this weekend...

Our actual anniversary was on Tuesday night, and we spent time eating pizza and then with our community group. On Friday night, my husband made reservations at a Japanese Steakhouse, and we dressed up to celebrate our anniversary.

I found myself confused on what to eat. Steak and lobster? Just steak? Just sushi? I decided on a combination of steak and sushi, and so I started with a Lady Love Roll. I also drank a large Sapproro.

With the sushi gone, we settled in to watch the chef prepare our main courses. We also moved away from the table to protect our eyebrows from being singed.

And then we ate (and ate and ate) freshly cooked steak and shrimp. There was also delicious fried rice to be enjoyed. We finished the night with a piece of anniversary cake on the house.
 At the end of Friday night, we settled in to watch "Felicity" on Netflix Instant. WeI continued to watch the show on Saturday as I set about sweeping and dusting the house. There was a break for errands to be run, and then I came back home for more "Felicity" and more cleaning. As I started the final episode for the day, the rest of my family decided to take a nap. With them sound asleep, I left the house for my final errands.
 With the house clean and flowers on the table, we were ready for friends to come over for a night of dinner and laughter.

Within thirty minutes of their arrival, dinner was served. We feasted on garlic bread, caesar salad, and spaghetti with meatballs. We also consumed a few glasses of wine and a bottle or two of beer.
 With full stomachs, we left the dinner table and then moved onto the game portion of the night. There was Playstation Move to be played before we all agreed on playing the never-opened game of Loaded Questions.

It was a much-needed night with two friends Justin went to college with. Two friends who started dating at the exact same time Justin and I started dating. He was with Justin when Justin purchased my engagement ring.

The questions in the game were a mixture of ones that made us laugh and ones that made us think. My favorite question was "what would you name a song written about your true love?" Justin responded: She Be Makin' No Sense. Mine was: Overanalytical Believer.

Dessert was homemade organic brownies and either vanilla ice cream or mint chocolate chip ice cream. I chose vanilla and also had another glass of wine.
We spent Sunday in a similar fashion to last week. It started with sleeping in until 8am and then there was worship and a great sermon. We followed it up with lunch with my in-laws before I came home and claimed the couch and television for more "Felicity." We also cuddled with our dogs and watched them wrestle on the floor.
For dinner, we joined my mother-in-law and father-in-law for onion burgers at a new local restaurant. It was a nice change of pace and also nice to not cook after doing enough dishes to last me at least a week.

I plan to rest for the remainder of the night. There is laundry to put away, but the rest of the house is clean. Monday will come quicker than any of us would like, but I am extremely excited for the week. I feel like God has huge plans in store; I just need to get out of the way and let Him do His thing.

a common fear

I had a moment last week. It happened after a morning meeting. Loaded with papers to hand out to co-workers regarding the United Way Drive, I felt content. And joy. And I realized that the things that frustrate me are things I can change.

I started to write about it. I started to document my desire to find joy in the moments of my current life. But then a few things happened, and I stopped. I didn't stop because I no longer wants to find joy. I stopped because all of a sudden I was being pulled in several different directions. There were endless possibilities, and I felt that I would be a liar and a fraud to write about contentment with where I was in life is I was also considering other possibilities.

And so I took a much needed break. Instead of looking at everything as a possible post, I spent time being quiet. Instead of wondering about every Bible verse I saw on twitter or received in my Inbox (and thinking it applied directly to whatever circumstance I wanted it to), I spent time praying over the verses and time re-reading our nightly devotionals. Instead of fitting the words into my life, I allowed the words to speak to the places they needed to speak to.

It sounds a little silly and strange. But it was what I needed.

I also took a much needed break from counting every single calorie. And I took a much needed break of rushing to the gym at lunch and also after work. I changed my priorities from being solely about me and placed them back on other people.

I'm finding a balance. It's a balance of putting myself first but of also not forgetting to serve others. It's a balance of finding joy in my life but also seeking out other avenues. It's a balance of being content but not becoming comfortable. It's a balance of praying for specific things but also listening to hear what God's plan is.

I've always been aware that He has a plan. But being a planner myself, I often think my plan is His plan. Sometimes it might be. Other times it might not be. And while I have said (to myself and to others), that I trust Him and will follow His plan... I really think to myself "but I know what His plan is, so things will happen this way..."

There has not been a time when I have not been aware of this trait. I've always known that I take things and spin them into what I want them to be. I judge the situation and overthink everything until I am convinced that I know how things will go. When things don't go the way I planned, I crumble and wonder why.

And the reason? I think it is to break me, in a beautiful way, so that I let go of my desires when they don't line up with His.

This goes along with every aspect of my life. Friendships, marriage, even weight loss. Every aspect of my life is a reflection of Him, and so, as difficult as it is, I have to let go of every aspect of my life and allow Him to determine it's course.

On top of letting go of control, I've also realized that the story that is my life, while full in many ways, could be even better.

Several months ago, I read A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller for the second time. The first time I read the book I devoured the words. The second time I took my time and ran a highlighter through the words that spoke most to my heart. And I was determined to live a better story.

I think I did - for a time. But then I got tired. And life got hard. And I forgot that struggle is what makes a good story. Until yesterday, when I was reminded of the words and of the fact that I have the chance to make my life what I want it to be.

I needed that reminder. I probably need a reminder like that once a month (or maybe once a week).

I don't know what my story looks like. I don't know where to spend my time. I don't know what to give my heart to or where God wants me to use my talents. Sometimes I wonder what my talents are as well as what my gifts are. But I do know that my story is to be more than what I've made it out to be.

I also know that by living a better life I will feel more joy and maybe more contentment. And by living a better story, I will let go of my plans and my judgements - allowing God to be the one in control of it all.

Here's the truth about telling stories with you life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you are going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it. It's like writing a books, and it's like that with life. People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain. - A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller

(title from "in your hands" by bebo norman)

this weekend....

I arrived at the Oklahoma City Zoo before 7am on Saturday.

And walked three miles around the zoo - seeing zebras and other animals. 

The purpose was to raise awareness and prevent suicide, as well as to remember those who have been lost. And I rediscovered a passion to be there for people.

I spent Saturday afternoon napping on the couch with two of my favorite dogs. Brandy is pictured here.. 

We tried a new local restaurant on Saturday, and I ate the bison burger. It was delicious.

Sitting outside, we enjoyed the grey sky, cool air, and city we live in. I felt grateful and hopeful for living where we do.

I drank a frozen caramel blend coffee (with whipped cream) and ate a cupcake before taking this picture. They weren't the healthiest choices (something I am struggling with right now), but it was nice to enjoy.

I also enjoyed time with my husband and friends watching a live band at a local coffee shop. It helped that one of our friends was in the band.

On Sunday morning, I didn't set the alarm and lounged in bed, instead of going to the gym, while the dogs chewed on bones. Rascal is pictured here. All he really wants to do is sleep, eat, cuddle, and chew.

I ate frozen yogurt with my mother-in-law. We tried a new shop, and my favorite flavor was the no-sugar added strawberry.

I also purchased new clothes in a smaller size. It's exciting to me to be able to buy smaller clothes even though I get frustrated at how every size is different at every store and with every brand.

We gathered with people from across the city and participated in corporate worship. God reminded me of His presence and made me excited to serve Him and serve this city. He also reminded me (all weekend really) that He is in control. I will daily be saying "I trust You" and asking for guidance instead of going my own way.

And I finished Sunday night with homemade red beans and rice. We ate dinner sitting on the couch surrounded by our dogs - our little family that I so love.. 

My heart is full. So is my stomach. My mind is racing. My hips still ache from the three mile walk (pulled tendon), but I feel ready to tackle the next week and excited to see how God moves in the next few days. He has a purpose and a plan. And His way is always best. I can't wait to stop worrying and allow Him to do His work in me.

for all these epiphanies

I want to be content in my life. In every aspect of my life. My job, finances, our house, my marriage, my friendships. This is something I have prayed for and sought after the past few months. Sometimes whole-heartedly but usually as a means to an end.

If I can be content with where I am, then maybe I will no longer have to be where I am. Maybe I can finally move forward.

Contentment is becoming harder to come by. It seems the more I think about it and the more I pray for it the less I have it.

My thought has been that maybe I'm not supposed to be content. That maybe I am supposed to be discontent until I find where the place I am meant to be. And so I have searched for lots of things that I thought might bring me contentment. All of the searching has done, though, is lead me back to where I started.

I mentioned this to a friend a few nights back. I touched on how frustrated I was and wondered on why I was struggling so much with being content. I even went so far as to ask if she thought my discontentment was because I wasn't supposed to be content where I was. Her response was simple, but it caused me to think on my life in that moment and has continued to make its way into the forefront of my mind since our conversation.

Maybe it's a test. Like when you ask for patience and all of a sudden everything tests every ounce of patience you have. Maybe the same can and should be said for being contentment.

I wanted to brush the notion aside and hold tightly to the thought that I was not meant to be content with where I am. But then I remembered how exhausting it is to focus on everything except for the present. And how it is so easy to miss all the good and wonderful things when concentrating on what comes next instead of on what is in front of you.

There are some things I should be discontent with. There are things I need to work through and past. Those are things like my weight and my eating habits. I should strive for better. I should seek to leave my current state and enter a healthier one.

But there are other things, more numerous things, that I need to be content with. These are the things like money, jobs, and our home.

During my lunch break, I spent time in the pool. I half-hazardly participated in aqua zumba. My muscles were sore from Monday's two workouts, and I was exhausted from a somewhat restless night's sleep. Instead of focusing on how high I kicked my legs or how closely I mimicked the dance moves, I concentrated on conversation with the others in the pool.

picture found here.

We touched briefly on jobs and more deeply on marriages. A woman ten years older than me told me that one day I would look back on my current life. She said I would laugh and wonder how I was ever that stupid or silly. She said my husband and I would reminisce on the decisions we made and ask how we ever ended up where we did. She said she knew this from experience.

It made me realize that I have been so focused on the future that it's impacting my present. I'm not quite sure if the impact is a positive one or a negative one, though.

I don't like to make mistakes. I also prefer for others to not make mistakes. And I am then terribly hard on myself and others when those mistakes were made. And I mean any mistake - not just a large one that results in s car accident or a hefty medical bill of some sort.

It's exhausting to live like that - to want to keep everyone from making mistakes and to feel a need to be so in control of everything that there are no mistakes to be made. It's exhausting to plan all of that out and to then decide on a way to execute the plan.

So maybe my discontentment stems less from the money, the house, and the job. Maybe it stems more from the exhaustion that comes from trying so hard to plan and prepare for every little thing instead of taking life as it comes and riding the waves or powering through the current.

On Sunday night, before turning off the light and maneuvering myself around the dogs, I searched for contentment in the Bible. The first verse I turned to was 1 Timothy 6:6-7. My hope had been for a verse that would detail how I could find contentment. What I got was another reminder that I bring nothing to the table, that everything I have is a gift and that no amount of effort (on my part) will keep life from happening.

As I search for contentment, I hope to move away from discontent and closer to an understanding that no amount of trying (on my part) will ensure that life follows the path I set. As I continue on a journey that has no specific end, I hope to focus more on the events on they occur and less on the end result I want.

And I hope to see the blessings that I have instead of only the blessings I hope to have. Because they are there - waiting for me to take notice - even if I refuse to acknowledge them.

(title from "hold on" by mary beth maziarz)