even on my weakest days

picture found here.

I spent the majority of Saturday afternoon sitting in the Academy of Hair Design. It was the first time in months that I treated myself to a cut and color. And while I wasn't so sure about spending money on the cut and color, I knew I needed to do something for myself.

Several weeks ago, I made a list. On this list, I wrote some of the different things I wanted to. One of them was to get my hair cut. I also want to dye it blonde (again), but the blonde is something that will come after I lose these next 85 pounds.

Walking this path to health is not an easy one. It's quite honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm tired by (and sometimes before) 9pm. My entire body aches some days. And there are times when all I really want to do is throw up my hands and say "forget it" and then eat a cheeseburger from Braum's.

I'm not depriving myself. I've done that before, and I know that deprivation will only lead to a crankier than normal self. I also know that if deprivation leads to weight loss it will also just as quickly lead to weight gain. And so, if I wanted a hamburger, I could (and would) get one. But I know how many calories are in a hamburger. As well as how much grease. And it just is not worth it.

So I am rewarding myself. The big reward will come later. Both in healthiness and in clothes. But until then, there will be little things along the way.

Is it rewarding to hear comments? Yes. I'm blessed to have friends and family who support me and remind me on an almost daily basis that I am doing a good job. And while those words mean so much to me, I still need something else just for myself.

It's easy to get lost within this goal. While I recognize that losing 15 pounds in two months is great, I struggle with feeling like it's not quite enough. I understand that losing weight and getting healthy is a slow process. I also understand it is probably better for my body to lose it more slowly, but I lack patience.

I'm a firm believer that God uses situations as learning experiences. And while I'm not always content with where I am, I also know that He places us in certain places for specific reasons.

Right now, He is using this time to teach me patience. He is also doing His best to teach me how to be content with every aspect of my life. I know I am supposed to recognize that His hand is in everything and that He has a purpose for all the frustrations I experience.

I'm not the best student when it comes to patience and contentment. It's not that I'm completely impatient or discontent as much as I am eager to grow and to change and to continue moving forward. It also has to do with how hard I can be on myself because I expect so much out of myself (too much at times).

It's unfair to myself. It's also unfair to those around me because this desore to always grow and always change and always continue to move forward is exhausting and difficult to keep up with. In the past, I would withhold those rewards until I completed everything to my liking. And in the past, I would eventually fail because the standards I would have set would have been far too high.

So along with patience and contentment, I'm learning how to take care of myself. I'm putting myself first and not solely focusing on what I could be doing better. The thoughts of how I need to improve are still there, yes, but they are overshadowed by the thoughts of just how far I have come.

I think one of the things I am the least patient with is exercise. I want to be able to run three miles right now. I don't want to have to work my way up to running three miles. But when I think about how far I have come, I know I am that much closer to being able to run three miles.

This whole journey started at the end of April with a zumba class. There was one class and then another. And I was exhausted by the forty-five minutes spent is zumba. And now, just two months later, my work-out schedule is so much different.

• Monday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM.
• Tuesday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Wednesday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).
• Thursday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Friday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).

I have a ways to go. 85 pounds to be exact. 10-12 months.

But I am getting there. And I am starting to slowly notice changes. Like a definition in my arms. Less cracking and popping my knees. Diminished headaches. Better sleep.

One day at a time, right?

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)