and pray it will be. A house to worry about.

If it were just about weight, I think this journey would be easier. I could focus on exercising for hours a day. I could limit the foods in my kitchen to suit only my needs. I could sleep in the middle of the day and take my dogs on walks.

But this journey is about life and what life is like when trying to lose weight.

We went to church on Sunday. I was tired and frustrated with myself. I'd failed to complete the second week of phase one of the South Beach Diet. I felt every ounce of my failure. I also felt every ounce of my being that wanted nothing more but to sit at home and consume comfort foods. Every ounce of my being that had been ready to crawl into bed at 8pm (and did one night) just so I could sleep and forget about the previous day and maybe put off the worry of the next day.

With minutes to spare before the start of the service, I settled into my seat and read through the bulletin. The church recently purchased a building. It's a historical church in the city that needs quite a bit of work, and within the bulletin, there was a pamphlet explaining the funds needed to be raised for the church. The breakdown of money took up one side of the pamphlet, and then on the other side was an explanation of the reason for the breakdown.

I came to the end of the explanation and read about how so many of us focus on the end goal instead of trusting God to walk with us through the journey. I leaned over to my husband and read the words aloud to him. I mentioned how much I struggle with focusing on the end goal, and he smiled because he knows.

How I wish I could say this sparked a change. That I let go of my desire to focus on the end goal and decided to put my faith and trust into a God that's never failed me before. How I wish I could say that the rest of the weekend and this week so far was wonderful and lacked any sort of anxiety.

But I can't honestly say any of that. Because this week has been hard. The rest of the day on Sunday was hard. Filled with all of these emotions (mainly anger and frustration) I couldn't seem to control, I let loose in a less than attractive manner. There were tears. I raised my voice. I didn't want to be comforted. And I felt the weight of it all.

This weight clings to me still. Maybe not as tightly as once before, but it is there. It comes in the form of the dogs ripping off the storm door at the back of the house. It comes in the form of our car being broken into and our house almost being broken into. It comes in the form of the scale either not moving or climbing back up to a number I hoped I had left behind for good.

So how do I move past all of this for good? That's what is on my mind each waking moment. And every night this week, since Saturday, we have completed a devotional together. And every night this week, the words have struck true to the weight and to the struggle and to where I am in my daily life and walk.

The most powerful words came on Tuesday night. Exhausted from sharing my hurts and struggles in a group setting, I came home unsure of what to do. There was a part of me that felt lighter. I had let people in. I had exposed myself. I was able to hear other's stories and to hear a faint whispering that I wasn't alone.

It's so hard for me to truly open up. I can let go of pieces of myself and share stories, but to show someone everything is terrifying. Because I feel like I have no right to struggle or to feel frustrated or to be anything but perfect. Compared to others my life is wonderful. Compared to others I have nothing to complain about.

But with urging from my husband to talk and a feeling rising up in my chest, I opened up. I didn't realize then that it was 364 days before I had had such an amazing and lifechanging experience. I think about that day and I know it was real and true. And I wonder both why some of those things have not yet come true and why I struggle with the same things now as I did then.

With all this in mind, and with a heart that felt raw and exposed, I settled into bed with my husband and opened to the devotional of the night. As we read the words, I knew they were meant for me in that exact moment.

I've spent so much time being strong. Or at least wanting to be strong. I've been through plenty to warrant strength, and even during the times when many would cave or fall or lose it, I held on. I tucked my chin to my chest and moved forward. I often wondered "why me." I didn't want pity. I wanted to understand why certain things happened to me and not to others. I wanted to understand why it couldn't just be easy.

Reading this devotional opened my eyes just a little bit. There is still a part of me that doesn't want to hear what I am being told, but I am quieting that part. I am turning to the Truth I know in the midst of all of this and asking for help that only He can provide me.

I need help with eating well. I need help with exercising (especially this week when I am tired and agitated). I need help with being a wife. I need help with my house. I need help with letting go of all the plans I have for every single day. I need help to sit still and soak up His presence. I need help (and constant reminders) that this journey is just as much about the journey and steps to get to the end as it is the end.

Desperately, I want to be positive and upbeat. I want to remind others that they can do this. That there is no giving up. I want to inspire. And I struggle with that so much as well because I feel like I am anything but positive and upbeat. In the midst of this struggle, I found a quote from Winston Churchill.

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

I chose to see opportunity in these difficulties. As I struggle with the questions listed above, I remember that this blog is a documentation of the past, of the present, and of what I want for the future. It is an avenue to document the life lessons as well as a place to come and to let go of all those struggles and words I keep holed up inside. It is an opportunity to share my story and also an opportunity to share my heart.

It is also an opportunity to share a place to mourn, a place to celebrate, a place to share, and a place to rest.

I hope you can find those places as well. If it's here, then welcome. I can't wait to find the different opportunities in every single difficulty.

(title from "lovely" by sara haze)