what i've been chasing

Sundays are often one of two things. One - a chance to rest and recover from the weekend. Two - a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week. After a week of trying to recover from being sick, today has been more of a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week.  But it has also been so much more than that.

I was stuck in a tailspin of emotions Saturday afternoon. Every few weeks, I seem to find the need to worry about something. My future. What I want to be when I grow up. Our house. Finances. The list goes on and includes items that, really, aren't as important as I make them out to be. But I give into the idea that I need to have everything figured out and that everything needs to happen according to my plan.

This is a common theme in my life. It's something I've struggled with for about as long I can remember. I've sought the next step in my life and how to go about getting to the next step.

I know this is something I need to let go. Though I think I am in control of all these things, the truth is that I am not. And by trying to hold tightly onto the control I don't have, I miss out on many things that are more important.

Church this morning touched on this for me. I felt it first during worship. Having just come from a brunch with our community group, my mind was swimming with thoughts of where God is leading me and how all the places I feel Him leading me make absolutely no sense. They all involve steps that others might question like going back to school and depending on student loans or stepping back into a position I never thought I would again want to. While I considered all of this, and prayed for guidance on where to go, I was reminded of the fact that my life is not necessarily meant to make sense to other people. It's supposed to be different. I'm supposed to stand out from the crowd and live my life in a way that make other people wonder what is so different.

And I don't.

I give into my needs and my wants more than I should. I focus on my success compared with someone else's. I wonder why my life can't look the way I want it to - the way I thought it would. During these moments of clarity, I can see that God is guiding me towards the plan He has for me.

And I want those things He has planned for me. But I want them now - in my timing - and not necessarily when He has them timed.

That's what happened Saturday night. A mess of emotions over our finances and our house and how nothing seems to be getting better in the way of having a large amount of money in our bank account. But if we did have all those things, what would I lack? The answer is simple: a chance to step out in faith and live my life in a way that might seem weird to others. A chance to lay it all out on the line and trust that God knows oh so much better than I do.

It's a season of soul searching. I am sure it will also be a season of waiting and of being patient even though I want to be nothing but impatient. And it is a season of listening to see where my heart lies and what my passions are.

All of this while I am working towards my goal of 100 pounds lost.

I made that goal for myself. For reasons of health and reasons of selfishness. But I am starting to see that this goal is a goal God has had in mind for several years. Because it's now that I am working towards something, sticking with something and not giving up, that I'm really open to hearing what His heart is for my life.

There's a part of me (a HUGE part) that wants this goal of 100 pounds to come quickly. I want to lose it in six months as they do on The Biggest Loser. I want to step onto the scale and hear clapping from people at the five or seven pounds I lost in one week.

But I know it needs to take time. I need the time to say goodbye to those pounds and time to say goodbye to all of those reasons I got to a point where I needed to lose 100 pounds. I need the time to learn how to listen to my body and also how to listen to God. Because, for me at least, those things are intertwined.

The sermon today touched on rescue and redemption. There was talk of caring for the fatherless and the oppressed. Talk of stepping into someone else's brokenness and of staying with me - and of coming back. It pricked at my heart in such a huge way. Talk of foster care and loving those who need it always does.

Because that's where my heart rests. It's the one thing I want to be connected to for the rest of my life. It's a dream my husband and I share - this dream to care for children who don't have anyone to love them in the case of adoption and this dream to care for families who are broken and need help being put together in the case of foster care.

So often I forget this. I force myself to.  I push it as far out of my mind as I can because it seems like we will never attain it. There is so much against us that it seems like an impossible dream - like it is something I will always have to stand on the sidelines for.

But I was reminded today, as we drove in the car and discussed the sermon, that God always makes a way. We just need to remember His promises. So that's what I am doing for the rest of this Sunday.

Preparing for the week. Cleaning the house. And resting on His promises and the fact that He will always come through - in His time.

(title from "down" by jason walker)