Questions and Answers: Foster Care

{This post originally appeared on Not Quite Qualified. Some of the answers are in the process of changing, but I'll get to that at a later date...}

(Picture taken by AWPhotography... If you're in the OKC area, check her out!)

It's funny how, once children enter you life, people feel as though they have the right to know any amount of personal information. I've never been pregnant, but I've watched friends (and clients) cringe when strangers ask to put their hands on pregnant bellies in hopes of feeling a kick or an elbow.

And yet, people don't generally ask someone how quickly it took to become pregnant. There's no question of how the pregnancy was obtained - the old fashioned way, a turkey baster, IVF, etc. Instead, people accept a pregnancy and reconcile it in their minds as being normal.

Justin and I have always talked about adoption. It was a running joke between the two of us that we didn't really want to create a child. We both knew what we had been like as children and teenagers, and while our parents survived those 18 years, we weren't quite sure we would. We've also joked that we weren't quite prepared to have children that looked like us. While everyone goes through an awkward stages, ours had been a bit more than awkward, so we decided to protect any future offspring from immense awkwardness and simply adopt.

Of course, there were a few years when we weren't even sure that we'd ever have kids - even through foster care and adoption. Children are forever. They require an amount of time and energy that we weren't quite sure we were ready to invest.

But then a situation presented itself. We prayed, and we following the calling firmly planted on our hearts and in our laps. There have been many bumps along the way. We've questioned our sanity and our future more times than I count. But even of the absolute worst days, we know we followed the call and do not look back at the past 10 months with any amount of regret.

The questions have stabilized some, but they still come up when we jokingly explain that we went from 0 to 3 kids in one fell swoop.

So what questions do we get? They vary. These are the Top 10 most often asked questions. As well as the responses I want to give and then what I actually day.

1. Why do you foster?

What I Want To Say: Why did you choose to have biological children? Why does it matter? Why don't you foster? What I Actually Say: We feel called to foster care. And to adoption. For me, personally, I feel it is important to care for children who are already born. There are so many children who need a home and need love.

2. Are you all able to have your own children?

What I Want To Say: Does it matter? {Then several expletives.}  What I Actually Say: We don't know, but it doesn't matter to us. We consider them our kids. {And sometimes I might delve into the personal a bit more, but for the most part, this is as far as I go.}

3. Are they all siblings?

What I Want to Say: Does it matter? Why do you even care? Regardless of DNA, they live in the same house, so yes, they are siblings.  What I Actually Say: Yes. We wouldn't have three if they weren't! 

4. Do you have any biological children?

What I Want to Say: Does it matter? Biology does not make one child more "my child."  What I Actually Say: No.  I don't think we'd be able to have three additional kids on top of biological children.

5. Their parents won't get them back, right?

What I Want to Say: We wish they could. In our heart of hearts, we wish all children could be raised by their parents. We would love to be able to form a mentoring relationship and help to reunify a family. Not a day goes by that I don't realize the aching truth that I am raising children who originally knew someone else as mama. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the weight that accompanies the heartbreak children experienced before they came to live with us. They shouldn't have to be in foster care.  What I Actually Say: We don't know. All we are here to do is to stand in the gap and love them for as long as we have them - whether that is for a few days, a few months or forever.

6. I don't think I could give them back. How do you do that?

What I Want to Say: So you'd rather not foster and protect yourself while thousands of children suffer and spend nights at the shelter? I don't think I could do that. And it's not like there is any guarantee that you will have a biological child for 18+ years. Nothing is certain.   What I Actually Say: We take it one day at a time. At the end of the day, it's not our call to make. And really? How do we not?

7. Do they still have visitation with their parents?

What I Want to Say: It's really none of your business. And why does it even matter to you?  What I Actually Say: {It depends on who is asking and if they have a right to the information.}

8. How long have you had them?

What I Want to Say: Does it really matter? Some days it seems like forever and other time it seems like it's only been days. Some days I feel like I can do this for the rest of my life, and some days I feel like time is crawling.  What I Actually Say: Several months. Though it often feels like they've always been there.

9. Are you going to adopt?

What I Want to Say: I really can't think about that right now. If I say yes and then something happens, I'll feel awful. But if I say no, then I don't want you to think I'm a terrible person either. It changes on a daily basis. Sometimes an hourly basis. Though I firmly believe every family who does adopt... They always find the right child or children. Somehow it all works out even if it doesn't make sense.  What I Actually Say: Yes, if that is an option. If not, we will love these kids as though they were ours for as long as we have them.

10. How do you do it (meaning work, school, kids, etc.)?

What I Want to Say: I don't know. Most days, I don't feel like I do anything. Most days, I feel like I let multiple people down all at once. Most days, I feel like it's not okay for me to struggle. I feel like people think I've got it all figured out when they ask that question, and I just don't have anything figured out.  What I Actually Say: I don't do it. I can't do it. Jesus does it. And really, you just adapt to whatever you have in front of you. Starbucks helps too. 

There's a central theme that runs through those questions. At one point, I called it prying. I found it highly frustrating. And while I still sometimes struggle with the questions (and the nerve), I understand that people are, for the most part, simply trying to understand a foreign concept. It's easy to come to terms with two parents parenting their biological children, but it's nearly impossible to understand parents welcoming in children from difficult places with hard behavior.

I choose to believe that people are inherently good, that the questions they ask come from a place of love and of worry. It doesn't mean that the questions don't hurt. Because they do. I've spent countless hours trying to understand why I have to be different. I've spent countless hours feeling as though I am less than other women and other mothers as I do not have a deep seeded desire to birth a baby and care for said baby from infancy onward.

I have learned much about myself since we first began the journey of approval for foster approximately one year ago. I've realized how hurtful some of the words I spoke were. And I've learned to stop comparing myself, my story, and my venue of motherhood to those of other women. We are all different, and those differences include how we choose to start a family or if we choose to start a family.

I think questions are warranted. They are essential to beginning a dialogue about the need for foster parents. But those same needed questions can also hurt. It's up to you and to me to figure out how to engage in the dialogue without making anyone feel as though they are less than someone else.

I am no better than anyone else. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, about me that is amazing. I'm flawed (as you can tell by some of the answer I want to give). I have some pretty terrible parenting moments, and sometimes I have some stellar ones as well. 

frequently asked questions - foster care

1. How old are the kids you're planning to foster?
One is a teenager and one is a toddler. And both are girls. My poor husband is going to be outnumbered. He has already requested that friends be his alternate caregiver.

Me? I can't wait to buy clothes for both the kids. My poor husband may need to get an extra job or two in addition to having an alternate caregiver.

2. What made you want to foster?
I've been a social worker for about 5 years now. And since the beginning, I've known I wanted to foster and adopt. There are so many wonderful kids who simply need to be loved and told they are worth something.

We (meaning I) had planned to wait for another year to begin the process, but God apparently had other plans.

3. Do you want your own kids?
I understand this question. It comes from a place of curiosity (I think), but it's always a hard one to answer. I tend to get a little overly passionate when it comes to foster care and adoption, and sometimes I take questions personally.

For me, it doesn't matter if I birth a child or if someone else births the child. They can still be my child even without shared DNA. That being said, I'm going to consider any child that comes into our home my child. And I'll care for them as I would care for my own child.

As far as getting pregnant? I don't know.

4. When did you know that you wanted to be a mother?
I never really wanted to be a mom. I never understood it, and I thought that I would spend my days without children. And then this need for foster parents became very clear to my husband and I, and all of a sudden, I was a mom.

5. What is the hardest thing about fostering?
Our kids aren't in our house yet, so that's hard. The other thing that is so hard is how thankless foster care feels. We have an amazing support system through our church and the close relationships we have with members of our church. But there are a lot of people who don't seem to understand why we're fostering. I want to be able to explain it to them but I tend to get a bit overly passionate, so I'm letting God work on my heart and my tongue so that I can talk to people in a way that will really reach them.

6. How can you foster knowing the kids may leave?
How can I not? Foster care isn't about me or what I'm doing. I'm not doing it for myself. I'm doing it because every child deserves to have somewhere to call home. And I'm doing it because God has called me to. Also I'm not amazing for doing it; I'm simply obedient. And really my life is the one that will be changed more than a child's.

I know not everyone is called to foster, but we're all called to do something. God is the one who will provide guidance on what that something is. And these kids, these wonderful and amazing kids, need as much help and whatever kind of help people want to give.

Someone from our church bought paint so that we could turn our spare bedrooms into homes for the kids. Someone else from our church is going through the painstaking process of taping off chevron and stripes in the rooms. Another friend from church is hemming a prom dress for a girl in foster care. We have friends who have offered to be alternate caregivers and help us bolt furniture into the walls. Justin's grandma gave us a crib. One of the therapist's from my physical therapy donated a small suitace and clothes for the teenager. And countless people are actively praying for us.

Those things mean the world to me. Seeing so many people come together to help us and love on our kids reminds me of what the church is meant to be. I love that we all get to be the church to one another and to kids who may never have known what love is.

7. You get paid for fostering, right?
I hate this question, too. Because it hurts me - cuts me to the core. I know people ask because they don't understand. And I want to educate people. However, I feel like there is such a stigma attached to being paid for foster care.

Do we receive a stipend? Yes. And it all goes back to the kids. We also will receive help with daycare. I equal it to taxes for couples with their own biological children. When you have kids, you get a tax break. When you pay for daycare, you get to write some of those expenses off. We won't get a tax break or be able to write off expenses.

Also, we're not yet approved, and we won't be fully approved when the children get placed. Which means we won't receive the stipend. And I almost don't want the stipend. I know it will help, but I already consider the kids as ours and as such I will do everything I can to care for them - regardless of the stipend.

There are some people who foster for the money, and it makes me sick. These kids are people. They deserve to be loved and not seen as a paycheck. Also the stipend is nothing, so I can't comprehend how or why people would do this for the money.

8. Why did you have a shower?
Because we wanted to celebrate. It doesn't matter that the kids are already born. They deserve just as much celebration as an unborn child. And we wanted to include people in our lives - to show them what we're doing and why. We also wanted people to have the chance to meet our kids. This question hurts me because it makes me feel like I'm worth less than someone having a child biologically, and it hurts me for the kids we're getting because I want to provide as much as I can for them.

I'm so blessed to have a friend who got it and threw us a shower. I loved getting to fellowship and show off our kids. I also loved that other friends brought their foster children. I held one little boy and fell deeply in love with him and his 8-month-ol chunkiness.

And we have a lot of needs. This is our first time becoming parents, and so just like any first time parents, we need things like bottles and cups and playpens and toys and clothes and diapers. We still have a lot of those needs and are on the look-out for good deals. Some of our needs were filled on Sunday, and we are so grateful.

9. What do you need?
We still need diapers. And a stroller. We also need a bedding set. And toys. I would love a second playpen, too. And that's just for the toddler. For the teen, we need things like a hair straightener and a comforter set. I could honestly continue the list, but the stuff isn't the most important thing. Yes, it helps, but love and support and friendship and prayer are more important. God has called us to foster, and so I know He will provide. We're registered at Target and Babies R Us, and I plan to look for similar items at garage sales.

9. What do you wish people knew about foster care?
A lot.

I wish people were more accepting. I wish more people would talk to us about our decision to foster. I wish that people didn't think it was so weird. I know it's different and confusing and that people have a hard time understanding it. But I'd love for people to truly talk to us about it.

I also wish people knew how common it is. Since we announced our decision to foster, we've been able to meet others who share a similar heart, and I've loved getting to know those people and have loved that so many people have come alongside us to help us and support us. It brought me so much joy on Sunday to see that happen.

I also wish people understood how little these kids often have. It doesn't matter how old they are; they still have needs. So many kids in foster care move with just trash bags full of belongings. They store some things at offices because they can't take everything to their new "homes" and often those "homes" are not permanent so they lose more every time they move. That's one thing I want to make sure of. I want every child, especially our soon-to-be kids, that this is their home.

I also wish people knew that they could do something. Really do something to change lives. And I wish people would talk to me about it more. I would love to be able to share my heart.

linking up with lauren for heart + home today.