how you want it to be

just a few outfits i want from j. crew.

Saturday afternoon, after lunch with my in-laws and frozen yogurt with a friend from church, I headed to the mall. I had a scheduled appointment at the Apple store in hopes of them looking at my MacBook, snapping their fingers, and saying it was fixed.

I walked through the men's section in Dillard's and past Zale's. I also walked past J. Crew and White House Black Market.

As I walked, I looked at the clothes and remembered my dad's promise to me. When I lose the hundred pounds, he will buy me a new wardrobe. It's something he has said before, something I know he means, and while the thought has always excited me, it has never been enough for me to make the change from healthy to unhealthy.

I'm not losing the weight for a new wardrobe. If I were to lose the weight for that reason alone, I would quickly gain it back. In fact, there was a time when I used a whole new wardrobe as an excuse to not lose weight. Because I didn't know how I would afford a new wardrobe. And would it even be worth it? At that time, I had the gift/curse of making everything into an excuse.

I am losing the weight for myself and getting a new wardrobe in the process. I am losing the weight and not worrying about how to afford a new wardrobe. I am losing the weight and remembering that I have family who will support me through everything (in multiple ways).

It's not that I've never been able to shop at stores like J. Crew and White House Black Market. There were a few years when I could have shopped in the stores, and if I think back hard enough, I can recall a few times I stepped into J. Crew and tried on a few items. But I never purchased anything. Maybe it was because I didn't think I would be able to wear the items long enough. Or maybe it because I just couldn't bring myself to pay for clothes from J. Crew.

Walking past the stores on Saturday, I had a feeling that I would shop there. One day. Someday soon.

I still don't know if I will buy anything from J. Crew or White House Black Market. There's no guarantee that their clothes will fit and flatter my (soon-to-be) new figure. But thinking about the possibility of shopping there? It excites me. It reminds me that the soreness I feel from fifty minutes of weight lifting, ten minutes on the stationary bicycle, and an hour of deep water aerobics is worth it.

I have so much joy and excitement right now. About losing weight. I've never felt this way about losing weight, getting healthy, and spending almost ten hours a week exercising. It's always been frustrating and exhausting and something I did almost begrudgingly in the past.

Having this outlook makes all the difference in the world. Knowing that I am doing this for myself, for how I feel, and for what I want (and deserve) out of my list also makes all the difference in the world. There is no room for negativity as I continue this journey. There is no room for anything to stop me from continuing down this path.

Now is my time.

I talked about some of this with a friend over frozen yogurt on Saturday. And I talked about how little things (like my MacBook dying and needing a new hard-drive) seemed to happen as if something was trying to stop me. She told me to look at it differently - to ask how I can see the positive in the situation and to see how God is using those situations to teach me.

She also reminded me that He is overjoyed for me as I continue on this journey. Because this journey? It's so much more than a journey to a new wardrobe or losing 100 pounds. It's about dedication. And hard work. And leaning into God for strength when I don't have any. It's about following through and walking the path He is calling me to.

And so, instead of being annoyed at the new hard-drive I had to buy, I am thankful my parents gave me an external hard drive for my birthday. Almost like they knew something was going to happen. Almost like God provided me a way to save everything from the past five years. I am thankful that we had a way of paying for the new hard drive. I am thankful that all it was was just a new hard drive and that I wasn't told I needed a whole new MacBook.

And so, instead of continuing to be discouraged, I am thankful that I am losing weight the healthy way. I am thankful for the people I see at the gym and at the pool. I am thankful for the people who remind me of how hard this can be and how good I am doing. I am thankful for every success I get to celebrate. I am thankful that there is a healthier and happier life waiting for me...as well as a new wardrobe.

(title from "wait for you" by elliot yamin)