doesn't happen overnight

Last Friday, we said goodbye to our dogs and filled our Ford Fiesta with two duffle bags, one pink suitcase, and a full set of golf clubs. It was the first time we would leave both dogs (under supervision) for more than a night. It was also the first time in almost two years that we would both visit my family.

The break was needed and deserved. The past weeks/monthsyear has been stressful. Not just stressful because we are 25 and 26. But stressful because of everything on top of being 25 and 26.

Before the break, I was struggling. I had maintained my weight loss but hadn't lost any more pounds. I was still exercising but not twice a day at least four days a week. I was watching what I ate but was not recording what went into my mouth.

I stopped writing because there are only so many ways to say I am struggling and then to list my current struggles. My struggles are the same today as they have been through this entire process. So I took time. Needed time. Much needed time. It was time away from the computer and time spent with some of the people who mean the most to me.

The drive to my parent's house took almost nine hours. Generally, it takes a little under eight hours, but several accidents stalled us. We talked. My husband and I. About where we are in life right now. About where we want to be. About what we would do if we could do anything at all. The conversation was just what we needed. Lines of communication opened, and I realized there are certain things I need to stop.

I need to stop complaining. I need to stop focusing on the negative. I need to stop seeing my failures and missing my successes. I need to stop making I need to take more deep breaths. I need to push myself further. I need to see the positives and focus on the positives.

It's not easy to not complain. Human nature is to see those things that are less than perfect and to then concentrate on those things. Before the drive from Oklahoma to Texas, I was aware of my tendency to focus on the negative, but it wasn't until this particular conversation with my husband that I realized just how out of hand the negativity had gotten.

I made a decision during the drive to stop the negativity and begin focusing on the positives. And when there isn't a positive to focus on, my hope is to just remain quiet and keep my complaints to myself. I didn't do a perfect job while on our trip, but I did my best.

Once we arrived in Texas, and at my parent's house, I breathed a sigh of relief. There are many things I love and appreciate about Texas but driving in Dallas and Houston are not things I love and appreciate. But we made it. And once we were settled in, we left from my parent's house to eat real Mexican food.

Dinner that night set the tone for the weekend. We knew there was laughter to look forward to. And lots (and lots) of good food.

Over the weekend, we ate steak, shrimp, and lobster. And that was just dinner. For lunch there were leftovers and amazing hamburgers to be had as well as incredible chicken sandwiches eaten outside and overlooking the bay. For fun, my parent's took us out on the boat and into the bay. Justin golfed with my dad and my brother while my mom and I took a 2.5 mile walk and then pampered ourselves with pedicures. We also saw the Saturn Rocket and meandered through the Rocket Park before meditating/praying while walking a labrynth.

I was off work for the next week, but my husband returned to Oklahoma on Monday. Following his drop off at the airport, my mom and I tackled a large item on my list which was to purchase a new pair of shoes.

I bought running shoes a few months back and had hoped they would work for everything. But with sore knees and aching feet, I realized they weren't doing the trick. I also spoke with the instructor at the Zumba class I attend, and she mentioned that I should look into cross-trainers with a pivot point.

Seven stores later (and a bigger bill than expected), I found a pair of cross trainers. On Tuesday, I ordered a heart rate monitor (a gift from my Nana). I finally had all of the needed items to complete work-outs that pushed me.

I spent my entire time in Houston making better choices with food than I had during vacations in the past. I also completed several work-outs including another 2.5 mile walk/run, swimming laps, and Zumba. 

Since arriving back in Oklahoma on Thursday evening, I've completed two work outs. I've watched what and how much I ate. And I've pushed myself by increasing weights and running on the treadmill. The pushing paid off, and I burned nearly 600 calories in an hour.

So, right now, I feel inspired. I feel strong. I feel like I can do this and that this truly is the time for me to do it. But I know that the inspiration and the strength is easily lost. I was there just a few days ago. 

Inspiration will not always be there. I want it to be, but I am realizing that I can't count on inspiration. I saw a post about motivation while on vacation, and it stated that motivation isn't what a person needs. Instead a person just needs to start and keep going. So that's what I am doing. I am making a plan. And I am going to keep going - whether I want to or not.

So what is my plan? That's for the next post. For now, just know that I am here. I am not stopping. And I am going to kick ass this next week.

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)

even on my weakest days

picture found here.

I spent the majority of Saturday afternoon sitting in the Academy of Hair Design. It was the first time in months that I treated myself to a cut and color. And while I wasn't so sure about spending money on the cut and color, I knew I needed to do something for myself.

Several weeks ago, I made a list. On this list, I wrote some of the different things I wanted to. One of them was to get my hair cut. I also want to dye it blonde (again), but the blonde is something that will come after I lose these next 85 pounds.

Walking this path to health is not an easy one. It's quite honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm tired by (and sometimes before) 9pm. My entire body aches some days. And there are times when all I really want to do is throw up my hands and say "forget it" and then eat a cheeseburger from Braum's.

I'm not depriving myself. I've done that before, and I know that deprivation will only lead to a crankier than normal self. I also know that if deprivation leads to weight loss it will also just as quickly lead to weight gain. And so, if I wanted a hamburger, I could (and would) get one. But I know how many calories are in a hamburger. As well as how much grease. And it just is not worth it.

So I am rewarding myself. The big reward will come later. Both in healthiness and in clothes. But until then, there will be little things along the way.

Is it rewarding to hear comments? Yes. I'm blessed to have friends and family who support me and remind me on an almost daily basis that I am doing a good job. And while those words mean so much to me, I still need something else just for myself.

It's easy to get lost within this goal. While I recognize that losing 15 pounds in two months is great, I struggle with feeling like it's not quite enough. I understand that losing weight and getting healthy is a slow process. I also understand it is probably better for my body to lose it more slowly, but I lack patience.

I'm a firm believer that God uses situations as learning experiences. And while I'm not always content with where I am, I also know that He places us in certain places for specific reasons.

Right now, He is using this time to teach me patience. He is also doing His best to teach me how to be content with every aspect of my life. I know I am supposed to recognize that His hand is in everything and that He has a purpose for all the frustrations I experience.

I'm not the best student when it comes to patience and contentment. It's not that I'm completely impatient or discontent as much as I am eager to grow and to change and to continue moving forward. It also has to do with how hard I can be on myself because I expect so much out of myself (too much at times).

It's unfair to myself. It's also unfair to those around me because this desore to always grow and always change and always continue to move forward is exhausting and difficult to keep up with. In the past, I would withhold those rewards until I completed everything to my liking. And in the past, I would eventually fail because the standards I would have set would have been far too high.

So along with patience and contentment, I'm learning how to take care of myself. I'm putting myself first and not solely focusing on what I could be doing better. The thoughts of how I need to improve are still there, yes, but they are overshadowed by the thoughts of just how far I have come.

I think one of the things I am the least patient with is exercise. I want to be able to run three miles right now. I don't want to have to work my way up to running three miles. But when I think about how far I have come, I know I am that much closer to being able to run three miles.

This whole journey started at the end of April with a zumba class. There was one class and then another. And I was exhausted by the forty-five minutes spent is zumba. And now, just two months later, my work-out schedule is so much different.

• Monday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM.
• Tuesday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Wednesday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).
• Thursday: 10-20 minutes of bicycling, 20-25 minutes of brisk walking with an incline (2.0-4.0), & 5-15 minutes of rowing (AM); 60 minutes of aqua zumba (PM).
• Friday: 10-15 minutes of bicycling/walking & 35 minutes of weight lifting (AM); 60 minutes of deep water aerobics (PM).

I have a ways to go. 85 pounds to be exact. 10-12 months.

But I am getting there. And I am starting to slowly notice changes. Like a definition in my arms. Less cracking and popping my knees. Diminished headaches. Better sleep.

One day at a time, right?

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)

it doesn't happen overnight

picture found here.

"I'm really proud of you," he said.
We were on our way to church. It is our Wednesday night routine now. I was tired and cranky. Still sunburnt from Tuesday's aqua zumba and exhausted from that morning's workout.

"It's a lot to change all at one. To go from nothing to doing so much," he continued.

It is a lot. Sometimes it hits me, like it did last night when my eyes were drooping from exhaustion, and I wonder if I can do it. If it is even worth it. And then a quiet voice tells me I can. Or a loud voice coming from a friend (or a husband - who is also a friend). As much as I don't want to, I need to hear that people see the change and that they are poud; it helps me to remember that I am changing and moving towards the goal I have set.

All of this is about change. It's not just changing my activity level but also changing my nutrition. For me, the working out is a habit that is easy to slip into. It's fun sometimes, too, and comes with perks like new friendships and a tan (thanks to outdoor water classes). But nutrition? Not so much.

Yesterday was a particularly challenging day. No matter how many peaches and strawberries and cucumbers I ae, I could not seem to get full. But I pushed through. I fought against the hunger for as long as I could, but by the time we arrived at the church, I could not fight any longer and the beckoning cheese pizza won.

It's a mistake I hope I never make again. Because I felt sick as soon as I finished. Then, when I arrived home and entered the pizza into the calculator LoseIt provides, I felt even worse. A day of good eating ruined by low willpower and an empty stomach.

I came to work prepared today. Instead of just a cereal bar, I started the day with toasted Sandwich Thins and chunky peanut butter. For a mid-morning snack, I ate a cup and a half of cucumber slices as well as a perfectly ripe peach. There is another peach, ten baby carrotts, and a frozen dinner waiting to see me through the rest of the day.

This is a process. Learning how to eat, following through on healthy choices, making it to the gym at least five days a week (hopefully completing a total of eight workouts a week), and somehow tying everything together for the blog.

There is a part of me that wants to give up. A small part. It's the part that looked in the mirror last night, after the two pieces of pizza, and saw nothing but negative things. Things I don't notice (or choose to ignore) during the times I am being less careful about how I care for myself. It should be opposite. I should see now all the improvements, but I don't. I just see all the areas that need improving.

It's easy to say I want to lose one-hundred pounds total (90 more to go), but it is another thing entirely to actually do it and to not give up. I started this journey aproximately four weeks ago for the upteenth time. Every other time, I have hit a wall and stopped. And I have stopped at just about this point - right when it starts being less exciting and a little more difficult. I've slipped back into the shadows and returned to habits I knew would lead me right back to where I started.

If I am ever quiet, please know I have not given up. I'm probably just asleep on the couch or doing everything I can to stay away from those foods I know will lead to an upset stomach and a possible increase of weight on the scale.

I'm searching for the things that inspire me. Things like blogs and people and television shows. I watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition on Tuesday night (thanks to my DVR) and had goosebumps. She fought and cried and struggled to a weight loss of 160 pounds in a year. She never gave up. She didn't complain. She went after it. Watching her story made me want to go after it even more. And not complain. So here's to hoping the complaints will be few and far between (or non-existant) both on this blog and in my life.

In the midst of all this, I hope you too find the things you are supposed to strive for. Whether it be weight loss or eating out less or sitting down and finishing a story/painting/etc. And I hope we can all meander this journey together.

What do you do when you want to give up? How do you say no to cravings? How do you stay full (both in the hunger sense and in the life sense)? Where do you find your inspiration?

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)