how hard it is to make it look so easy

Following a week of being sick, I planned on getting out of bed by 5:00am and heading straight to the gym. I wanted my Monday to start off with thirty minutes on the elliptical and thirty minutes of strength training. But after a restless night's sleep, I chose to change the alarm for 6:25am and cuddle with our two dogs.

Spending my lunch hour at the gym had always been my plan for Monday. I debated getting onto the elliptical then since I missed my chance that morning, but spin class called out to me. And I answered.

I finished thirty minutes of spin class and burned over 300 calories. And then I dismounted and headed for the weights. While I wanted to last the entire hour of spin class, I couldn't do it. I felt too weak, and my heart rate was staying too high - making it quite difficult to breathe.

My hope had been that I would walk back into the gym and be able to do all the things I did before getting sick. But a week away from the gym, a week spent resting on the couch and eating too much frozen yogurt, made that hope fail.

I never thought that a week could so drastically change me, but it did.

I appreciate the strength I have gained so much more now. While I was defeated for a moment, I am now thankful for the time I have spent at the gym so far. And I'm excited to regain my old strength and increase it now that I'm on antibiotics and getting over being so sick it was hard to move.

This is where patience comes in handy. I need to wait and allow things to take their time. I need to accept that things will not always be exactly how I want them to be. But when you are forced to be patient, you tend to learn a lot more. At least that's how it is for me.

I may not have conquered two work outs today, but I left the office and headed straight to the gym at lunch. I may not have made the whole one hour spin class, but I listened to my body and did what was best for me. I may not have been able to lift as much weight, but I still lifted.

After burning over 500 calories, and watching what I ate throughout the day, I enjoyed Mexican food and conversation with my husband and two friends. Instead of ignoring the chips and queso, I enjoyed it but did not ask for more queso. Instead of eating a salad, I stayed with my tried and true chicken quesadillas. It's been months since I ate real Mexican food, and while it probably negated my work out for the day, I walked out of the restaurant with more patience and more gratitude for the fact that I got back into the gym after seven days of being sedentary.

I'm learning just how much of a say I have in my own life. Things will always happen. There will always be responsibilities that need to be met. But it's up to me to decide how to respond to those things that happen. It's up to me to have the right attitude while meeting responsibilities. Just like it was up to me to make it to the gym at least once on Monday.

Just like it will be up to me to make it to the gym at least once today and tomorrow and the next day.

(title from "easy" by rascal flatts & natasha bedingfield)

what i've been chasing

Sundays are often one of two things. One - a chance to rest and recover from the weekend. Two - a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week. After a week of trying to recover from being sick, today has been more of a chance to catch up and ready for the upcoming week.  But it has also been so much more than that.

I was stuck in a tailspin of emotions Saturday afternoon. Every few weeks, I seem to find the need to worry about something. My future. What I want to be when I grow up. Our house. Finances. The list goes on and includes items that, really, aren't as important as I make them out to be. But I give into the idea that I need to have everything figured out and that everything needs to happen according to my plan.

This is a common theme in my life. It's something I've struggled with for about as long I can remember. I've sought the next step in my life and how to go about getting to the next step.

I know this is something I need to let go. Though I think I am in control of all these things, the truth is that I am not. And by trying to hold tightly onto the control I don't have, I miss out on many things that are more important.

Church this morning touched on this for me. I felt it first during worship. Having just come from a brunch with our community group, my mind was swimming with thoughts of where God is leading me and how all the places I feel Him leading me make absolutely no sense. They all involve steps that others might question like going back to school and depending on student loans or stepping back into a position I never thought I would again want to. While I considered all of this, and prayed for guidance on where to go, I was reminded of the fact that my life is not necessarily meant to make sense to other people. It's supposed to be different. I'm supposed to stand out from the crowd and live my life in a way that make other people wonder what is so different.

And I don't.

I give into my needs and my wants more than I should. I focus on my success compared with someone else's. I wonder why my life can't look the way I want it to - the way I thought it would. During these moments of clarity, I can see that God is guiding me towards the plan He has for me.

And I want those things He has planned for me. But I want them now - in my timing - and not necessarily when He has them timed.

That's what happened Saturday night. A mess of emotions over our finances and our house and how nothing seems to be getting better in the way of having a large amount of money in our bank account. But if we did have all those things, what would I lack? The answer is simple: a chance to step out in faith and live my life in a way that might seem weird to others. A chance to lay it all out on the line and trust that God knows oh so much better than I do.

It's a season of soul searching. I am sure it will also be a season of waiting and of being patient even though I want to be nothing but impatient. And it is a season of listening to see where my heart lies and what my passions are.

All of this while I am working towards my goal of 100 pounds lost.

I made that goal for myself. For reasons of health and reasons of selfishness. But I am starting to see that this goal is a goal God has had in mind for several years. Because it's now that I am working towards something, sticking with something and not giving up, that I'm really open to hearing what His heart is for my life.

There's a part of me (a HUGE part) that wants this goal of 100 pounds to come quickly. I want to lose it in six months as they do on The Biggest Loser. I want to step onto the scale and hear clapping from people at the five or seven pounds I lost in one week.

But I know it needs to take time. I need the time to say goodbye to those pounds and time to say goodbye to all of those reasons I got to a point where I needed to lose 100 pounds. I need the time to learn how to listen to my body and also how to listen to God. Because, for me at least, those things are intertwined.

The sermon today touched on rescue and redemption. There was talk of caring for the fatherless and the oppressed. Talk of stepping into someone else's brokenness and of staying with me - and of coming back. It pricked at my heart in such a huge way. Talk of foster care and loving those who need it always does.

Because that's where my heart rests. It's the one thing I want to be connected to for the rest of my life. It's a dream my husband and I share - this dream to care for children who don't have anyone to love them in the case of adoption and this dream to care for families who are broken and need help being put together in the case of foster care.

So often I forget this. I force myself to.  I push it as far out of my mind as I can because it seems like we will never attain it. There is so much against us that it seems like an impossible dream - like it is something I will always have to stand on the sidelines for.

But I was reminded today, as we drove in the car and discussed the sermon, that God always makes a way. We just need to remember His promises. So that's what I am doing for the rest of this Sunday.

Preparing for the week. Cleaning the house. And resting on His promises and the fact that He will always come through - in His time.

(title from "down" by jason walker)

even on my weakest days

picture found here.

I spent the majority of Saturday afternoon sitting in the Academy of Hair Design. It was the first time in months that I treated myself to a cut and color. And while I wasn't so sure about spending money on the cut and color, I knew I needed to do something for myself.

Several weeks ago, I made a list. On this list, I wrote some of the different things I wanted to. One of them was to get my hair cut. I also want to dye it blonde (again), but the blonde is something that will come after I lose these next 85 pounds.

Walking this path to health is not an easy one. It's quite honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm tired by (and sometimes before) 9pm. My entire body aches some days. And there are times when all I really want to do is throw up my hands and say "forget it" and then eat a cheeseburger from Braum's.

I'm not depriving myself. I've done that before, and I know that deprivation will only lead to a crankier than normal self. I also know that if deprivation leads to weight loss it will also just as quickly lead to weight gain. And so, if I wanted a hamburger, I could (and would) get one. But I know how many calories are in a hamburger. As well as how much grease. And it just is not worth it.

So I am rewarding myself. The big reward will come later. Both in healthiness and in clothes. But until then, there will be little things along the way.

Is it rewarding to hear comments? Yes. I'm blessed to have friends and family who support me and remind me on an almost daily basis that I am doing a good job. And while those words mean so much to me, I still need something else just for myself.

It's easy to get lost within this goal. While I recognize that losing 15 pounds in two months is great, I struggle with feeling like it's not quite enough. I understand that losing weight and getting healthy is a slow process. I also understand it is probably better for my body to lose it more slowly, but I lack patience.

I'm a firm believer that God uses situations as learning experiences. And while I'm not always content with where I am, I also know that He places us in certain places for specific reasons.

Right now, He is using this time to teach me patience. He is also doing His best to teach me how to be content with every aspect of my life. I know I am supposed to recognize that His hand is in everything and that He has a purpose for all the frustrations I experience.

I'm not the best student when it comes to patience and contentment. It's not that I'm completely impatient or discontent as much as I am eager to grow and to change and to continue moving forward. It also has to do with how hard I can be on myself because I expect so much out of myself (too much at times).

It's unfair to myself. It's also unfair to those around me because this desore to always grow and always change and always continue to move forward is exhausting and difficult to keep up with. In the past, I would withhold those rewards until I completed everything to my liking. And in the past, I would eventually fail because the standards I would have set would have been far too high.

So along with patience and contentment, I'm learning how to take care of myself. I'm putting myself first and not solely focusing on what I could be doing better. The thoughts of how I need to improve are still there, yes, but they are overshadowed by the thoughts of just how far I have come.

I think one of the things I am the least patient with is exercise. I want to be able to run three miles right now. I don't want to have to work my way up to running three miles. But when I think about how far I have come, I know I am that much closer to being able to run three miles.

This whole journey started at the end of April with a zumba class. There was one class and then another. And I was exhausted by the forty-five minutes spent is zumba. And now, just two months later, my work-out schedule is so much different.

• Monday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM.
• Tuesday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Wednesday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).
• Thursday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Friday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).

I have a ways to go. 85 pounds to be exact. 10-12 months.

But I am getting there. And I am starting to slowly notice changes. Like a definition in my arms. Less cracking and popping my knees. Diminished headaches. Better sleep.

One day at a time, right?

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)