making me new

picture found here.

I am in a season of growing and changing. It is a season in which I hear and feel God speaking to me rather than hearing nothing.

After weeks of silence, I longed to hear His voice. I longed to know His vision for my life. I wanted something more to hold onto. I wanted to understand where He was leading me and why things were so difficult.

Now that I hear His voice, I almost miss the silence. Because in the silence, I could remain hidden. In the silence, I could retreat when others got too near.

No longer. Now I hear Him daily. He is reminding me of my shortcomings in love. He is guiding me to the place He wants me to be, but He promises me that it will be hard and that it will hurt.

I drove through the historic area near our house this evening. The sun had just started to dip, and I watched the houses, remembering the times Brandy and I would walk the streets. I passed by houses that had been placed for sale and then sold while we lived in our house. I even drove past a house we considered purchasing two years ago.

It was a foreclosure. There was need of much work. I didn't like the paint on the walls. I decided I wanted a house that was already remodeled. I wanted to do as little work as I could.

God is using that desire now. He is nudging me and reminding me that taking the "easy way out" is very rarely easy. It often leads to even more work later on down the line.

I wonder where my husband and I would be had I not insisted on taking the "easy way out." What if we had not purchased this house? What if we chose a house in need of remodeling and several coats of paint?

The house we are in now has a new kitchen. The electrical wiring was partially updated and so was the plumbing. The hardwood floors were refinished, and the walls were painted a cream color. A new central heating and air system was installed.

But there is no ceiling insulation. The foundation is crumbling and in need of complete repair. The freshly painted walls now have cracks, and the ceiling has nail pops in it. The house that was already remodeled is falling to pieces because the structure is damaged. The things I deemed important now seem so frivolous, and I feel foolish for ignoring what should have been evident.

Maybe this was God's plan all along. Maybe He destined us for this house so that we could learn from it. Or maybe He saw our choices and allowed us to make them, knowing He would use the heartache and the struggle for our benefit.

Going down the path of "what if's" can be dangerous. So can wondering His plan. And so I am treading lightly. I am asking God to show me how to handle the questions and then what to do with the answers.

It's clear to me that I don't like to do the hard work. Not when it comes to my home or my heart. I enjoy a hard day at work and feeling accomplished with my job. I thrive in a setting where I can problem solve and communicate with others and make a difference in someone else's life. I love watching a plan form and then be put into action, and it fills me with joy when the plan is then executed successfully and results in a happy ending. I even revel in failed plans and then coming up with a new plan. Only when it comes to work.

In my own life, I want the happy ending without the hard work. I want to move effortlessly from Point A to Point B and then possibly skip over Point C for the sole purpose of quickly arriving at Point D.

God's way often does not allow me to move effortlessly. He wants the happy ending, yes, but demands the hard work first. He's making that clear to me now, and I know I will not be able to turn my back to His whisperings as I have in the past.

(title from "beautiful things" by gungor)