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We were on our way to church. It is our Wednesday night routine now. I was tired and cranky. Still sunburnt from Tuesday's aqua zumba and exhausted from that morning's workout.
"It's a lot to change all at one. To go from nothing to doing so much," he continued.
It is a lot. Sometimes it hits me, like it did last night when my eyes were drooping from exhaustion, and I wonder if I can do it. If it is even worth it. And then a quiet voice tells me I can. Or a loud voice coming from a friend (or a husband - who is also a friend). As much as I don't want to, I need to hear that people see the change and that they are poud; it helps me to remember that I am changing and moving towards the goal I have set.
All of this is about change. It's not just changing my activity level but also changing my nutrition. For me, the working out is a habit that is easy to slip into. It's fun sometimes, too, and comes with perks like new friendships and a tan (thanks to outdoor water classes). But nutrition? Not so much.
Yesterday was a particularly challenging day. No matter how many peaches and strawberries and cucumbers I ae, I could not seem to get full. But I pushed through. I fought against the hunger for as long as I could, but by the time we arrived at the church, I could not fight any longer and the beckoning cheese pizza won.
It's a mistake I hope I never make again. Because I felt sick as soon as I finished. Then, when I arrived home and entered the pizza into the calculator LoseIt provides, I felt even worse. A day of good eating ruined by low willpower and an empty stomach.
I came to work prepared today. Instead of just a cereal bar, I started the day with toasted Sandwich Thins and chunky peanut butter. For a mid-morning snack, I ate a cup and a half of cucumber slices as well as a perfectly ripe peach. There is another peach, ten baby carrotts, and a frozen dinner waiting to see me through the rest of the day.
This is a process. Learning how to eat, following through on healthy choices, making it to the gym at least five days a week (hopefully completing a total of eight workouts a week), and somehow tying everything together for the blog.
There is a part of me that wants to give up. A small part. It's the part that looked in the mirror last night, after the two pieces of pizza, and saw nothing but negative things. Things I don't notice (or choose to ignore) during the times I am being less careful about how I care for myself. It should be opposite. I should see now all the improvements, but I don't. I just see all the areas that need improving.
It's easy to say I want to lose one-hundred pounds total (90 more to go), but it is another thing entirely to actually do it and to not give up. I started this journey aproximately four weeks ago for the upteenth time. Every other time, I have hit a wall and stopped. And I have stopped at just about this point - right when it starts being less exciting and a little more difficult. I've slipped back into the shadows and returned to habits I knew would lead me right back to where I started.
If I am ever quiet, please know I have not given up. I'm probably just asleep on the couch or doing everything I can to stay away from those foods I know will lead to an upset stomach and a possible increase of weight on the scale.
I'm searching for the things that inspire me. Things like blogs and people and television shows. I watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition on Tuesday night (thanks to my DVR) and had goosebumps. She fought and cried and struggled to a weight loss of 160 pounds in a year. She never gave up. She didn't complain. She went after it. Watching her story made me want to go after it even more. And not complain. So here's to hoping the complaints will be few and far between (or non-existant) both on this blog and in my life.
In the midst of all this, I hope you too find the things you are supposed to strive for. Whether it be weight loss or eating out less or sitting down and finishing a story/painting/etc. And I hope we can all meander this journey together.
What do you do when you want to give up? How do you say no to cravings? How do you stay full (both in the hunger sense and in the life sense)? Where do you find your inspiration?
(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)