I'm Coming Back. Ever so slowly.

I'm coming back to the blog world. Ever so slowly.

Truly, I never really left. I just walked away from this space in the hopes of redefining myself in another space. In other words... I got scared and I ran. Which I'm really quite good at it. Except I have two bum knees and can't run so fast.

After several months, God caught up with me. I rested. And now, all of a sudden, I can't shake this ever present feeling that I need to write. That even though I am busy and filled to the brim and not quite sure what is going on in my own life half of the time.... I need to write.

So here I am.

Except I'm first going to post the heartfelt posts I originally wrote on the blog I ran away to (Not Quite Qualified) and then start with some new musings and writings. GULP. I hope you'll stick around. And I hope my words will no longer stick in my throat, my heart, my stomach, really anywhere but on the pages they are meant to fill - both literally and figuratively.

A lot has changed over the past almost eight months but a lot is also the same.

----

I Don't Know How You Do It (originally posted on March 7, 2014) at http://notquitequalified.net

"I don't know how you do it."

Those seven words are often uttered with a mixture of awe, confusion, frustration, and slight judgement. Whether people mean for those words to come out in such a way is an entirely different matter. I can not speak for another person. I can only share how I feel on the receiving end of the words.

I'm no different than anyone else. Truly. I struggle just as much (if not more) than other people. I have my good days, and I have my bad days. There are times when I get everything done, and there are more times when it feels as though every aspect of my life is crashing down. More often than not, it feels as though my body is under water and my head is slipping beneath the waves - my arms and legs too sore and worn out from treading water for so long to be able to hold me up above the surface for even just a second more.

They say that in our weaknesses He (meaning Jesus) is strong. I can't argue against what they say because I know it to be true. But often I can't see his strength as I am too busy holding onto my own.

The thing is that I am good at balancing multiple tasks. I tend to thrive when I'm busy, overwhelmed, under pressure, and all too scattered. During the moments of silence and solitude, I struggle to get anything done. But what I'm finding now is that this thriving is slowly giving way to (what I feel is) failing.

I can't keep my head above water much longer. But I'm not so tired that I'm read to see just how strong Jesus is.

Maybe it's a woman thing. It could be a social worker thing. Or possibly a foster parent thing. Either way, I am all three.

And no, I don't know how I do it. Most days, I don't feel like I do it. And that it could be anything at all. It's parenting, it's responding to any number of crises in a reasonable amount of time, it's being married (because, yeah, I'm a wife too), it's studying or writing a paper (did I mention I'm in grad school?), it's pretending to wash, fold, and put away the neverending amounts of laundry, it's cooking a somewhat healthy dinner.

In my weakness, He is made strong. You would think I'd be about ready to fully realize the truth of that often overused statement. You would also think that my arms would be chiseled to near perfection (my thighs, stomach, and butt too) from all the treading of water. But you'd be wrong there, too.

For whatever reason, I am here in this stage of life. It's a stage of life that makes absolutely no sense. A stage of life that leaves me speechless and overwhelmed on a daily basis. A stage of life that constantly results in me whispering "oh my" and looking around in the hopes of understanding at least some of the craziness that makes up my reality.

The only thing I know is that I have been called. I have been called to the frontlines of the orphan crisis. I have been placed in the positions I hold. Even on my worst days (and those seem to be increasing in number), God has decided that I am one of the ones He has sent. And while it's more than tempting to turn around and run the other way (or to just go to Mexico and peace out with a margarita for forever), I'm staying where God has placed me and praying that He might provide me with clarity and knowledge that supersedes anything I could possibly hope to create.

God does not call the qualified. Instead, He qualifies the called. I am the ever changing proof of the truth in those statements as I am not qualified for any of the roles in my life.

Welcome to the insanity, the craziness, the neverending questions. Welcome to learning that I can't do it. Welcome to my accepting of the call in the hopes of becoming maybe the tiniest qualified.

Just As Lost As the Next Girl

18 days ago we went from a "family of four" to a family of two. After three months of being foster parents, my husband and I went back to just being husband and wife.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of questions. A bit of anger. Some relief (though I hate to admit that). More tears. And more questions. The why's behind our sudden change back to a family of two aren't really that important. At least not when it comes to sharing my story. The why's are important. But the why's will not make themselves known.

I've found myself second guessing a lot over the past 18 days. I've found myself placing all the blame on myself. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I should really learn how not to say stupid things. I should have been gentler. If only I could have been more present. How could it have been so hard when we felt like it was the right step for our family? I probably didn't pray enough or trust God enough. I leaned on my own strength too much.

Those thoughts alone are enough to drive me crazy. And then you add graduate school for social work plus a job in the field of social work, and I'm a big bag of crazy still - 18 days later.

I have peace, though. A peace that truly surpasses all understanding because try as I might I simply can not understand why I'm okay with all this (as okay as I can be) when I feel like so many things should have been handled differently.

We took a family vacation in August. A seven-day trip to Michigan. We left behind the humidity of Oklahoma, (most of) the stress of work, and we replaced it with a cool breeze and a chance to simply breathe. My husband and I both remarked how much of a family we felt while on that trip. I think that made the sudden loss sting even more.

There was a part of me on that trip that wanted it to be just the two of us. There was a part of me that wanted it to be just the two of us a lot. Not because I didn't like having a family of four but because I had no idea what I was doing. And because of a lot of circumstances. It was harder - those three months - than anything I've ever done, but it was also so rewarding.

We're taking a break right now. I'm in my first semester of graduate school. My husband is working rather consistent overtime. We're both still exhausted from the last three months. So rather than jump back into a family of four, we're taking a break and praying.

I feel selfish for taking a break. There are well over 10,000 children in Oklahoma's foster care system, and instead of rushing to their rescue, I am taking a break. I'm denying placements because of a lack of child care and because of hurt and exhaustion. And so I feel selfish and guilty.

But I know I'm not those things in this instance. (I'm those things plenty of other times though!) Because it's not that we don't want to open up our home. Rather it's that we need to let God repair our hearts and fill us with more strength.

I love my husband more now. I loved watching him parent. I loved that he was often the voice of reason (though I did not love the fact that I needed a voice of reason). I love his patience, his determination, his selflessness, his resolve to be kind and gracious.

And I'm excited to embark on another adventure in parenting with him - when the time is right. We have another 41 days until we can't take any more time. So as much as I am ready to know, and as much as it pains me to say no to placements, I am going to take however long we need and wait for direction only God can give us.

just passing through

We celebrated a very special birthday of a very special child this weekend. It was a few weeks late, and the party itself was put together at the last minute. (I have a long ways to go in the world of motherhood.) But still it came together beautifully.

One of the hardest things with foster care is the knowledge that the kids you care for, shop for, pray over, and love are never really yours. It could be said that no child is every really yours as there is never a guarantee on what will happen. But this is even more true with foster care.

Knowing they aren't yours, recognizing that they could leave at any time, is terrifying. And heartbreaking. Because for the time they are in your house you do all the things you would do for your "own" child. (And if you don't, then you shouldn't be a foster parent.)

We had a cake for the party. Minimal decorations. A fruit dish, a veggie tray, and Chik-Fil-A nuggets. There were drinks as well, and lots of laughter. It was a combination of friends from church, our family, our kids birth family, and friends from OKDHS. Without the two kids we've been entrusted to care for, many of us had nothing in common.

And yet we all spent just over two hours together at the park. The sun blazed down around us, but we were protected by a pavilion. A nice breeze came off the pond, and we found enough things to do to actually entertain a 2-year-old (and slightly overwhelm her by the amount of gifts she received).

It's hard not to be attached. To not want to interject ourselves as the family. But what I continue to find, mostly by reminding myself and our teenage foster daughter, is that we are here to serve whatever role it is that these two girls need. If that's to be a foster mom only, then that is what we are. If it's to serve a role of NiNi and PopPop, as we do to the 2-year-old, then that is what we are. Our relationships and purpose are not clear. And that's okay - so long as both girls can look back at this point in time and know they were fiercely loved, fiercely protected, and put first.

Every person deserves those things. I would say every child, but I am learning, more and more, that the teenager we have is not a child but a young woman. And it is my job to ensure she has all the tools she needs to continue a successful life long after my direct presence in her life has disappeared.

It's hard to be in this position. To sometimes be the most hated person in the room. But it is also worth it when I catch glimpses of smiles, when I hear the way a 2-year-old stakes her claim on me as "my {her} NiNi," when I watch our family touch others with our story, and when I realize that by laying myself down I am opening up a whole new world and creating a life for myself.

My entire life is overcome with a need to care for the orphaned and the fatherless. And while exhausting, I simply can not see any other way. I want every birth mother, birth father, adoptive mother, adoptive father, foster mother, and foster father (as well as all the other important relationships) to know they matter. Because we all do matter. And how blessed for a child who was once fatherless to all of a sudden have so many people who fiercely love them.

when you're weak

while in houston ... not while recovering

My mom drove me to my first post operative appointment this morning. I was hopeful that after the appointment I would feel ready to go back to work and armed with a brace that would allow me to bend my knee.

Instead, I walked out of the appointment in tears and wearing a new brace that allows me to bend my knee up to 30 degrees. Except it hurt to bend my knee and scared me.

My mom told me all day how well I was doing and to focus on the small things. Because those small things will lead to bigger things. She also told me to be patient. That it will take time, that it will hurt, but that I will get there and will be stronger at the end of this journey.

It's taken me a few hours to see that she is right, but I am getting there. Currently, I am seated on the couch. It's the first time really since coming home from surgery on Friday that I've sat on the couch instead of lying on the couch. And my knee is bent at about 30 degrees.

I don't know when I'll feel close to myself again. Hopefully in the next three weeks. I've got physical therapy to start. It's a long road - longer I think than I realized - but I will get there.

During this time, I know God will be at work. I'll be leaning on Him and trusting in Him more than ever. I don't really have a choice. I can't white knuckle my way through this or depend solely on myself. I need help. And I need to let people help me. I also need to ask for help.

More than anything, I hate asking for help.

It doesn't matter what it is. Even the smallest things like someone holding the door open for me. Or someone helping me carry out items to the car. Or someone going to an appointment with me. But those smallest things are the kind of things I will need help with for the next three weeks (and hopefully not any longer).

So I am praying. And remembering that I said I wanted my word for the year 2013 to be faith. That alone reminds me that I have to have just that - faith.

This is a setback, as my mom reminded me today. It is not the end of the world. And it is an opportunity for me to trust in Him rather than focusing on the things I can see. As hard as this it, it's such a wonderful reminder to know He is there.

He met me while driving back from the orthopedic surgeon and then the department of public safety where I picked up my handicap sticker. I opened my YouVersion Bible to start reading the Soul Detox Plan from SheReadsTruth. The first two verses were exactly what I needed.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2

God has this. He will see us through all of it and knows how we will navigate the details. He will also provide me with the strength I need. And when I don't have the strength, I have prayer, my husband to cuddle with, dogs to give me kisses, and a mom who knows exactly what I need to hear.

(title from "hold on" by phil wickham)

this n that thursday (link up)

This: I go back to work today. I enjoy what I do for a living, but I really enjoyed having just over a week off. It's incredibly hard to go back to work. I am thankful that this week and next week will be short weeks; easing myself back into work will help.

That: We had a total of four Christmas celebrations this year. One with my parents the Saturday before Christmas. One with my husband's extended family on Christmas Eve. One with just my husband on Christmas Day. And one with my in-laws the day after Christmas. We also went to church with friends on Christmas Eve. This year was probably my favorite married Christmas so far.

This: I feel so much more grown up now that we are in this house. Part of it is because my parents and my husband's parents are treating us more like grown-ups. My parents brought antiques and pictures from their house along with Christmas decorations for me to have. I get a piece of home here in my home from now on. Having support on this big purchase, and being treated more like an adult, makes this next chapter of our lives all the more real.

That: I am going to be an aunt this summer! And on Friday, we should learn if it will be a girl or a boy. I am pulling for a girl. I think my husband is pulling for a boy because then there won't be quite as many cute clothes and such to buy. Not knowing the gender didn't stop me from buying things for Christmas, though.

This: I am doing my best to get back on the healthy weight loss train starting today. It is so easy to get off course but so hard to get back on course. I need to remember my why's and also think about how much better I will feel and look once I finish losing the weight. I also need to remember how much healthier I will be once I finish losing the weight.

That: I think I outdid myself this Christmas. I always like to say I can't cook, but I truly can no longer say that. This Christmas I made the following: a roasted turkey (with my mom's help -- she did the majority of it but I was there), roasted brussels sprouts with dried cranberries and balsamic vinegar, my Nana's potatoes, roasted butternut squash with moroccan spices, and rolls. I also baked the following: double dutch chocolate cookies, two cheesecakes, carrot cake, and mini apple pies. We also ate leftover stuffing and mashed potatoes on Christmas Day thanks to my mom's cooking.

This: There was an ice storm in Oklahoma City over Christmas. Most of it has melted now, but I am still nervous about getting into my car and driving to work. I do not do well with snow or ice on the roadways - especially since the side streets and neighborhood streets do not get plowed or salted. Most of it has melted, but I am still nervous. I might be waiting until the sun has been out for a little while to head to work. Also I think I need an SUV; driving a small car makes driving a tad bit scarier.

That: It feels so good to be back to blogging. I miss it when I'm away. Now to tackle the hundreds of unread posts on my Google Reader...

I'm linking up with with Jena from Recently Roached and Katie from Katie Did What today!

thankful thursday (link up)

1. The Holidays. I have not always been the biggest fan of the holiday season, but this year, I am (finally!). Maybe it is because we will soon be in our own house and hosting Christmas. Or maybe I've just finally grown up and re-recognized the wonder that is the holiday season. I can not wait to hang the stockings I bought or decorate a Christmas tree or hang the wreath I made (and make a few more!).

2. My very own kitchen. It's not done in these pictures, but it should be close to done in real life now. Imagine black appliances and granite countertops with a travertine backsplash. I'm so ready to be able to cook in my own kitchen. I'm scouring pinterest for wonderful holiday recipes. I have Christmas and New Years to plan for! Last night I even dreamed about what I would cook in the oven and what I would make in the Crock Pot.
3. My family. My parents live in Texas, so I don't see them nearly as often as I would like. But they are always just a phone call away. Yesterday, my mom gave me tips about what red wine to pair with Thanksgiving Day dinner. My Nana also lives in Texas, but she is forever a source of inspiration for me. I know that if I ever need anything I can and will call her.  I am also thankful for my aunt, my uncle, and my cousins who are sprinkled across the west side of the country. And my grandparents who live in Florida during the winter months and then Michigan during the summer months. I have learned so much from every member of my family, and I wish more than anything that I could see them more often.
4. Our almost finished house. I have listed this before but have to mention it again. It is mind blowing that the house being built is where we will soon call home. It isn't our ultimate dream house... I mean - we can't afford the mansion I want just yet (maybe ever). But it is going to have space to grow, room to entertain, and will provide a place for others to come and stay and be entertained. And it is in a safe area. While I was there visiting Tuesday night, I saw families walking dogs and riding bikes. I met neighbors. And I fell even more in love with where we will call home.

5. Our two dogs. They drive me crazy with how they wake up every morning at 6am. And how they jump off and on and off and on the bed to make sure I am up too. They are stubborn, spoiled and do not like to listen. They sit on the couch and sleep in bed with us and think our house is really their house that they rent out to us. But they are ours and they make our family complete. They cuddle with me when I am sick and lick my face because they are so happy to see me. And they love me on my worst days and make me want to be a better person.
6. New clothes. There is just something about wearing a new outfit that brightens my day. And there is something about shopping that reminds me of how far I have come and how excited I am to continue my journey. I don't think material possessions are the ultimate. I know they aren't. But little presents for myself are so nice.
7. Casual date nights with my husband. I love getting dressed up and going out, but sometimes a quick dinner out (last night for pho) and then a movie at home are even better. Especially since we can then go to bed early.. like the old married couple we are.
8. Four day weekends. I know some of this weekend will be busy. We have a family dinner this afternoon and then visiting friends afterwards. But it's still four days away from the daily grind. I am planning on crafting, watching lots of Rules of Engagement on Netflix and not worrying about anything work related (determined not to check my work email at all this weekend). It's going to be glorious.

i'll return when it's time

Christmas started on Friday evening. We gathered with Justin's family, on his mom's side, and enjoyed an evening of food, conversation, dirty Santa and catching up with people we had not seen in a year. It's a tradition they've had since before Justin was born, and usually occurs on Christmas Eve. With Christmas on a Sunday this year, his grandmother wanted to make it to church Sunday morning.

One of the traditions I had growing up was attending church on Christmas Eve. The Christmas story was told, and the night would end with singing "Silent Night" by candelight.

Our church held service on Christmas Eve. There wasn't candle light, but there was singing and the sharing of the Christmas story. It was a night that reminded me, again, of what Christmas means to me. It was a night that we walked away from and felt cautiously optimistic.

Many people, myself included, make resolutions the very first day of the new year. But this year, Christmas marked the start of the new year for me. Christmas spoke to me. It reminded me that life starts over every year. It reminded me that some years will be more difficult than others, but there is always a new year coming. And that new year always comes with the promise of hope and love.

I'm choosing hope now. As scary as it is to be optimistic about the upcoming year, I feel that things will change. So much has already been set in motion.

And so, after the Christmas Eve service, I felt lighter than I had in weeks. Christmas itself might not have gone exactly the way I wanted it to - we didn't make it to a Christmas movie - but it was a beautiful and wonderful weekend.

We were so blessed this year by our friends and family. Not just in the way of gifts but in the way of thoughtfulness and in the way of hope and in the way of love.

Many of the gifts we received were gifts we had been wanting and needing, and they're gifts that will continue to give. A 17-piece stainless steel cook set. A beautiful mustard yellow stock pot. A new knife set. An indoor grill/griddle combo. Cookbooks. The chance to dress my kitchen and open my front door to guests.

So much has recently been set in motion. The possibility of extra income. Reconnecting with old friends. The beginnings of a new novel. The decision to pursue others and my dreams. Letting go of many things and opening myself to whatever awaits me this upcoming year. Trusting that God truly does know what is best and reminding myself that I can lean into His plans without fear.

That's what Christmas has been. The day itself as well as the days that proceeded it and the days that came after.

I head back into the real world of work tomorrow. And while I would much rather remain in this land of no work and Christmas, I know that when I head back I will do so with renewed energy, rediscovered hope, and a clean house.

(title from "you've got growin' up to do" by joshua radin)

there really ain't nothing wrong

There was a time when I loved Christmas. I anticipated running down the stairs and seeing the presents overflowing into the hallway and the living room. My alarm would be set for exactly five minutes before I was allowed to wake my parents and my Nana. We would eat breakfast, sip coffee (once I was old enough and with lots of creamer), and then dive into presents.

My dad was Santa. He would wear a cowboy-esque hat that read "ho ho ho" on it. My brother and I were responsible for handing out the presents to open. And after the living room overflowed with wrapping paper, cards, toys, clothes, and other presents, my mom would set about cooking a delicious dinner.

There were other traditions, too. How we trimmed the tree. What presents we opened on Christmas Eve. Going to church as a family and looking for Santa Clause in the sky.

Being married changes the holidays. It's been four years since I spent Christmas is Texas, pretending to be cold as we sat by the fire. My life collided with my husband's life. And even though my family is hours away, we're lucky enough to be close to his family and be able to celebrate with them.

But it's still hard. For me and for him. Probably for our families too. Because it's not that I don't love my in-laws - I really do (in fact I am amazed by just how lucky we are to have the families we do), but I miss my family and all the things we did for years and years.

So it's balancing act. Because my husband has his traditions too. And we're trying to have traditions for just our family.

One of our traditions, started just last year, is not buying presents for one another. We get so much from our families that it seems almost wasteful to buy presents for one another. So instead, we buy presents for children who need them.

There are over 8000 children in foster care in the state of Oklahoma. And all those children need and deserve Christmas presents. So this year, we did just as we had in 2010, and bought presents for children instead of for each other.

I can't say its easy. There is a part of me that would prefer to spend money on myself or on my husband. But that's not the reason for Christmas. And to think that one gift could light up a child's face on Christmas seems so much more important.

I got to attend a party thrown by a local bank. The bank was a donation site for the Christmas presents, and my heart was filled with joy, probably for the first time this season, when I saw how many presents were under the tree at the party. Especially considering the fact that I knew there would be even more presents delivered before Christmas.

In the future, I hope to have children at our home for Christmas. And my hope is to be able to care for those children who need a stable home until they can go back to their families. If they aren't able to return to their families, my hope is to invite them into ours and to their forever family (if you want to know what a forever family is, please watch this and be prepared to tear up).

The thing about giving gifts for children in foster care is that you will never know who receives the presents or how much they light up. I had the chance once, when I was a social worker, to watch three children open their gifts. I think of that day every year. Their smiles were brighter than any I had ever seen. Remembering that day, remembering those children, it helps me to hold onto the tiniest bit of Christmas spirit.

But I also feel like I am not doing enough. I have such a huge desire to open my home and bring in children and families and to do all these things I have hope to do. Now is not the time, though. There will be a time, sometime in the future, but now is not it.

So I will continue to give gifts for Christmas to the children in foster care. And we will continue on our other traditions - like goingattempting to go to a movie on Christmas Day just the two of us.

Since Christmas is on a Sunday this year, our church is holding service on 5:30pm on Christmas Eve. And while my parents will be in Texas and I will be in Oklahoma, I'll be able to continue a tradition of attending church on Christmas Eve and maybe spotting Rudolph pulling Santa's sleigh.

I've realized, too, what is important about Christmas. It's not about the gifts or playing Santa Clause. It's about who I spend the time with. It's about remembering the reason for Christmas - for me. It's about looking back at the year with a thankful heart and then looking forward to the next year with a hopeful heart.

I mentioned weeks ago my hope to be in a better spirit this year for the holidays, and I've failed. I've spent more time crying and sad and frustrated than happy. The season is almost over now, but I can spend the next days happy and thankful and celebrating the family I have, the life I have, and the reason for the season.

So from our family of four to you (wherever you might be this season), Merry Christmas, and I hope that you are able to join me in finding the spirit of Christmas and the reason for the season.

(title from "why do i" by joe purdy)

the time is right

I wanted to quit Thursday. I blamed it on the fact that there was a different instructor for zumba and on the fact that I couldn't quite get into the zone on the rowing machine or on the bicycle. But placing blame on anything other than myself is futile. It's up to me to make a workout into what I need and want it to be.

Still, I was beyond discouraged. I had done so well sticking to my exercise goals. I didn't want to let go of those goals. But what I quickly learned was that it was my body telling me it needed something other than what I fed it.

The morning started with McDonald's Egg McMuffin and a non-fat caramel mocha. It was the second morning in a row for to me to eat and drink those calories for breakfast. I blamed it on the fact that we were out of eggs at our house and said I was out of time. But it was my choice to wait in the drive-thru and pay for breakfast rather than eating greek yogurt for breakfast and not for a mid-day snack.

I felt like my eating had been under control. I felt like I was making better choices. And I was. Only my better choices were better than what I had made months ago when I might have splurged on two Egg McMuffins.

There's a quote by Jillian Michaels that says "The past doesn't define you, your present does. It's okay to create a vision of the future because it affects your behavior in the "now," but don't dwell on past mistakes. Learn from them and focus those lessons in the moment. That’s where change can really happen."

While I've learned to let go of the past, I am still holding onto the thought process of what I am doing now is much better than what I've done in the past so the weight should just be falling off. After all, I completed a total of nine work outs between Monday morning and Friday afternoon; that should be enough.

But it's not enough. Because how I fuel my body impacts how I work out and how I feel at the end of the day.

So while I wanted to quit, I chose to keep going. I made better choices for lunch the rest of the week. I rushed home and made a healthy dinner for my husband on Thursday, and then I headed to the gym for circuit training with a personal trainer.

 

a combined 815 calories burned.

I, honestly, do not think I have worked out as hard as I did that afternoon. With someone watching me, telling me how to complete the reps and making sure I kept my heart rate up the whole time, I finished the 30-minutes of circuit training with sweat dripping down my forehead and soaking my back. My legs felt like Jell-O, and I felt accomplished.

I planned to head home but instead went to another class which focused on abs and the back. By the end of the hour long work out, I felt rejuvenated and refreshed. The evening work out surpassed my expectations and made up for the lunch work out that was not.

I no longer wanted to quit. Instead, I wanted to keep going (and going).

Friday morning I had every intention of jumping out of bed at 5:15 and heading to the gym. I wanted to spend time running and walking on the treadmill. I wanted the sweat and achy legs every good morning should start with. But my legs still felt like Jell-O when I woke up. My shoulders and triceps ached. My nose was stuffy. And my body told me it needed more rest.

Maybe it was the fact that I stayed up too late watching Tuesday's episode of The Biggest Loser on my DVR. Or maybe it was that I ate too much ice cream (sugar free!) last night while watching The Biggest Loser. It could have been that after eight work outs in four days my body was just plain exhausted. So I listened. And I cuddled up with the dogs and fell back asleep for another 90 minutes.

When I woke up, I felt refreshed. My legs were a bit more firm, and I was ready to tackle the day. I promised myself that I would make good choices. I promised myself that I would succeed, and I did. I focused on what I ate and how much I ate. I pushed myself at the gym during spin class. I drank nothing but water - including when we went out for dinner.

Most of the weekend was a success as well. I completed over 50 minutes of cardio on Saturday morning. I recognized the bad choices I made (finishing off the sugar free mint chocolate chip ice cream) and promised myself that I would keep from making those same bad choices again. And I decided on a plan to prevent future excursions into the ice cream container - not buying ice cream unless it is already in an individual serving. I ate sushi and drank lots of water before going to the Taylor Swift concert. I allowed myself to take a day off from exercise, allowing my body to heal some, and rewarded my hard work with new workout clothes and two books.

And then I took a picture of myself in my new workout clothes and started to see what others have been telling me that they saw - change.

Comparing my current state of mind now to the state of mind I had on Thursday isn't something I can really do. Because I don't want to return to where I was on Thursday; I want to recognize my current successes and remind myself that I am capable of doing this. And I want to move forward.

So I will.

I will allow myself days off when I need them. I will reward myself with healthy rewards (IE: anything but food). I will take time to see my successes, point them out to other people (which I did with my husband), and remember that there are more successes to come. And when I stumble? Because I will stumble. I will pick myself back up and never give up; I will take the responsibility I need to and then move forward.

(title from "you are here" by needtobreathe)

this weekend...

Our actual anniversary was on Tuesday night, and we spent time eating pizza and then with our community group. On Friday night, my husband made reservations at a Japanese Steakhouse, and we dressed up to celebrate our anniversary.

I found myself confused on what to eat. Steak and lobster? Just steak? Just sushi? I decided on a combination of steak and sushi, and so I started with a Lady Love Roll. I also drank a large Sapproro.

With the sushi gone, we settled in to watch the chef prepare our main courses. We also moved away from the table to protect our eyebrows from being singed.

And then we ate (and ate and ate) freshly cooked steak and shrimp. There was also delicious fried rice to be enjoyed. We finished the night with a piece of anniversary cake on the house.
 At the end of Friday night, we settled in to watch "Felicity" on Netflix Instant. WeI continued to watch the show on Saturday as I set about sweeping and dusting the house. There was a break for errands to be run, and then I came back home for more "Felicity" and more cleaning. As I started the final episode for the day, the rest of my family decided to take a nap. With them sound asleep, I left the house for my final errands.
 With the house clean and flowers on the table, we were ready for friends to come over for a night of dinner and laughter.

Within thirty minutes of their arrival, dinner was served. We feasted on garlic bread, caesar salad, and spaghetti with meatballs. We also consumed a few glasses of wine and a bottle or two of beer.
 With full stomachs, we left the dinner table and then moved onto the game portion of the night. There was Playstation Move to be played before we all agreed on playing the never-opened game of Loaded Questions.

It was a much-needed night with two friends Justin went to college with. Two friends who started dating at the exact same time Justin and I started dating. He was with Justin when Justin purchased my engagement ring.

The questions in the game were a mixture of ones that made us laugh and ones that made us think. My favorite question was "what would you name a song written about your true love?" Justin responded: She Be Makin' No Sense. Mine was: Overanalytical Believer.

Dessert was homemade organic brownies and either vanilla ice cream or mint chocolate chip ice cream. I chose vanilla and also had another glass of wine.
We spent Sunday in a similar fashion to last week. It started with sleeping in until 8am and then there was worship and a great sermon. We followed it up with lunch with my in-laws before I came home and claimed the couch and television for more "Felicity." We also cuddled with our dogs and watched them wrestle on the floor.
For dinner, we joined my mother-in-law and father-in-law for onion burgers at a new local restaurant. It was a nice change of pace and also nice to not cook after doing enough dishes to last me at least a week.

I plan to rest for the remainder of the night. There is laundry to put away, but the rest of the house is clean. Monday will come quicker than any of us would like, but I am extremely excited for the week. I feel like God has huge plans in store; I just need to get out of the way and let Him do His thing.