Just As Lost As the Next Girl

18 days ago we went from a "family of four" to a family of two. After three months of being foster parents, my husband and I went back to just being husband and wife.

There were a lot of tears. A lot of questions. A bit of anger. Some relief (though I hate to admit that). More tears. And more questions. The why's behind our sudden change back to a family of two aren't really that important. At least not when it comes to sharing my story. The why's are important. But the why's will not make themselves known.

I've found myself second guessing a lot over the past 18 days. I've found myself placing all the blame on myself. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I should really learn how not to say stupid things. I should have been gentler. If only I could have been more present. How could it have been so hard when we felt like it was the right step for our family? I probably didn't pray enough or trust God enough. I leaned on my own strength too much.

Those thoughts alone are enough to drive me crazy. And then you add graduate school for social work plus a job in the field of social work, and I'm a big bag of crazy still - 18 days later.

I have peace, though. A peace that truly surpasses all understanding because try as I might I simply can not understand why I'm okay with all this (as okay as I can be) when I feel like so many things should have been handled differently.

We took a family vacation in August. A seven-day trip to Michigan. We left behind the humidity of Oklahoma, (most of) the stress of work, and we replaced it with a cool breeze and a chance to simply breathe. My husband and I both remarked how much of a family we felt while on that trip. I think that made the sudden loss sting even more.

There was a part of me on that trip that wanted it to be just the two of us. There was a part of me that wanted it to be just the two of us a lot. Not because I didn't like having a family of four but because I had no idea what I was doing. And because of a lot of circumstances. It was harder - those three months - than anything I've ever done, but it was also so rewarding.

We're taking a break right now. I'm in my first semester of graduate school. My husband is working rather consistent overtime. We're both still exhausted from the last three months. So rather than jump back into a family of four, we're taking a break and praying.

I feel selfish for taking a break. There are well over 10,000 children in Oklahoma's foster care system, and instead of rushing to their rescue, I am taking a break. I'm denying placements because of a lack of child care and because of hurt and exhaustion. And so I feel selfish and guilty.

But I know I'm not those things in this instance. (I'm those things plenty of other times though!) Because it's not that we don't want to open up our home. Rather it's that we need to let God repair our hearts and fill us with more strength.

I love my husband more now. I loved watching him parent. I loved that he was often the voice of reason (though I did not love the fact that I needed a voice of reason). I love his patience, his determination, his selflessness, his resolve to be kind and gracious.

And I'm excited to embark on another adventure in parenting with him - when the time is right. We have another 41 days until we can't take any more time. So as much as I am ready to know, and as much as it pains me to say no to placements, I am going to take however long we need and wait for direction only God can give us.

i will wait for you

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thanks to the lovely laurie for capturing this photo

When we decided to build a house, we did so knowing that we weren't just building a house. We were building a home. And we knew that home would eventually be filled with children. We also agreed (IE: I decided) that we would wait at least a year to fill said house with children. I wanted to enjoy the house. I wanted to spend time in the house just the two of us.

They say that if you want God to laugh then all you need to do is tell Him your plans. I've made Him laugh a lot in my lifetime. And I know He was rolling on the floor in laughter when I vehemently said no to fostering any earlier. In fact, a year was stretching it for me. I wanted to wait until my age started with a 3.

A lot has happened over the past two months. And needless to say God has utterly ruined my life and my plans. I've had a lot of moments. And a lot of thoughts. And a lot of overwhelmingness. My husband has been a rock through it all, with little to no reaction, because he has just been waiting for me to be ready. For me to stop saying not right now or never going to happen.

We still have a long ways to go. And a lot of paperwork to get through. But hopefully in May we will have a few children in our house.

It's difficult because I won't be able to share a whole lot on the blog. We're planning to foster, and with foster care, there are a lot of rules of what you can and can not post. I know them well, and I know I have to follow them - even if it kills me not to share what is one of the most exciting times of our lives.

Here's what I can say. A situation has presented itself, and we know that now is the time. We've told our parents and our close friends. We've sought prayer and counsel from our church. We've prayed a LOT. And we've discussed the matter with the people this decision affects - the children we plan to bring into our home. And it's real now. All too real.

And I simply can not wait to be able to open our doors and have new additions to our family. They might not be in our home for long, but they will always be a part of our family.

So we need prayer. For my anxious heart because this waiting game is not one I am good at. For direction on how to move forward. For items like a convertible crib, bedding, dressers, high chairs, car seats, etc. For skills to parent.

After these two are gone, there will be more. I'm not sure if the more will come right from foster care for another temporary stay or if we'll look into more permament options. I just now that it's time.

So there you have it. We are parents to be - just not sure when. We are growing our family in the way we feel is right for us. We are listening to the call and burden God had placed on our hearts.

And we are more excited than I ever thought possible.

Have any questions about our decision to foster? Or want to know other ways you can help? Feel free to leave me a comment or send me an email. I'll do my best to answer all questions in a follow-up post (leaving out identifying information of course).

NOTE: This blog will not become a parenting or family blog at this time. I'll be keeping most stories to myself and our close circle to protect the children and our family - even though my heart is already bursting with excitement and a desire to talk about how wonderful these kids are.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford and sons)