now i'll be bold as well as strong

Today I start over - yet again.

I keep telling myself that I've got this. I know what to eat and how much to eat. I understand how important exercise is and that nutrition is even more important. I've seen the number on the scale shrink along with my waistline. But I still let myself trip up.

It just takes one time for me. One diet coke. One order of Chicken McNuggets. Just one and all my hard work is forgotten as I eat McDondald's for a second, third, fourth, and fifth time. Just one, and I forget how much I need water and instead want nothing more than a huge, ice cold diet coke.

Some people can enjoy those things in moderation. Maybe one day I will be a some people. But today I am not.

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I've experience recently. We moved out of our house and in with my in-laws. The move was quick, and we anticipated the closing on our house - the official end to one chapter of our lives. But instead, the closing has been pushed back five times and we continue to wait to sign on the dotted line and hand the keys over to the new owners,

I've worked more than normal. While 60 hour work weeks aren't easy, I adjusted to them and they became my new normal. But the past few weeks have brought 70+ hour work weeks, and I simply can not adjust. I've spent most of my weekends sleeping in and napping. Thankfully I've been able to work week adjust and stay home late some of the mornings. I think that's been the only saving grace.

And exercise? What is that? I did so well for so long. I decided to invest in myself and hired a personal trainer. I could feel and see the differences just a few weeks in, but then one evening, after an especially grueling session of step-ups and squats, I sat down on the step for a break and almost cried. Something was wrong with my knee.

It didn't hurt when I walked - only when I bent it. We took it easy for the rest of that session and the one following that. Then over a week went by with no work outs. I had what is commonly called runners knee, also known as iliotibial band syndrome.

To me it was my worst fears coming true. And I fell apart. The busyness, the lack of a closing, being injured.. it was all too much. So I turned inward and let myself seek comfort in diet coke and food that did nothing good for my body or my soul.

Through it all, I've prayed. I've sought guidance from the Lord and asked for strength. There have been lots of tears, but He has met me where I am. Now it is time for me to meet Him where He is waiting for me.

So I am back on track. Sitting at my computer and writing. Reading blogs I've just barely glanced at in a month. Signing up to do guest posts. Purchasing fruit from the grocery store. Promising myself that I'll once again drink unsweet tea with lots of lemon or water and not diet coke. Reminding myself that I've come too far to go back to where I started.

And hoping that maybe there are others who understand, other who struggle, others who will recommit with me.

I know I have to have a plan or else I'll be back where I started today. My lifestyle is hectic and makes it difficult to cook and plan every meal but not impossible. Nothing is impossible if I set my mind to it.

With that in mind, my plan is this:

I need to simply remember. Remember why I want this. Why it is important. Why I can not and will not give up. Because it's not going to stop being hard. My life is not going to stop being busy. Only I can change my perspective. Only I can be disciplined enough to remember and never forget. Only I can be disciplined enough to keep going even when it seems I am doing nothing right and it seems like the hard work will never pay off. Because one day the hard work will be worth it. One day I will be a success story. One day I will look back at this moment and know that I did it because I chose to be disciplined.

(title from "i will wait" by mumford & sons)

leave this broken past behind

We celebrated the end of 2011 and start of 2012 with friends. There was wine, snack food, and hours of laughter provided by the game Bang. A little after midnight, we packed up, headed home, and fell asleep, cuddled with our dogs by 1:00am. The alarm went off at 8:00am, and we groggily moved out of the bed, through the house and off to church.

Several weeks ago, we started talking about what we wanted out of 2012. It was a conversation that started with our C-Group. Together, my husband and I decided that we wanted to spend more of 2012 in pursuit. Pursuit of each other, pursuit in our friendships, and pursuit in our relationships, both together and individually, with God.

After church, we spent time resting on the couches of my in-law's house, waiting for lunch, and discussing what our individual goals for 2012 are.

The goal we have together ties into our individual goals because, without pursuing each other and God, we won't be able to meet our own goals.

2012 so far hasn't been what I expected or hoped it would be. I know that life doesn't change overnight. It's a matter of making choices, daily, that will help to turn 2012 into what I want it to be. The choice I'm making right now is to be okay with things not going as hoped or expected.

I had plans for this Monday off of work. The plans included a sweaty work out, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, baking cheesecake, reading, and some writing. Instead, I spent the day resting on the couch or sleeping in bed - though I did get cheesecake baked and lots of The Mortal Instruments read.

I texted my mom about my sudden sickness and how I treated myself to homemade macaroni and cheese (my comfort food of choice) that tasted almost as good as hers. Her response was that sometimes sickness is what gets us to slow down when we need it.

And I did need it. My body knows me better than I know myself, and I'm not always good at listening to it. But I am trying. So today, I allowed myself to be sick and rested. I thought about how I've already failed at round two of the South Beach Diet - a culprit of the holidays, being sick, and poor planning.

There is tomorrow to look forward to, and the chance to start over again. I'm not sure I will make it to the gym tomorrow, but I know that I'm going to do my best to get back onto the healthy living train.

That's the beauty of the month of January. It's a month of beginnings. It's a month of making resolutions and not allowing setbacks or mistakes to determine success of failure.

But, really, resolutions should not be meant for just January. I've let it be that in the past years. I've even done that recently - telling myself that it's okay to eat poorly because January is on its way and I can start over then. But starting over is something that should be done whenever it is needed. It should not be reserved solely for the beginning of the year.

That's going to be my theme for 2012. A year of starting over whenever I need to. A year of not giving up or putting things off. A year of pursuing the things that are important to me and to my family. A year of being as honest as I can about my struggles in weight loss, my walk with God, my life with my husband, and anything else I might feel I should share.

This is the year. I've heard that from so many people, and I am so excited to see what that means for all of us. Where it will take us individually and as a whole.

2011 was hard for many of us, but that difficulty, as I've said before, will give us something to compare 2012 to. And even with the difficulty, there was a lot of beauty and wonderful things. I can't wait to see what all beauty and wonder 2012 will hold, and I can't wait to take whatever struggles might come my way and turn them into positives.

My first Monday of 2012 might not have happened the way I planned, but it happened the way it needed to. And now I feel refreshed, rested, and level-headed. I feel like I'm ready to get back into a healthy life and ready to open myself back up without worrying about what others might have to say.

Here's to hoping that your 2012 has started in the way you need - even if it wasn't the way you planned.

(title from "some other time" by tony lucca)