i build myself up and fly around in circles

picture found here.

I heard back from my doctor's office late yesterday afternoon. The first thing they told me was that no tumors or masses were seen in my CT Scan. I let out a sigh of relief. I hadn't truly thought about the possibility of tumors or cancer or anything of the sort. I knew it was always a distant possibility, but I didn't entertain it. What a relief to know that I would not have to wonder any longer.

The next thing they said was that my liver was enlarged. They aren't sure what is causing the enlargement. It could be a variety of things from diet to not enough exercise to some sort of disease. I'll be referred to yet another specialist and have yet another co-pay. But at least I know something is off.

I don't want to be sick. I dislike doctors. Needles and I also do not get along; I blame my veins which like to hide and move when being poked and prodded.

But still. I haven't felt well in close to three months. And I want to know why. I want to know what I can do to better myself, and one of my biggest fears was that I would be told that, according to bloodwork and ultrasounds and CT Scans, nothing was wrong.

So I am moving towards physical recovery.

As far as everything else, I'm doing my best to let go. It's a long process and a difficult one. I do not do well when I am not in control. I do not like it when nothing seems to go according to plan. And sometimes (maybe a lot of the time) I lose it. My sense of security and my hold on my emotions. It all disappears.

So now, I am trying to not hold so tightly. I've talked about letting go so much, and so often, I think I have let go. Only to find that something else goes off track which causes me to again want and crave that control. But I am not in control. I have to remember that. As difficult as it is.

My hope for this weekend is to relax and find some sort of balance. My house is clean (other than laundry) compliments of my husband. I have no plans with friends, and I am looking forward to some solitude while my husband attends a bachelor party on Saturday. I am hoping to plant my feet firmly back in God and remind myself that I will keep moving forward even if it feels like I am only moving backward.

(title from "chasing pavements" by adele)

in the middle of the night

I've dealt with anxiety for as long as I can recall.

In high school, I sometimes spent entire school days doing my best to slow my breathing, slow my heart rate. Most days I was able to make it through the day, to force a smile, and to hide the panicked feeling from those aroun dme. There were a few days, though, that resulted in my going to the nurses office and explaining that I was in the midst of a panic attack. At first, no one knew what to make of my ability to explain what was happening and wondered if it was my trying to manuever my way out of school for the day.

I have always been aware of my emotions, of how my body reacts to different situations. But I have never been able to stop my body from reacting or my emotions from taking over all aspects of my life.

I still haven't mastered the art of keeping my emotions at bay at all times. In fact, as I have gotten older and learned how to better deal with life (sometimes), it has become harder to push my emotions to the side, to hide how I am really feeling.

I have several different theories for why this is. One of the biggest and most prominent theories is that as exhausting as being upset/depressed/angry is, it is that much more exhausting to pretend to not be those things. My life is harder when everything is bottled up and shoved to the back of the closet. It might be easier for others to not see me upset, but my concern is not for others when it comes to emotions. My concern is for me and for my family.

My anxiety has slowly begun to creep back into my life. I know the root of it: insecurity.

I think insecurity has been the root of just about everything outside of happiness and joy. Insecurity creeps in and breeds negative emotions. It breeds heartbreak. It breeds anxiety.

I'm trying to battle the insecurity as much as I can. I know I am not the commander of this battle; that would be God's role. And I am grateful that He is the commander. If I were to lead myself into battle, I would likely not last more than five minutes.

Reading through So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore has helped. Spending four to five days at the gym has helped. Eating food that is healthy and not full of grease and fat has helped. Recognizing that insecurities exist has helped.

It's still there, lurking and waiting to attack, but I am finding weapons I didn't know I had, weapons that strengthen my ability to fight and strengthen my sense of self.

This morning, for example, I woke with a heavy heart. I hadn't slept through the night due to my two dogs wanting to cuddle and then pushing me away with their paws. I had also been plagued with worry over finances, over job security, over all the uncertainties in life. And each time I woke with worry, I prayed. The anxiety subsided enough to allow me to fall back asleep for a few hours; I would wake up later in the night with the same worries.

My alarm was set for 5:30am this morning, but after a fitful night of sleep, I knew my body was not prepared to run a mile on the elliptical or row for two miles. I chose an extra hour of prayer and sleep followed by taking my time to get ready for work and then taking ten minutes out to read my Bible before spending my thirty minute drive to work in prayer.

So much freedom exists in the thought that this world is not the end, that this world is not what matters. So much freedom exists in remembering that I am not in control, in remembering that none of this is up to me. I forget these lessons at times, but Jesus always reminds me of these things when I need Him to most.

It's taken most of the morning to battle my anxiety and to battle the assault of insecurity. But I am feeling stronger. I am clinging to the fact that there is no security in this world. There never will be. And looking for this world to fulfill my security will only leave me empty and anxious.

(title from "I Am Yours" by Misty Edwards)

the current here is stronger now than i remember

A few months ago, I began serving as a youth leader for our church youth group. It was a decision my husband and I made together. We were struggling to find different experiences together, were craving community, and were desperate to serve together. Almost immediately, we were offered the daunting task of beginning Bible Studies for the girls and for the boys.

In my twenty-five years of life, I have had the privilege to serve along side several beautiful and amazing women of faith. I spent fourteen weeks, over the course of two summers, in the East Texas heat at Camp Cho-Yeh. I worked alongside other college students, sowing into teenagers and pre-teenagers. I cried with my co-counselors, laughed with them, and ate too much Sonic with them. I also led Bible Study with them.

One of the most glorious parts of leading Bible Study at a summer camp is the lack of preparation counselors need to make. It's not to say that one can walk into the time for Bible Study and go about it with no preparation. It is to say that an amazing group of men and women come together before summer begins and decide on a theme for the summer, decide on lessons to accompany that theme.

There is no true theme at this time. At least not yet. I am responsible for the theme. I have wonderful women of God to serve alongside me, to steer me on the right path, and to assist with the teaching and the conversation. I do not have a group of people deciding on the theme and then writing the lessons.

The beginning of Bible Study has been slow. I believe that once school starts and the temperatures steadily drop to a bearable point more girls will come. It's not about the numbers but rather the hearts. I have a heart and love for teenage girls; I want to see their lives transformed.

On Sunday evening, I was privileged to spend time with two wonderful teenagers and two other leaders. 

Earlier in the day, I began reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It was a present from my mother-in-law. I had asked to borrow the copy she previously purchased, but instead, she bought me my own copy. I appreciated the gift immediately. I have so many insecurities I am ready to bid farewell.

I decided to focus on insecurities during the evening Bible Study. So many women struggle with insecurities. I always thought my insecurities would disappear when I turned twenty-one, when I graduated college, when I got married. Some have, but new insecurities have replaced the old.

The hour I spent in Bible Study on Sunday was amazing. I was blessed and honored to hear pieces of their stories. I felt privileged to know some of their testimonies. And I wondered what it was I could offer to them. They had all survived so much, and they all trusted God with an openness that I still struggle with. 

I know there is a reason God has placed me in the youth group. I don't understand it, and I feel like I am nowhere near ready for the challenge. But He has proved himself faithful time after time. And I know He will bless the time I spend with the youth; He will bless me with the right words when speech escapes me.

I shared a story about how difficult the week was. I talked of uncertainties we had faced on Thursday and then disclosed how the Lord lifted many of those uncertainties on Friday. It was a simple thing, really, having to do with finances and employment. Two things that matter all too much to me; two things I often put before my faith in the Lord.

But He is faithful. He saw my insecurities, saw my heart, and He knew I was at a point where I could bear no more. And He removed most the weight. 

I know insecurities will creep up later. I know panicked thoughts will consume me again. I will pray for an answer, for direction, but I might not believe an answer or direction will come. I'll crumble to a mess of tears. And when it is too much to bear, He will once more remove the weight.

It's the threat that gets me. The unknown. The hurt. The what if that tugs at my heart, rips at my soul. I noticed it was often the same for those who attended the Bible Study. As Beth Moore states, "Threat. That single word captures one of the most powerful drivers of insecurity. More often than not, if we're willing to make the connection, we can trace the feelings of insecurity to a perceived threat, especially when it comes in a sudden rush."

And doesn't it always come in a sudden rush? It might be a threat that often lingers in the back of my mind, but when it becomes a true threat, not just a perceived threat, it rushes at me with the speed of an airplane soaring through the air.

But God is faithful. I witnessed it in the stories I told. I witnessed it earlier tonight in text messages from my husband, discussing the current political state of the hospital that employs him. There is darkness; there is evil in the world, and it breeds insecurity. 

But there is God; there is the security He provides. Sometimes we just have to experience the rush to find the safe landing spot.

(title from "anchor" by satellites and sirens)