when all is done

My husband's alarm sounded at 3:58am on Monday morning. I rolled over and drifted back to sleep and then silenced my first alarm that went off at 4:02am. At 4:10am, my husband asked if I wanted him to make me coffee. I said no and then drifted back off to sleep until 4:20am when my second alarm went off and I rolled out of bed.

I slept in my gym clothes the night before. It just seems easier to get out of bed and already be in work out clothes. There's something about changing out of comfortable pajamas and into comfortable gym clothes that just seems wrong, so for me gym clothes (the not-yet-sweaty kind) are my pajamas.

I was out the door by 4:45am on Monday and on a machine in the gym by 5:00am. It had been so long since I started the day off with cardio that I expected it to be difficult. But it wasn't. It was so much easier than I thought it would be and so much easier than it had been in the past.

Monday I felt invigorated. I still needed a large cup of coffee and then a diet dr. pepper to accompany my water, but I didn't drag as much as I normally do. I made excellent choices for lunch - researching my options and then selecting a salad without any dressing. By the time the first part of my work day ended, I was ready to head back to the gym and this time focus on circuit training.

30 minutes later, I was done for the day. My body was sore. But I was still energized - though I started to feel the effects of 75 minutes worth of exercise by the time 10:00pm rolled around.

Tuesday morning was much the same as Monday morning. I didn't hear my husband's alarm and had only one alarm set for myself. It sounded at 4:30am, and I proceeded to turn it off and hit snooze until about 5:30am when I finallly pulled myself out of bed and once again entered the gym - jumping onto the Expresso Bike (which I love - it's like spin class but you get to watch scenery as you bike) at 6:00am.

I squeezed in a 45 minute session of cardio and then made my way home so I could shower and pack snacks for the day.

I'm being careful and doing my best not to overdo the exercise. Balance is something I've never really attained throughout this process but it is something I am working towards. And so tonight I am taking the evening off from the gym and spending time with my husband instead of spending time with the elliptical.

One thing I know I am guilty of is jumping all in and then, when I don't see the results I want (or when life gets in the way), jumping all of the way out. I don't want to do that any longer. I want to continue this journey and stay the course. I know that I won't do everything 100% perfect, but I know that now is the time to do as well as I possibly can.

After my last post, when I admitted that my weight starts with a 2, I received several comments about my honesty and my bravery. I'd lie if I said I believed I was brave. So often I feel like a fake and like a failure. And I'm often not honest about that.

But I was on Tuesday night. I told a friend at our c-group about just how much I was struggling. And then, with her encouragement, I told my husband just how much I was struggling. Those conversations were difficult, but they were necessary.

Weight loss is my journey. It's something that only I can succeed at, and it is something that only I can fail at. But I can not do it alone. I've tried, and it does not work.

My husband doesn't understand all of it, but he does understand that weight loss is my own struggle. He understands what it is like to feel as though success will never come. He has his own struggles that have followed him from year to year, so he listens, offers me his love and his support, and then lets me continue on my journey. Just as I do for him.

Our conversation continued late into Tuesday night, and when my alarm went off at 4:30am this morning, I knew I needed to take the time to sleep rather than to sweat at the gym. So I did just that, and when I woke up, I showered and then immediately packed my gym bag so that I can sweat this afternoon.

(title from "eventually" by pink)