all out of reasons to run

My alarm was set to go off at 3:02am, but at 3:01am, I woke up with a start – worried that somehow I had missed the alarm and then, subsequently, missed my flight. There was a sigh of relief, and then I was out of bed – moving through the house and finishing the task of packing, which is my least favorite part of traveling.

It took me an hour to get dressed, put away the remaining laundry, pack my suitcase, feed the dogs, force the dogs to take their medicine (the peanut butter trick doesn't work; neither does hiding it in cheese), brew coffee for my husband, and throw my hair up. It was just after 4:00am when we left the house, and I was sitting in the airport – waiting to print my boarding pass – before 4:30am.

My flight was scheduled to leave at 6:50am, and I knew there wouldn't be time to cook eggs and then eat breakfast before leaving. In the past, I would have been excited about the prospect of eating on the go. It's not really possible to eat healthy, after all, when you are in the midst of traveling. And if you can enjoy tater tots from Sonic, or a really large blueberry muffin, you should.

Except this time was different. This time I was determined not to just eat what was available to me. So I became the person with a special request, and the restaurant of my choice obliged.

It wasn't the best breakfast I've ever had. The egg would have tasted better between a plain bagel or two pieces of sourdough bread, but since bread is not an option, I ate it mixed with sauteed bell peppers and onions and sprinkled with (too much) cheese.

And there wasn't anything said about the lack of bread. It cost the same as it would have cost to purchase the whole sandwich (wouldn't it be nice if it was less, though, since I ate less food?). But I felt better about what I ate than I would have otherwise. Of course, I did put a little too much half and half into my coffee, but really, I'm the sort of person who likes coffee with my creamer so at least I cut it back some.

A lot of people mention how restrictive the South Beach Diet is and how they couldn't do it. And it is restrictive and not the easiest thing in the world. But it's also not impossible.

Like anything, it comes down to choice. I choose to watch what I eat. I choose to adhere as closely to the plan as I can – though I did have the tiniest sliver of pepperoni pizza for dinner Wednesday night. My butternut squash soup just wasn't cutting it.

It would be easy to say that I failed by eating pepperoni pizza Wednesday night. Really, it would have been best not to eat it. But by eating the tiniest sliver, I showed myself that I can eat some unhealthy things without feeling like I need to eat all of it as I have in the past. After all, it wasn't too long ago that I practically refused to share a frozen pizza with my husband.

I mentioned my little cheats from over the weekend. And I feel like I need to mention the cheat I had Wednesday night because I don't want anyone to think that I'm going along perfectly and without struggle through this two week phase. Because I'm not. I don't know how people can do it perfectly because sometimes you need that something extra.

And maybe if I hadn't eaten the sliver of pepperoni pizza or the handfuls of popcorn I would have lost 7 pounds by now instead of just 5. I don't think it really matters though. I feel so much better than I did just a week ago and that's worth so much more than those two extra pounds.

I also feel more confident in my ability to live a healthier lifestyle. After a month of never stepping foot in a gym and a month of eating more ice cream than I had over the past few months, I really wondered if I could actually make the change from unhealthy to healthy. I wondered if I would be able to maintain a healthy weight if I ever got down to my goal weight. The past week has shown me that I can say no and still be satisfied with what and how I am eating.

Right now, I'm reading the book Unlimited by Jillian Michaels. I usually read through books as quickly as I can, but this time, I am slowing down and really letting her words resonate with me. And they are.

There are so many quoted from her book that are applicable. But the one that really makes me think, at least at this moment in time, is “Understanding how you think about yourself and why you react to life the way you do will allow you to change any behavior, knock out any mental obstacle, and create any reality you desire.”

I'm definitely learning how I think and why I react. I'm taking a hard, hard look at all the reasons I used to eat so much ice cream and fight over pizza with my husband – even pout if he got to eat more of the pizza than I did. And the understanding and realizations have made it much easier to embrace a healthier lifestyle.

I think that's the point of the South Beach Diet, and really any eating plan. It's not about how much weight I can lose in two weeks. It's about bidding farewell to the foods that have no real place in your life and then slowly waving hello to the foods that will fuel you once you learn how to properly and responsibly consume them.

(title from "catch me" by tony lucca)

leave this broken past behind

We celebrated the end of 2011 and start of 2012 with friends. There was wine, snack food, and hours of laughter provided by the game Bang. A little after midnight, we packed up, headed home, and fell asleep, cuddled with our dogs by 1:00am. The alarm went off at 8:00am, and we groggily moved out of the bed, through the house and off to church.

Several weeks ago, we started talking about what we wanted out of 2012. It was a conversation that started with our C-Group. Together, my husband and I decided that we wanted to spend more of 2012 in pursuit. Pursuit of each other, pursuit in our friendships, and pursuit in our relationships, both together and individually, with God.

After church, we spent time resting on the couches of my in-law's house, waiting for lunch, and discussing what our individual goals for 2012 are.

The goal we have together ties into our individual goals because, without pursuing each other and God, we won't be able to meet our own goals.

2012 so far hasn't been what I expected or hoped it would be. I know that life doesn't change overnight. It's a matter of making choices, daily, that will help to turn 2012 into what I want it to be. The choice I'm making right now is to be okay with things not going as hoped or expected.

I had plans for this Monday off of work. The plans included a sweaty work out, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, baking cheesecake, reading, and some writing. Instead, I spent the day resting on the couch or sleeping in bed - though I did get cheesecake baked and lots of The Mortal Instruments read.

I texted my mom about my sudden sickness and how I treated myself to homemade macaroni and cheese (my comfort food of choice) that tasted almost as good as hers. Her response was that sometimes sickness is what gets us to slow down when we need it.

And I did need it. My body knows me better than I know myself, and I'm not always good at listening to it. But I am trying. So today, I allowed myself to be sick and rested. I thought about how I've already failed at round two of the South Beach Diet - a culprit of the holidays, being sick, and poor planning.

There is tomorrow to look forward to, and the chance to start over again. I'm not sure I will make it to the gym tomorrow, but I know that I'm going to do my best to get back onto the healthy living train.

That's the beauty of the month of January. It's a month of beginnings. It's a month of making resolutions and not allowing setbacks or mistakes to determine success of failure.

But, really, resolutions should not be meant for just January. I've let it be that in the past years. I've even done that recently - telling myself that it's okay to eat poorly because January is on its way and I can start over then. But starting over is something that should be done whenever it is needed. It should not be reserved solely for the beginning of the year.

That's going to be my theme for 2012. A year of starting over whenever I need to. A year of not giving up or putting things off. A year of pursuing the things that are important to me and to my family. A year of being as honest as I can about my struggles in weight loss, my walk with God, my life with my husband, and anything else I might feel I should share.

This is the year. I've heard that from so many people, and I am so excited to see what that means for all of us. Where it will take us individually and as a whole.

2011 was hard for many of us, but that difficulty, as I've said before, will give us something to compare 2012 to. And even with the difficulty, there was a lot of beauty and wonderful things. I can't wait to see what all beauty and wonder 2012 will hold, and I can't wait to take whatever struggles might come my way and turn them into positives.

My first Monday of 2012 might not have happened the way I planned, but it happened the way it needed to. And now I feel refreshed, rested, and level-headed. I feel like I'm ready to get back into a healthy life and ready to open myself back up without worrying about what others might have to say.

Here's to hoping that your 2012 has started in the way you need - even if it wasn't the way you planned.

(title from "some other time" by tony lucca)

like a chest without its treasures

When I left my parents house yesterday morning, my mom printed off a story and handed it to me. She asked that I wait until I arrive home to read it, so I folded the page and placed it in my pocket.

The dogs greeted me in excitement, with jumping on the bed and off the bed and then back onto the bed. They licked me and gave me hugs. Once they were calm, I unfolded the page and settled into the couch to read it.

"I Pray you Enough" Anonymous Author
Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged, and the mother said, 'I love you, and I pray you enough.'
The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough.. Your love is all I ever needed. I pray you enough, too, Mom.'
They kissed, and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry.. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'
'Well...I'm not as young as I once was, she lives so far away & has her own busy life. I have some challenges ahead, and the reality is - her next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I pray you enough.' May I ask what that means?'
She began to smile. 'That's a prayer that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone.' She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I pray you enough,' we wanted the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.'
Then, turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory.
I pray you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I pray you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I pray you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I pray you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I pray you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I pray you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I pray you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Then she walked away.


I sent a text message to my mom, letting her know I read the story, and she responded with "So, I pray you enough."

Right now, it feels like too much. It feels like there is no sun. It feels like there is no gain. It feels like there is more pain than joy. It feels difficult to find happiness. It feels like there is so much more loss right now.

But truly, it probably is just enough.

And maybe, just maybe, all this rain will soon turn into a beautiful rainbow.

(title from "a thousand daydreams" by tony lucca)