put me on my feet

picture found here.

This week has been a tough one. I've been under the weather since Sunday evening - fighting off a cold and just barely holding onto my voice. In the past, I would use this sickness as an excuse to not work out. I would decide that it would be better for me to rest every day until I felt better, and then it would be much harder to get back into the habit of working out at least five times a week.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes as I have made in the past. I don't want to stop exercising, even for just a few days, and then find it difficult to get back into the rythm. I understand that being sick can be my body's way of telling me it needs rest, and so I am doing my best to listen and respond appropriately.

This morning, I didn't make it to the gym. I planned to take the entire day off from exercising. With how I felt when I walked out the front door and slid into my car, I thought exercise would be impossible today. Now, with some breakfast in me and medicine, I feel ready to tackle the day and ready to exercise. Thankfully there is a deep water aerobics class today at noon.

It's a constant battle. Waking up in the morning and reminding myself of these lifestlye changes. Remembering that it is for the best. Arguing with myself that I am worth it. And that those comforts I once sought are not comforts at all. They are only things that will hold me back.

I stepped on the scale today and felt defeated. The number was less but only by one pound. I know the process is a slow one. I guess I just didn't expect it to be so painstakingly slow. Working out and making efforts to change how I eat seems like it should help the pounds to drop more quickly. But it doesn't.

Am I discouraged? A little bit yes. But not enough to give up. I don't think this journey would be complete without some discuragement. Because this discouragement should fuel me to try harder. It should serve as a reminded to not give into my tiredness or soreness and settle for meeting macaroni and cheese on the couch when I could take ten minutes to make something healthier.

But I know there will be some days when all I can do is sit on the couch and eat macaroni and cheese. Yesterday was one of those days. Burnt from hours in the pool. Shifting between hot and cold. My voice sounding more hoarse. And I just couldn't find the energy to think about what to eat, so I reached for the food that comforts me (though the kind out of the box does not compare to the homemade variety my mom used to make).

I watched Extreme Body Makeover while I ate. And the irony did not escape me. There were a few times when I put the bowl down and told myself not to eat anymore. But the exhaustion and the need of comfort were stronger than my willpower.

On the other side of the macaroni and cheese, I am frustrated that I gave in so easily. But I also know that I never went over my current alotment of calories. So while it was not the best choice, I at least know that worse decisions could have coincided with the macaroni and cheese - resulting in the day being a complete failure.

I have to be careful to not let comfort win out often. It's something I have always struggled with. When emotional, food (and shopping) is what I turn to. While I have gotten better about not shopping, I still struggle with not pulling out ice cream or making a comforting dinner when things are tough.

And the past few days, while not terrible, have been tough. On top of feeling sick, my MacBook decided to freeze and then turn on with only "the white screen of death." I'm planning to schedule an appointment at the Apple Store this weekend in hopes that they can revive the computer instead of my having to save up the money to purchase a new one.

The little things that go wrong (like being sick or a computer not working) seem more difficult to handle right now. I think it's because I am doing everything I can to make huge changes to my life. And those little things can often be the most discouraging. Almost like something is trying to hold me back from becoming a healthier and happier version of myself. But I am not going to give up. Failure is not an option this time around.

Instead, I am going to focus on the good things. And try not to worry too much about the mistakes I make along the way.

Even though I ate macaroni and cheese for dinner last night, I ate healthy the other meals of the day. And this weekend, when my husband and I packed a suitcase and headed for a night at a hotel (for free!), I also made healthy decisions. The weekends, and evenings, seem to be the most difficult for me to make healthy choices, and I am recognizing this and doing my best to prepare myself with where we might eat so I can look online and make my selection prior to arriving at the restaurant.

The night at hotel came at the perfect time for us. It has been almost two years since I took a vacation with my husband. I've left the state of Oklahoma for days at a time and visited my family in Texas, and he has stayed in Oklahoma to work. Part of it is due to finances but most is due to him not yet having an extended period of time off.
In months, he will have been in his current position for a year, which means he will accrue one-week of vacation time.With time off looming, we have discussed where to go and when to go. There is Texas, of course, and then also Michigan. Five days off and two travel destinations in mind, which means we will have to be creative with how we spend his time off and where.

It was difficult to be gone for one night and make healthy choices. I can't imagine how difficult it might be to be gone for multiple nights and make healthy choices. And then what about exercising?

I want to have goals. One of those goals is to lose 100 pounds. I want to successfully lose 100 pounds by May of 2012. And a new goal, born out of thoughts of vacations that may (or may not) happen, is to become a runner.

Writing this all done is scary. But I think that's the first step. As soon as I put all of this out for the world to read, there is a sense of needing to follow through. I need to not eat macaroni and cheese. I need to not give up. I need to learn how to be a runner.

I know not to get ahead of myself. It's going to take time to lose 100 pounds, and it's going to take time to become a runner. But I will do it. Because I want to. And because I need to.

What do you need to do?

(title from "she is love" by parachute)

1 comment:

  1. we can't expect ourselves to be perfect every single day. otherwise, we are destined to fail ourselves. just do the best you can and allow yourself a little bit of grace every now and then - you are doing great so far!



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