shining through the window pane

picture found here

There is very little I know for sure. And there is even less that I can say with certainty. What I do know is that God is in control. I also know that He is so very much bigger and better than what I give Him credit.

We are in a spot we have been in before. It's a spot I spent a year praying would never be again. But here we are.

Is it a big deal? To me, yes. But to God? Not so much. And to the world? Many would scoff and tell me to move on and look at the world around me. They would remind me of those who go hungry and those who fall asleep scared of their world. And I would say I am keenly aware.

In my line of work, I see it daily. I saw it more when I was in the field or attending court, yes, but I still see it each and every day. And it physically hurts to know that I cannot do more right now. But maybe one day...

I think it is so hard to be here again because I long to be doing more. I want my home to be a safe haven. I want to impact lives and care for the orphans. I also long to come alongside those who have lost their way and lead them home.

But for whatever reason I am meant to play more of a behind the scenes roll at this time. It's hard, so very hard, but it is what God wants for now.

He could swoop in and take the struggle away. He could provide in abundance so that all our worries would disappear. But He hasn't. And there is a reason; I'm just not sure what is.

Driving to work today, I spent time talking to Him and listening. This used to be a daily occurrence but the past few weeks have been filled with singing along to the radio or muttering at other drivers.

Today I asked that He help me with patience and also with remaining present. I don't want to just look to the future. I want to be here right now and take comfort in what He is doing now. I was reminded of the story of Joseph, a story that has been on my husband's heart recently, and how he waited in jail for Pharoah to call on him. He was promised much as a young man and then was sold into slavery. But he never lost hope and was later blessed.

I feel God has promised my husband and I much. We both have a specific purpose. Words have been spoken over and to us. Promises have been made. And while nothing concrete has happened, I can not lose faith. I must be like Joseph and wait.

Is it easy? No. But would I learn to trust God if it were? Probably not.

I asked for patience during my drive to work. I also asked for faith in Him and the promises He makes. I remembered that God makes promises in the Bible but very rarely delivers on them right away. He takes His time. So often we hear that God's timing is always best. It's a true statement; it is also a statement I sometimes cast off as cliche. But it is anything but cliche.

I don't know what will happen. That extends to all areas of my life. Right now, nothing is in my control, and everything is out of my control. But for now, I am at peace. For now, I feel as though I can rest in God and know He is fully in control.

When things happen and I get stressed, which happens all too often, my husband asks me the same thing: "Has God ever let anything really bad happen?" I always answer no, but...

I'm dropping drop the but for now. It has no place in my life. God has not let anything really bad happen. And if He does, well, He probably has a reason.

He's doing something in my life. I don't know what it is, and I am trying not to wonder too much. Because whatever He is doing is better than what I could imagine.

(title from "colder weather" by zac brown band)