no dreams tonight to interrupt

It seems impossible that just a week ago I was getting ready to head to Texas. It's hard to believe that I've been back in Oklahoma for two full work days so far.

I landed on Sunday afternoon, after a flight filled with turbulence. My husband was rushing to the airport, ready to surprise me with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. My flight landed 15 minutes early, and after getting my luggage from baggage claim, I met him halfway to the parking garage and carried the flowers the rest of the way to the car.

In college, I always wanted someone to pick me up at the airport with flowers or a sign or something equally romantic, but it never happened. Thankfully, it has now.

Also in college, I told everyone that I never wanted to move back to Texas. And at that time, I didn't. I also didn't want to stay in Oklahoma following my graduation from college. Now I would love to move back to Texas.

My main priority right now needs to be health. Spending time in Texas gave me a much needed break from stress, but it also provided me with the opportunity to eat a lot and drink a lot. I loved every moment I spent with my family and enjoyed every glass of wine I drank. But now that I am back in Oklahoma, I'm returning to watching what I eat and adhering to the principles of the South Beach Diet Phase One.

When I'm back in Texas, it's easy. I feel like I fit. There's this sense of loving every bit of the time spent there - rediscovering cities like The Woodlands and Seabrook and imagining myself living there.

The South Beach Diet Phase One is like Texas. I feel like I fit and that it fits me. It's not always easy, but I am rediscovering the foods I can eat and slowly starting to crave some healthy foods rather than just wanting a crispy chicken sandwich from Wendy's or What-A-Burger.

My first craving came on Saturday while I was in Texas. I finished a three-mile walk outside and had a little over an hour to eat lunch and shower before heading to the movies with my parents and aunt. I threw together a mixture of veggies and cut up a piece of grilled salmon to put on top of the salad. It was delicious, and I got another craving for a salad on Monday. While my husband consumed chips and queso for dinner, I ate a Mexican cobb salad.

I purchased all the fixings for a salad on Tuesday when I went to the grocery store, and when I finally sat down to dinner a little after 9:00pm on Tuesday, I did so with a salad that included homemade chicken salad (recipe below).

The recipe calls for 3 cups shredded chicken breasts, but I used two bags of the Tyson diced chicken breast this time around. Next time, I think I would do my best to bake my own chicken and then shred it. I also chopped three stalks of celery and mixed the celery in with the chicken, sour cream, lemon zest, scallions, and parsley. I then served the mixture over romaine lettuce and chopped tomatoes.

It would have been all too easy to grab sushi at the grocery store or stop at Chik-Fil-A for one of their sandwiches. And I thought about doing both those things. The only reason I didn't was that I decided that I needed and wanted to fully commit to eating the way the South Beach Diet instructs.

Phase One is a two-week phase, but the lifestyle of the South Beach Diet is set up in such a way that I can return to Phase One whenever I need to. And since I enjoyed food, cupcakes, and wine while in Texas, I'm sticking with Phase One for another week before reintroducing some fruit and carbohydrates into my diet.

I never really thought I could do this - watch what I eat so closely and eventually begin to prefer healthy food over unhealthy food - just like I never thought I would miss Texas. But the more weight I lose, the more I enjoy the healthy foods and the less I want to eat french fries.

Phase One Friendly Chicken Salad:

Ingredients:

3/4 cup nonfat sour cream

3 scallions, minced

1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh parsley

1/2 teaspoon grated lemon peel

Salt & pepper (to taste)

3 cups shredded cooked chicken breasts (or 12 ounces of already cooked diced chicken breast)

3 stalks of celery, diced (optional)

8 large lettuce leaves

1 roma tomato, diced (optional)

1 cup diced cucumber (optional)

Balsamic vinaigrette dressing (optional)

Directions:

1. In a medium bowl, combine the sour cream, scallions, parsley, lemon peel, and salt and pepper to taste. Toss well to blend.

2. Add the chicken and celery and toss to coat.

3. Serve on a bed of lettuce leaves with tomatoes and cucumber. Drizzle with balsamic vinaigrette dressing.
This recipe makes 4 servings. Each serving contains approximately (calculated using MyFitnessPal): 365 calories, 13g carbohydrates, 27g fat, 24g protein, 9g sugar (does not include cucumber or dressing).

(title from "stay awake" by julia nunes)

doesn't happen overnight

Last Friday, we said goodbye to our dogs and filled our Ford Fiesta with two duffle bags, one pink suitcase, and a full set of golf clubs. It was the first time we would leave both dogs (under supervision) for more than a night. It was also the first time in almost two years that we would both visit my family.

The break was needed and deserved. The past weeks/monthsyear has been stressful. Not just stressful because we are 25 and 26. But stressful because of everything on top of being 25 and 26.

Before the break, I was struggling. I had maintained my weight loss but hadn't lost any more pounds. I was still exercising but not twice a day at least four days a week. I was watching what I ate but was not recording what went into my mouth.

I stopped writing because there are only so many ways to say I am struggling and then to list my current struggles. My struggles are the same today as they have been through this entire process. So I took time. Needed time. Much needed time. It was time away from the computer and time spent with some of the people who mean the most to me.

The drive to my parent's house took almost nine hours. Generally, it takes a little under eight hours, but several accidents stalled us. We talked. My husband and I. About where we are in life right now. About where we want to be. About what we would do if we could do anything at all. The conversation was just what we needed. Lines of communication opened, and I realized there are certain things I need to stop.

I need to stop complaining. I need to stop focusing on the negative. I need to stop seeing my failures and missing my successes. I need to stop making I need to take more deep breaths. I need to push myself further. I need to see the positives and focus on the positives.

It's not easy to not complain. Human nature is to see those things that are less than perfect and to then concentrate on those things. Before the drive from Oklahoma to Texas, I was aware of my tendency to focus on the negative, but it wasn't until this particular conversation with my husband that I realized just how out of hand the negativity had gotten.

I made a decision during the drive to stop the negativity and begin focusing on the positives. And when there isn't a positive to focus on, my hope is to just remain quiet and keep my complaints to myself. I didn't do a perfect job while on our trip, but I did my best.

Once we arrived in Texas, and at my parent's house, I breathed a sigh of relief. There are many things I love and appreciate about Texas but driving in Dallas and Houston are not things I love and appreciate. But we made it. And once we were settled in, we left from my parent's house to eat real Mexican food.

Dinner that night set the tone for the weekend. We knew there was laughter to look forward to. And lots (and lots) of good food.

Over the weekend, we ate steak, shrimp, and lobster. And that was just dinner. For lunch there were leftovers and amazing hamburgers to be had as well as incredible chicken sandwiches eaten outside and overlooking the bay. For fun, my parent's took us out on the boat and into the bay. Justin golfed with my dad and my brother while my mom and I took a 2.5 mile walk and then pampered ourselves with pedicures. We also saw the Saturn Rocket and meandered through the Rocket Park before meditating/praying while walking a labrynth.

I was off work for the next week, but my husband returned to Oklahoma on Monday. Following his drop off at the airport, my mom and I tackled a large item on my list which was to purchase a new pair of shoes.

I bought running shoes a few months back and had hoped they would work for everything. But with sore knees and aching feet, I realized they weren't doing the trick. I also spoke with the instructor at the Zumba class I attend, and she mentioned that I should look into cross-trainers with a pivot point.

Seven stores later (and a bigger bill than expected), I found a pair of cross trainers. On Tuesday, I ordered a heart rate monitor (a gift from my Nana). I finally had all of the needed items to complete work-outs that pushed me.

I spent my entire time in Houston making better choices with food than I had during vacations in the past. I also completed several work-outs including another 2.5 mile walk/run, swimming laps, and Zumba. 

Since arriving back in Oklahoma on Thursday evening, I've completed two work outs. I've watched what and how much I ate. And I've pushed myself by increasing weights and running on the treadmill. The pushing paid off, and I burned nearly 600 calories in an hour.

So, right now, I feel inspired. I feel strong. I feel like I can do this and that this truly is the time for me to do it. But I know that the inspiration and the strength is easily lost. I was there just a few days ago. 

Inspiration will not always be there. I want it to be, but I am realizing that I can't count on inspiration. I saw a post about motivation while on vacation, and it stated that motivation isn't what a person needs. Instead a person just needs to start and keep going. So that's what I am doing. I am making a plan. And I am going to keep going - whether I want to or not.

So what is my plan? That's for the next post. For now, just know that I am here. I am not stopping. And I am going to kick ass this next week.

(title from "a little bit stronger" by sara evans)

and i know you can't stay but i wish you would

picture found here

According to many, home is where the heart is. But what if your heart is in many different places?

I flew out of Oklahoma City on Tuesday afternoon. There was a brief layover in Dallas, and then I landed in Houston. My mom greeted me at the airport. I spent Tuesday evening with my mom and brother. We ate, drank wine, and watched home videos. On Wednesday, my brother went off to work, and my mom and I stayed home. We watched Eat Pray Love, and then, Wednesday evening was a repeat of Tuesday with dinner, wine, and home videos.

Spending time with my family is more rare than I would like. In college, I enjoyed the eight-hour drive between Houston and Oklahoma City. Just a few years later, I despise the eight-hour drive and find myself entertaining the idea of living in Texas. It's not as easy as saying "let's move." There are jobs and houses and a husband and in-laws and dogs in Oklahoma.

My heart is in Oklahoma with my husband and my dogs. We are building a life there. It's not as easy as I want. Sometimes it is so difficult that it seems as though it would be easier to forget everything and move someplace new where we could just start over. But forgetting and starting over is not a pattern we are wanting to follow.

My heart is also in Texas with my parents and my Nana. There's familiarity here. I have a few friends who I miss dearly and would love to be able to call and meet for coffee or dinner on any night of the week. The grocery stores are also better (and cheaper) than the grocery stores in Oklahoma.

But my heart is also in Michigan. It longs for the crashing waves of Lake Michigan, the clear skies, the stars, and the sunsets. When I close my eyes, I see the park near my grandparents house. I can practically smell the fresh corn waiting to be purchased straight from the farm.

During my sophomore year of college, a professor had us think about our writing home. For me, it was Michigan. But what about my other home? What about where my heart is?

I want to have roots. I want to take a deep breath and settle somewhere. I'm trying to settle into a life in Oklahoma, and while many would argue that marriage is putting down roots (and it is in many ways), I still feel myself searching for the best soil for us both to put down roots.

I don't know if there is anything that would make it easier. While I do want to leave Oklahoma and return to Texas, I know it would present a new array of challenges. And I know that some of those challenges would make me long for life in Oklahoma, just as the challenges in Oklahoma make me long for life in Texas.

As a child, I was so ready to grow up. I wanted to move from one stage of life to the next as quickly as I could. Now that I am an adult, I want to move back into previous stages of life. I want to slow down. I want time to sit and contemplate where home is. I want a chance to just breathe and focus on what I want.

But life moves quickly. I go to work and make dinner almost every day. Weekends pass far too quickly. There is so much to catch up on, and while twenty-four hours seems like a good amount of time (in theory), it is never enough. I just can't seem to keep up.

I will board a flight on Monday evening. There will be no layover in Dallas this time. My plane will touch down in Oklahoma City after 5pm. I will be back with my husband and our dogs. Maybe my heart will be there, too. We'll see.

(title from "dance so good" by wakey!wakey!)