i dreamed your dream for you

The past few weeks have been good and also difficult. Most weeks are just that. I would like to say I know exactly what to do to make every week good and not so difficult, but I'm aware that right now, in this moment, the weeks will continue to be good and also difficult.

I'm stretched so thin these days. There are many times when I think I just can't do all this anymore. And there are times when I stop doing much of it - when I give into the exhaustion and the frustrations and I allow myself to stop working quite so hard. But then I can't stay that way, so I go back to early morning work-outs of squeezing a 30-minute work-out in between jobs.

I have yet to figure out the balancing act. Or the act of eating healthy. It's so hard to say no to a juicy cheeseburger than costs $3.50 at a local diner and say yes to a $8 salad that looks nowhere near as appetizing. And usually I say yes to the cheeseburger and no to the salad - even when I've spent the entire morning (and the night before) preparing myself for the task of ordering a salad.

I've spent a lot of time focusing on the things I haven't done. A lot of time trying to understand what my relationship with food really is and why it is that I go back to the foods that are not good for me. I've also spent a lot of time focusing on just how busy I am and realizing how important my diet is right now when I don't have the time or the energy to spend two hours in the gym every day.

And I am spending a lot of time focusing on where I am in life. On what I am doing every day and the impact it is having. Because every day I am surrounded by need. The need of medical care, the need of parents who care, the need of attention and of structure, the need of an understanding ear, the need of help even when you don't want to ask for help.

Seeing that need all around me is exhausting. It tugs on my heartstrings and makes me wish that I could do more and be more. When something happens and I feel like I didn't do this or that right, it impacts my entire day and then usually the day after that. So I do what only I can and I pray for some sort of guidance. Because I am human and I fail daily. I fail myself and my fight for health. I fail the children I work with. I just fail.

Even with the failure, there is success. There are moments, like last night, where I cuddle a sick child at 10:00pm and press a wet washcloth against their forehead that I am overcome with a sense of purpose. where I am reminded that it is okay to fail because there is always the next day. There are moments when I dance like a crazy person in the middle of the living room with children who don't speak fluent English and for that moment it doesn't matter that I hardly remember how to count to ten in Spanish or how to say the colors. Because the children's laughter and smiles overcomes any boundaries that exist.

And it is because of those moments that I am reminded to continue to fight for myself. It is those moments that allow me the grace to forgive myself for my failures in weight loss and healthy living. Because I remember that I need to be healthy so that I can be there for those late nights of dancing and pressing a washcloth to the forehead of a child sick with fever.

I still don't know how to do it, though. How do I say no to the easy drive-thru meal and instead make something healthy to eat when I spend the free 30 minutes I have at the gym or stuck in traffic. And when I am spending the money to eat out, why is it so hard to spend a few extra dollars on the salad instead of getting a crispy chicken sandwich or cheeseburger?

If I ever get the answers to those questions, I'll pass on the information. Because it is something I will need to hold onto. I need to be forever reminded of how to do this whole living healthy thing.

I never feel great after I eat french fries with my chicken sandwich instead of a side salad. And I always say that next time I will get a salad. But then that next time comes around and again I order french fries instead of the salad.

With each passing week, I feel like I am closer to understanding and closer to a breakthrough. But it is a process and I need to allow that process to happen so that when that breakthrough happens, it will stick and not just fade in a matter of days.

And I need to continue on with where I am. Serving the needs of the people I work with. Recognizing that God has placed me in these positions for a reason. Remembering that one day I won't always have to work so hard. Being thankful for the blessings that are coming from these opportunities - like spending a weekend in the Plano/Frisco area with one of my best friends and like upcoming trips and plans with my husband. And also having the chance to make that difference in a child's life.

(title from "romeo and juliet" by edwin mccain)

a history so deep it hurts to look

picture found here.

We headed east on Saturday. It was mid-morning by the time we were on the road - my husband and I stuffed in the backseat with his brother while my mother and father-in-law sat in the front seat. We were all dressed in a variation of gray and black, prepared to say goodbye to a 94-year-old grandfather.

He passed on Wednesday evening, surrounded by family. We had known the day was coming, but it still is a surprise when someone who has always been there is no longer present.

The trip was two hours there and then another two hours back. It was filled with laughter and talk and the things family road trips should be filled with. There was lunch at Braum's and then snacks with other family members.

The reason for our trip was not lost on any of us, but we all chose to concentrate most on spending time with family and remembering the time we spent with my husband's great-grandfather before he passed.

I knew him for only a few years, but as is the case with the rest of the family, I was immediately a part of his family. Even before our wedding day. And there is something about that kind of love and acceptance that stays with you for years and years to come. I hope and aspire to be the sort of person who welcomes people into my own family regardless of blood.

This was the third funeral I have ever been to. It is a low number, and for that, I am grateful. Funerals provide a time of reflection. Both reflection on that person's life and reflection on your own life.

One of the things brought up during this funeral was a parable, the parable of the eleventh hour.

In it, Jesus talks about how those who believe in Him will receive the same grace and generosity regardless of when they decided to believe. This is crucial to our walk with Him and crucial to life.

It's easy to judge others for their choices and to believe that we are better because of when we made our own personal decision. And it is also easy to say that it is too late. Too late to believe. Too late to correct wrongs. Too late to ask for forgiveness. Too late to live out our dreams.

But it is never too late.

This struck a chord with me. For many reasons. One of the main reasons is that I concentrate on things happening now. I want all things to line up and work out now. I want to understand my life now. I want to have a direction to move towards and then do just that without anything getting in my way. And then if something does get in my way (which it always does because that's life), I stop and think it's too late.

But it is never too late.

So what do I want to do? What are the things that I am striving for but feel it may be too late? There are many.

And what do I feel like will never happen? So many things.

But it's me standing in the way. It's me stopping those things from happening.  Which means that it is time for me to move out of my own way and me to show up. And it seems like the more I realize it the harder it is to actually move out of the way and the easier it is to stay in the way. Because as soon as the first step is taken, more will follow until I am in an all out sprint towards the things I want.

I write about this a lot because it's a process. Just like a road trip involves a series of turns, a series of exits and entrances to the interstate, and a few stops a long the way, life also involves a series of turns and a series of exits and entrances. Sometimes it is monotonous, and sometimes it is exciting. And while it is in so many ways easier to remain still, it's not better; it's so much better to take that first step and then eventually, arrive at your destination. Or, as is my case, destinations.

What is your destination today?

(title from "elements" by a fine frenzy)

i tried but you tried harder

picture found here

Last night, after a dinner of tacos and before falling asleep on the couch at 8:30pm, we talked. And argued. And talked some more.

The plan had been a date night at home. We would have dinner and then watch a movie. My husband even bought popcorn to pop. Instead, we ate dinner and then talked and argued.

I haven't been the easiest person to live with recently. I'm realizing that more and more. I am also starting to get sick of myself, so I can only imagine how sick of me others are. And yet this inner monologue of anger and frustration and neverending questions continues on. 

Some of it came to a head last night. I was trying to explain myself and how I just want something to change. I said that I either wanted to move forward or have everything taken away from me so I could start all over again. And my husband listened and thought and then asked me what would happen if we weren't able to move forward. He wanted to know how I would feel if things were to stay exactly how they were.

The thought terrifies me. I've always been a creature of change. I move on. I go from job to job. I move from apartment to apartment. I even changed colleges after my freshman year. I leave relationships when I want to because it's better than being left. Except now I can't leave. It's not that we have a legal contract with one another. Those are difficult to break but can be broken. But we made promises to each other and before our families. Most importantly, we made a promise to God.

And so, I am here. I am wanting to move on and move forward, but yet, I sit in my same spot on the couch. (Note: I do not want to move from my marriage. I want to move on with my husband.)

I still don't know what to think about the thought of things not changing. I don't know how to respond. And maybe that's the point; maybe I need to just not respond.

My husband mentioned that maybe all of this was a test. In my anger and frustration, I said I didn't care if I passed the test. I said I was ready to fail the test if it meant that it would just be over. 

After my first full night of sleep in a week, I feel differently. I do still want the test to end, but I don't want to fail. I don't want the glory of passing the test and boasting my grade (as long as it is at least a B) for all to see. But I do want the opportunity to live out the life that I feel called to.

There are moments of clarity for me. Moments where I feel God might actually be speaking to me. Moments where it's almost like He is whispering to me and reminding me that He is right here beside me. But those moments are fleeting, and I don't hold onto them. I feel them, but when they disappear, I forget they ever existed.

My dad tells me the same thing each time I tell him good news. He tells me to remember it and to put it away for a rainy day. He reminds me that I should pull it out when things don't seem so good. He's a relatively wise man, and I always agree with his statements. But I never actually follow through. Instead I focus on the current happenings and get caught up in the moment. I see where I am and feel like it's a glass cell. I can see where I want to go and where I have been, but I can't move.

What's worse is I see where I think everyone else is. And I think about how I am not there. And I get filled with anger and my anger blinds me to what the reality is.

So maybe this all is a test. And if it is, I can admit to my current failings. If I were to be graded, I'm sure there would be much red ink on the page and then a teacher's dejected sigh as I was told to try again. I would chew on the end of my pencil and curl my lips and then try again in the exact same way I had done before, and the red ink would again fill the pages.

I recognize this in myself right now. I don't know if it's the relatively quiet house or something else, but I can now see a little bit more clearly. It has nothing to do with me, of course, but the work God is trying to do in my stubborn heart.

I can't promise that I will remain filled with hope. Or that the anger won't return in a day or even an hour. But I do know that I am trying. I am trying to remember that I have blessings like friends and family and a house and two crazy but lovable dogs and a job. 

And it's not that I don't feel blessed. Because I do at times. I think part of it is that my heart so aches for the world around me. There is so much I want to do be doing, but I feel like I can't do all of it. Or any of it. I feel stuck and unable to move.

And maybe for right now I am supposed to feel stuck. Maybe this is God's way of telling me, until I realize it and apply it to my life, that my way doesn't work.

In the midst of the talking and the arguing last night, I exclaimed that I was tired of doing things God's way and that I was ready to just do things my way. Because then that way, I explained, I knew it would work.

But it wouldn't. I'm realizing that now. My way doesn't work.

Last night, my husband suggested writing about it. I responded that no one would want to read it. He told me to write about it for me and then said that some people might relate more I expect. He's into this brutal honesty thing right now. And it's brutal - both for the person receiving the honesty and the person speaking it. But I think he's onto something.

So there it is. My honesty. I don't know what I am doing. Or what my next step is. But I'm doing my best to move towards something more. We'll see what God does with all of this. I'm sure He'll remind me that His way is always best - even when I disagree.

(title from "you run away" by the barenaked ladies)

the signs are nowhere on this road

I've had a rough week. Just rough. The week has been full of 4am wake-up calls, making coffee and lunch for my husband, going back to bed and cuddling with the dogs (which makes it harder to wake-up again at 6am or 6:30am), cooking dinner every night (turkey chili, chicken with macaroni and cheese and green beans, dumplings), and working. I was able to take off half a day on Tuesday, and I am scheduled to have the day off on Friday. And boy do I need it.

For years, I went at least 100 miles a minute. In college, I worked a total of three jobs and passed (with only one C - the rest were As and Bs) all my classes. I also had a social life. I sniffled more then and required more NyQuil in the evenings, but I was always on the move.

For the first year-and-a-half after college, I also went at least 100 miles a minute, but it took a greater toll on me. My job became my life. I chose working 45 to 50 hours a week, into the late evenings, over spending time writing and spending time with my husband. Sometimes it wasn't a choice but a necessity, but often times, I chose to complete late night visits and spend more time with my clients rather than taking only the needed information and high-tailing it out of here. For my job, this was the right choice; it helped me to know and assist my clients. But for the rest of my life, it was the wrong choice. It kept me from cooking dinner, from spending time with friends and family, and it stopped me from enjoying the time I did have off from work. I regularly needed a week or two off just to decompress and pull myself together. Now, though, just a few hours off and maybe a full day on top of the regular weekend, is enough. That's one good thing about slowing down.

It's been a struggle to let go of going 100 miles a minute. Sometimes I just can't do it; it's as though I have to have something to worry about or overthink. It's like I have to find things to fill my time up with. At the same time, though, I love the slower pace, and sometimes, I let too many responsibilities go in order to just sit and do nothing.

I am realizing how much of a balancing act it all is. When you go through life so quickly, it's easier. It's easier because you don't have (or take) the time to notice that some priorities are off. And if you do notice, you have an excuse. Often times, the excuse is one others can't really argue with. And so, you survive. You make it, and you have a reason not to have your priorities in line. It's not a way of life I would recommend, but it's how things often go. I did years of this - starting probably in high school. And through all of it, God took several attempts at getting me to slow down. There was knee surgery the summer before I started college and breaking my foot my junior year of college and on and on. I never really learned, though.

Now, I am doing my best to slow down enough but to not become complacenet with where I am in life. And it is hard. Because there is so much uncertainty right now, and I have no choice but to stare the uncertainty in the face and wonder how I can change it. When I was going a 100 miles a minute, I didn't have the time to deal with the uncertainty; I just kept moving forward.

How I wish there were a quick way to understand and master looking uncertainty in the face and knowing God's in control. How I wish there were a way to let go of the reins and be done with it. See that, God, I let go, so now You can ease up a little. But that's not the way it works.

Over the past few weeks, I have felt a lot of peace about our situation. A lot of good things have happened as well. God has stepped in and provided for us every step of the way. His provisions have not been instant or all encompassing, but that's okay. He knows best.

A lot of this hit me last night. It just hit me. All of the sudden I was overcome with this weight. And there was joy in it, too. But so much heaviness. There was no specific reason for it. I talked it over in my head and with my husband some last night. And I cried a lot (though I tried to keep the tears at bay). At the end of it, I felt a bit freer. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was craving the quick pace, that I wanted to return to the quick pace and let go of all the stuff that comes with going through life at a normal pace.

But God knows what I need, and He knows it isn't running a 100 miles a minute. He knows the only way I can hear Him to slow down and to be still. Last night, I was more still. I knew He was present in my letting go and opening up to Him.

I'm not sure where all of this is leading. I want to know, but I understand that I don't necessarily need the knowledge. I need to trust in Him and follow Him. I can question it some but not so much that I start to pull away. He's brought us this far. I have no reason to doubt Him now.

(title from "light up the sky" by the afters)

all my life you've been calling me

The most amazing thing occurred last night. I attended our weekly Community Group, as I do most Tuesdays, and was encouraged and prophesied over and inundated with love from the Holy Spirit. It’s strange to write those words and realize the weight that they carry. Before last night, I was a bit unsure of the whole prophecy bit in the Bible. I understand that our church believed in prophecy. I had heard stories about prophecies coming true, but I was not a true believer in it. And then last night happened.

For several weeks and months, I’ve been struggling. I have struggled with fear, with exhaustion, with feeling stuck, with resentment, with anger, with uncertainty, with even more exhaustion, with anxiety, with depression, with not knowing how to pray, with not hearing or feeling God, with insecurity, and with other things I’m not sure how to put into words. During much of this time, I have wondered and asked where God was in all of it, what His plan was, and why He was allowing things to happen.

There were some answers, yes, but my heart continued to break for more answers. I continued to feel worn down, to feel forgotten, to be angry. I tried to find joy, and I searched for peace. I asked for peace. And He gave it, but it was often the same thing the next day. And then the next.

In the past two weeks, I began to truly press into God, more than I ever have before. I was at a point, we were at a point, where there was truly nothing else that could be done but to press into Him. It took me a long time to get to this point, and it took even longer to allow myself to let go of my own personal opinions about what it looks like to press into God.

At first, nothing truly changed. It was a lot of work, pressing into God, and it was frustrating to try and try and try but feel like nothing happened. I refused to give up, and eventually, God did begin to reveal Himself in little ways, which I wrote about in this post. But, still, it felt like something was lacking.

And then last night happened.

Like I said, we attended Community Group. Instead of the normal home, we met at a condo (which I am in love with and want all to myself, but that’s another post all in itself). Our Community Group (C-Group, for short) has recently been averaging 20 people or so. Tonight, there were a smaller number of us and then four others who had never joined our group.

The four others came to equip us, to help us to learn about prophecy and to pour into us. It was a divine meeting.

I had difficulty at first with the equipping. Questions ran wild in my head and collided with doubt. I knew and know what the Bible says, but I just didn’t think God could, or would, ever use or speak to me in such a way. And then, dreams were brought up and how dreams can often by from the Lord.

I dream somewhat regularly, and I forget several of the dreams. However, there are several recent dreams I have been unable to get out of my head, and I have wrestled with if they were from God or not. There was a tugging on my heart which told me to talk about the most recent dream and to get direction on whether or not it was from God or if it was just a nightmare, as there was fear that went along with the dream.

When I had the dream, my husband was asleep in our spare bedroom (thanks to our two Labrador/pit bull mixed dogs which regularly boot one of us out of bed). Our family of four was home at night when our house was broken into. Somehow, though I do not remember how, I was able to call the police and then make it back into the living room where we were with the burglars. Our belongings were also in the middle of the living room, ready to be taken into their possession and out of home. I recall a sense of fear in the dream but also a sense of peace. Somehow, though I really don’t know how, the burglars left our home and left our possessions with us.

I was afraid when I woke up. The dream felt incredibly real, and it took me several minutes of prayer and deep breaths before I was able to fall back asleep. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, unsure of whether the dream was real or not.

I spent several days praying over the dream and asking if it was from God or not. I never got a clear answer until last night, when I was told that the dream did in fact come from God and that I had interpreted it correctly. My interpretation was that over the past year we had been attacked and had almost had everything stolen from us (our marriage, our sense of security, our belongings, etc.) but that the time of attack was almost over.

So much more occurred last night outside of the interpretation, and I feel it imperative to share as it was an absolutely amazing and divine experience. But I also know not to share all details of the night as I believe some of it was meant only for me and for the others in the room. There might be a time later on when I am meant to share, but for now, I want to treasure what happened in my heart and truly pray over it.

Like I said, four people joined our C-Group last night that I had never met. They knew nothing about my struggles or our struggles. And yet, the words they spoke and the pictures they shared elicited a joy and a peace in my heart that I have never experienced.

Some of the words spoken were: strength, sunrise, motherly figure, all things new, eagle’s wings, peace, light, coming out of the pit, the cusp of something new, newfound joy in our roles as husband and wife, and humble servant. Two verses shared were Psalm 40 and Jeremiah 29:11. One person also shared the story of Mary pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet. Another person also quoted some of the words I previously prayed and provided God’s response to my words.

I am still uncovering more and more truths in what were said. I am reveling in God’s love and His grace and the fact that He poured out so much into me. I feel so inadequate for what His grace delivered last night but also more complete in Him than I ever have before.

We are beginning a new journey and a new life. His blessing will abound, that was also spoken over us last night, and I feel as though we truly are on the verge of things we never could have imagined as is said in Habakkuk 1 (spoken about here).

And I couldn’t be more excited or more nervous or more anxious but all in the best way possible.

the sunrise this morning. especially poignant after last night. taken with my iphone.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)

it's madness in my head

I departed Oklahoma City, OK at 10am on Saturday, August 7th. I depart Seabrook, TX at 10am on Thursday, August 12th. The few days spent in Texas have been relaxing. It was time to get away. And while I am not quite ready to head back to reality, I know when tomorrow comes it will be time to head back.

Things are rather difficult right now. There is not much else that I can say at this point other than they are difficult. Probably more difficult than they have been for the past year, which is saying a lot since this past year has not been one of the best.

Sometimes I handle the difficulty well. I recognize that God is in control, that He is working through all of this and that He will bring us through this. Other times, I cry, a lot.

When I met a close friend for dinner last night, my face was puffy. My eyes were somewhat red and my nose stuffy. She asked how I was, and I chuckled. The answer was that I had been better.

We talked openly. I talked about what was going on in my life, and she talked about what was going on in her life. There was little she could offer real advice on (that anyone can offer real advice on), but she did say she has found how important it is to ask for peace every day. Just because you have peace one day does not mean you will have it the next day.

Most nights, I go to bed with peace. I am able to sleep for at least eight hours and without any nightmares. But most mornings, I wake up and my stomach is already churning. The tears want to spring forth, and it's hard to breathe. It's hard to get up on those mornings, and I am so thankful I have had a week where I do not have to get up on those mornings.

I know God is big enough to handle this. He is big enough to handle anything. And I know He is working through all of this. His steps might not alleviate what I see as the biggest issues, but his steps are moving through the smaller issues, providing us a way out and a way into His plan. I wouldn't have realized that without going to dinner last night.

I want to know why all of this is happening. I want to understand the reasoning for all of the struggle. I ask many questions, but I receive very few answers. What is it that I can do to stop the struggle? What is it I need to learn? What do we need to learn?  Could I have prevented this, or as with so many stories in the Bible, was this always Your plan? And finally.. why is this happening to us?

I know there's a reason. I believe there is a path we are meant to follow, all of us, and I believe God pushes us on the path. I believe that sometimes we veer off the path, but that he will bring us back to where it is He wants us to be.

And why is it happening to me? I've heard many people say: why not? I don't like that answer because I want to stay in my bubble and lie to myself about what I deserve versus what other people deserve. But I know that I don't deserve anything better than another person; I know that deep down. We all have our struggles. We all have our inner demons. None of us is intrinsically better than another. But still, I wonder "why."

I may never know. I understand that. Sometimes things happen, and there's no real reason for it that can be understood during this life. I may also find out later on, years down the road. It could be that one day I will come to the place God wants me, where my desires will be His desires, where I will truly lean on Him always and truly put him first, and then I might know.

But right now, it is going to be hard. There are many difficult decisions to make and many difficult conversations to have. There is going to be struggle. There is going to be hardship. And the only way I'll make it, we'll make it, is to press into Him.

(title from "you could be happy" by snow patrol)

the sounds of peace and safety

Transition: Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another.

Transitions fill a person's life. The transition from childhood to adolescence, adolescence to adulthood. The transition from single to married. The transition from wrecked to saved by grace.

Recently, my life has been one of transitions: into my current job, through a time of suffering, becoming a youth leader, a new job for my husband. 

Transition is difficult, and the aforementioned transitions have all been difficult for me. I've questioned them all multiple times. I've wondered if I am where God would truly want me to be. I've regretted every recent choice. I've over-thought it all. And I come back to the same point: God has a plan, no matter my choices, and His plan will occur no matter what I do to thwart it.

He has brought me to these transitions. I have sought His wisdom through these transitions, and while He does not always speak clearly in the way I would like, while He is often silent, I do believe I have followed His steps.

For so long, I felt distant from Him. And I do still struggle with distance, mainly because I often keep myself distant from Him, I can feel Him coming near. I can feel Him in these transitions, through the pain and through the joy.

I am spending more time with Him. I am doing my best to lean into Him and trust only in Him. I am doing my best to stand still and silent during this time so that He can have his way. That's what I want: for Him to have His way with me and with my life.

And in this time of transition, in this time of suffering, in this time of struggle, in this time of uncertainty, I want Him to strip away the parts of me that are not of Him so that I can be overflowing with Him and His love. I want Him to be what shines through me. Because it is not about me; it is about Him and His plan and His purpose and His overwhelming, perfect LOVE.

(title from "i will run" by misty edwards)