to lead me to the other side

What I have to say today is similar to what I have said in past posts. It's an admittance of struggle. It's an admittance of feeling like a failure. It's an admittance of needing help. It's an admittance of not following through.

It's also a call to action for myself. It's a reminder that I haven't lost this fight and that I can move forward and ultimately win. It's a reminder that weight loss doesn't just happen. I have to wake up every single morning and choose to be healthy. I have to sit down at a restaurant daily and choose to order foods that are good for me. I have to resist temptations constantly and remind myself of why this is so important.

I did well for a week this month and shed four of the six pounds I'd gained back. I made the choice to go to the gym in the evening after work and watched my portions. I documented nearly everything on My Fitness Pal. But I also wasn't honest during that entire week.

There were days I went over my calories. Days I ate pieces of birthday cake and larger than necessary servings of ice cream. Days I said I drank eight glasses of water but really only drank four or six. And the only person that dishonesty hurt was (and is) myself.

And then this week? I all but abandoned the idea of eating well. I went to the pizza buffet one day for lunch and made more than one trip. I was overly generous with leftover Easter candy. I ate more veggie straws than what was necessary, and I upsized my french fries at Chik-Fil-A. I also said no to water and yes to diet dr. pepper and a bit too much coffee creamer.

I don't want to do those things. At least I tell myself I don't want to. And yet I still do them.

I'm at a pivotal moment in my weight loss. The weight I'm at is not healthy. It starts with a 2, and then follows with other numbers I don't like to see on the scale. The number is one I am ashamed of, one I hide from myself and from my husband and from my friends. Because I feel like if everyone knew the number... well, then no one would want to be friends with me, my husband wouldn't find me attractive, and I would be afraid of the judgements that would follow.

But by not sharing it, by not admitting even that the number starts with a 2, I allow myself to hide and pretend that I'm okay. When clearly, I am not. I've been on this journey for nearly a year, and I've lost a total of 33 pounds. Had I continued on the right path that number would be much higher.

The question now is what do I do? The question now is how I do hold myself accountable? The question now is how important is this to me?

I know what to do - the steps to take, the foods to eat, the ways to push myself. I know what works, and what doesn't work, as far as accountability is concerned. But knowing those things is nothing without my continued commitment to the journey and the process.

Weight loss is important to me. I know it's not necessarily about the number on the scale. It's more about how I feel, how healthy I am, how my clothes fit. And I agree. But I also know the number on the scale is important because it should not begin with the dreaded 2.

In the past, I would promise that it was going to be better. But I can't promise that because I have to take this journey day by day. I have to allow myself the chance to make it happen - and looking to the future and not focusing on tomorrow and then the day after that does more to hurt me than to help me.

So tomorrow I am going to the gym. My husband leaves for work by 4:30am, and he's going to help make sure I am up and nearly ready for a sweaty early morning work-out. After the gym, I'm going to take a shower and then eat a healthy breakfast. I'm going to pack snacks for work, knowing I'll be out of the field all day, and then for lunch I am going to order a salad and skip anything fried. A grilled chicken sandwich isn't really healthy when you eat all the french fries that come with it. And after working my first job, I'm going to do my best to make it to the gym for a second work out before heading to my second job. And then on Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can't repeat all of that.

I'm also going to do my best to post more. It might just be pictures and limited thoughts. But something is better than nothing. And when I post the pictures, I'm going to post the full picture - not editing them to make it look like I am thinner than I am. I've done that in the past, and it does nothing but hurt me in the end.

And I am done doing things that do nothing for me. I'm done hiding and lying to everyone, especially myself. It's time to be honest about everything.

(title from "on my way here" by ryan tedder)