it was like slow motion

I entered my doctor's appointment hopeful but anxious. I had a feeling that the news wouldn't be good news. A feeling that surgery was on the horizon. But I hoped that I would be wrong. That there would be another solution - any other solution.

I walked out of the doctor's appointment with a paper that said my surgery was scheduled for 7am on January 25th and that my first post-operative appointment was scheduled for 8:15am on January 31st.

No tears fell while in the doctor's office. Instead I made jokes and asked questions about rehabilitation, how soon I could return to work. The approach he is taking is, from what I can tell, more conservative. It is essentially the same surgery I had on my right knee nearly 10 years ago. There was another surgery, one that involved breaking bone and more rehabilitation, that he mentioned and I said no too.

But I'm terrified that once the surgery starts he will see the conservative approach won't work. He mentioned that it seems to have worked well with my right knee. And it has though I know that as I start physical therapy on my left knee I will also have to do the same with my right knee.

I mentioned losing weight to him and said I know that likely contributes to my knee problems. He said losing weight is good but that my weight is not the issue with my knees. I'm pre-disposed to have problems with my knees. It all comes down to my alignment being off.

There's comfort in knowing that it isn't my weight. That I am not the sole reason for this injury. But it's also frustrating to know I will likely have knee problems for the remainder of my life. And I'm only 27.

I cried once I was in the car. The walls came down and the reality settled in. I went into the appointment hopeful and left knowing what was facing me.

The timing of it all is so interesting. We're in the midst of change. We're also letting God lead us to a new church and different responsibilities. So it does not escape me that the timing of this need for surgery is happening in the midst of it all as a way to deter me from God's plan. But it won't work.

I said I would have faith in 2013. And I meant it. God is so much bigger than all of this. He knows what rests before me. He knows the trials we will face. And He knows what the outcome will be so I need to trust in Him and rest in Him.

There isn't a whole lot I can do to prepare for surgery. But I am committed to healthy eating. I allowed myself a bad meal last night of Chik-Fil-A and now there will be no more bad food. I will do my best while recovering from surgery as well. I do not want this to be the reason I fall back into my old ways of gain back the weight I've lost so far on Weight Watchers.

And I am committed to praying. To clinging to God through this time and to not worrying over the small details.

This is a setback. But it is also a setup.

It will setup my recommitment to strength. It will setup a desire to see this weight loss through this year. It will setup a story for me to tell. It will setup even more success to follow.

(title from "the moment i knew" by taylor swift)

weight loss wednesday (week 19)

Today’s Weight: 221.8 lbs.

Total Loss: 43.2 lbs.

I lost 1.2 pounds this week. It might be more, but I think my body is still getting rid of the iodine that was pumped into my knee Monday for my MRI.

What I craved this week: Comfort food like macaroni and cheese or pizza or pasta of any kind. That's what I really wanted for dinner on Monday night, but I didn't eat it. I got close, but my husband helped to keep me accountable.

What I noticed was different about my body:  My face seems smaller. I can see a little more definition around my waist also. I took measurements about two weeks ago, so I am excited to take more measurements and see what difference there is.

Workouts planned for this week: I haven't made it back to the gym this week. I've been a bit scared. I had plans to go Monday and Tuesday, but then I slept in Monday morning. And after my MRI, I could barely handle bending my knee it was so filled with fluid.

I have been more active this week. We were out walking around for most of the weekend, and I was able to keep up. I may never be able to really run again (or at least not for awhile), but I am walking more!

Personal Goal(s) for this week: I start over on my PointsPlus Friday. I want the next week to be one where I use the Weekly PointsPlus wisely. I don't want to just spend them all to spend them all. I've done better this week, but I am down to 0 for the remaining two days. Which is okay. I can find plenty of healthy options to eat that don't make me go over my daily PointsPlus allowance.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: "In order to have any chance of success, I've learned that you have to accept yourself and let go of past failures or weaknesses that have been holding you back. It's important to look forward, not backward--to get really clear on your future and what you want it to be. It's not written in stone. Once you know what you want your life to look like, you can figure out how to make it happen." --Ali Vincent, Believe It Be It

Thanks again to Sam at The Ruby Turtle Hippie Times for this format. I am linking up with her, and you should too!

we can shatter just as fast

It's nearly 3:30pm and I am snuggled up on the couch, watching last night's episode of The Biggest Loser. I have every intention of staying on the couch for the remainder of the afternoon and evening.

When I first took the rest of the day off, I did it for fun. Now that I'm home and done with my MRI, I know I am home to recover.

The MRI itself wasn't the problem or the hard part. It was the part that came before when they stuck a needle in my knee and filled my knee up with contrast. Hello swelling and pain! It feels like I did when I first hurt my knee back in December.

Driving home, I started thinking about my knees. I've already had surgery on my left knee and on my right knee. I tend to favor my knees a lot out of fear of getting hurt. And now I am favoring my left knee even more.

I'm hopeful that the report will be a good one. I'll find out for sure on Thursday when I go into see the orthopedic surgeon. But if it's not, I will be okay.

While I was being prepped for the MRI, I spoke with the X-Ray technician about weight loss, osteoarthritis, and my jobs. She mentioned that she had a sister who had always struggled with her weight and lost 60 pounds. Then, her sister tore her ACL while playing indoor soccer and gainer all of her weight back.

I couldn't help but think... what if that is me? On the drive home, I decided it wouldn't be me.

I have no idea what's really wrong with my knee. I have spent plenty of time on Google and WebMD to have an idea of what might be wrong. But until I hear it from a doctor, I won't know.

What I do know is that I won't gain weight back if I'm bedridden because of my knee. What I do know is that I'm going to stick to the Weight Watchers plan and watch what I eat. And then, when it's time, I'll spend time working out.

I also know I will probably never be a runner. And I'm sad about that. But it's not the end of the world or the end of my weight loss and healthy living journey.

I can find other activities to do and to enjoy. Maybe I'll finally learn how to ride a bike and spend more time biking - and not just biking in the gym. I can also swim more. And row. And walk. And do a million other things outside of run.

I also know that I will not let my knee steal my joy. It would be easy to be angry and frustrated and feel like the world is out to get me. I refuse to stop my life simply because I am hurt. I refuse to let this define my life. Instead, I am going to look at this as an opportunity.

If I have to have surgery and stay home, then I will spend time writing and blogging. I will blog more about being healthy when injured. I will continue to inspire and be inspired. I will press into God even more and trust in Him.

Nothing is going to stop me from making 2013 a wonderful year. Nothing.

Don't let anything stop you from making 2013 a wonderful year.

PS: Go mingle with Meg!

(title from "be somebody" by thousand foot krutch)

sunday social (link up)

1. Do you plan to change any of your eating habits in the new year? Yes and no.

I really want 2013 to be the year I lose all this excess weight. I've been at it since 2011. I don't want to still be at it in 2014.. unless it's just to lose the last 20 or less pounds.

I joined Weight Watchers days before the new year. Being on that plan makes me feel less overwhelmed by losing weight. I do not have to limit what I eat. No foods are off limits. And for some reason, knowing foods are not off limits helps me. It's better to have a little than to eat too much just because you know you aren't supposed to.

2. Any workout tips to get us back in shape after the Holidays? I am struggling to get back into the gym. I'm scared. I was so good at working out and then I stopped. Then I got hurt. It's time for fear to stop having a place (my quote for 2013) and for me to just do it.

I would say start small. You aren't going to be the fittest person at the gym. And that's okay. Also remember that people are glad you're there. I feel so out of place at the gym sometimes since I am not fit as a whistle, but I have been told by many people how inspiring it is to them to see people working to get health.

3. Favorite thing you did over the Holidays? I loved having my parents in town right before Christmas. They were a huge help with our house and our garage!

I also loved spending time with friends. We went to church on Christmas Eve with two of our friends and then also rang in 2013 with them. There was good food, lots of laughter, and a drinking game.

It was also a joy to get to be Santa Clause for some children in foster care. Even though we never see them open their gifts, I love knowing we helped to make sure kids had a good Christmas.

4. What is something you hope that you accomplish in 2013 that you did not in 2012? 2012 was wonderful to me. But I have pretty high hopes for 2013 (higher than they were for last year!). A song to live up to, a word to remember, a quote to live by, and resolutions.

What it all really comes down to is being present. I want to enjoy what 2013 - including the bad - and live a life of love for the year. Doing that.. I think everything else will fall into place.

5. Name 3 things happening this year you are excited about and why: My husband and I have a trip booked to Branson, MO for March. It will be the first vacation we take, just the two of us, since our honeymoon in 2009.

I have plans to grow this blog. When I started writing, it was just a hobby. I didn't take it seriously and see it as a place to truly share and help others. I see it as that now, and I am excited to take it seriously though still have fun with it and be true to myself.

I'm excited for Weight Watchers. It's helping me a lot to be around people who struggle with the same things I do. And to know I am accountable, via my bank account, to get healthy and lose the weight. I feel like it is going to be a highlight of the year for me.