wake up and see

picture compliments of diana.

Just shy of a year ago, I made a bold statement and said I wanted to lose 100 pounds. Weight is something I have struggled and fought and lived with for most of my life. And I decided I was sick of struggling and fighting and living with weight. So I started to exercise and slowly started to eat better.

But I never came close to losing 100 pounds. There were excuses like being busy at work, hurting my ankle, being tired, being sick. I could go on and on.

Something happened recently. A few health scares. And no answer other than lifestyle. All those days of being sick and nauseous and tired were caused by the choices I had made. The same choices that brought me to a point in life where I wanted (and needed) to lose close to 100 pounds.

I've tried to pinpoint why this time is different, and I can't really provide any clear reason. I just know that it is.

Still, I am terrified. Terrified to share this journey with the world. Terrified to even take this journey.

I've done it before. Lost the weight. And then I have always gained it back.

I lost it in high school. I didn't use the best methods. And my reasons weren't necessarily related to health. It was about how I looked. And about how others looked at me. To get there, I stopped eating. And I purged. Thankfully I got help before it all got to be too much and I was past the point of a little nudge in the right direction instead of a full blown intervention.

Those days stick with me. Every day. I battle those demons every single day. And for quite some time, I have battled them by going in the complete opposite direction. Instead of not eating, I will eat and eat a lot. It's just as bad as not eating or as purging.

I don't want to go back down that road. I don't want to come anywhere close to it, and so counting calories and exercising is something I have to tread lightly on.

I know I need to not buy ice cream. I have such a huge sweet tooth, especially for the frozen variety, and it is too much of a trigger to eat too much. I also know I need to stop comparing myself. It's fine to ask for advice and to read others stories, but I need to remember that their story will not be my story.

How this journey will end I am not sure. And when the journey will end? I am even less sure.

I say a year. 100 pounds in a year. And it might happen. But if it doesn't happen in a year? I am okay with that, too. I just know it needs to happen at some point. I know that it will happen.

I write this now because tonight I met two fellow Oklahoma bloggers and then a reader. We ate at a restaurant in the city and talked. I was nervous. And maybe a little bit awkward. The comparisons started in my mind almost immediately. And I had to quiet them. I had to remind myself not to give into comparisons and to remember that this journey I am on is just now starting.

picture compliments of lisa.

We took pictures together. And inwardly, I cringed. I've spent quite a bit of time escaping pictures. Of purposefully forgetting my camera. And of purposefully not asking someone to freeze a memory in time.  But I leaned in and smiled.

I won't say that I am perfectly happy with what I saw. Ten pounds lighter, my face is less round. And my smile seems less forced. But there are plenty of other things that need to change.

Still, I saw a girl who was ready. Ready to continue the journey. Ready to not give up. Ready to face the demons of the past and overcome them. Ready to step into the person I am meant to be - the person I want to be.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were ready? What did you do after the realization?


(title from "closer to me" by dar williams)

what can you do with a day

I spent this past weekend doing everything not on my to-do list. This means I didn't get the laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away. I also didn't sweep all the wood floors or dust our windows. And I didn't spend hours writing or reading. Instead, I slept in on Saturday morning and pampered myself with a hair cut and color. I relaxed with my husband that afternoon, and then spent the evening with my sister-in-law and her husband, watching our dogs chase each other around their backyard. We ate homemade venison chili and roasted marshmellows in their firepit. My husband and I went to bed early Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning. We took our time getting ready for church and then spent a relaxing afternoon at his parent's house before a shopping trip to Target.

It's been a long time since we went to Target together. In the past, when our finances were more insecure than secure, we did our best to stay away from luxuries like shopping trips to Target. Even now, with things slowly working themselves out, we struggle with remembering that sometimes it is okay to purchase a new lamp or a candle.

I'm a self-professed shop-a-holic. If I stay away from stores, it's easier because I don't feel the need to shop or spend money, but lately, I've re-acquainted myself with Internet shopping. So far, I have yet to make any real purchases, but I know that clicking through the pretty clothes and shoes is dangerous. Just as even glancing at the real estate listings on Craigslist is dangerous.

I have enough self-restraint to not shop. I also have enough self-restraint and awareness to understand that purchasing a new home is not going to happen now or anytime soon. It's not the purchasing I am worried about; it's the wanting.

My flesh weighs heavy on me, especially when it comes to wanting things. It's always been a struggle for me - this need to shop and to have the next thing. My younger self used shopping as therapy. It was a wonderful way to recover from a bad day, but I've found that shopping as therapy never fixes anything. It only leads to owning more than I need, which eventually leads to stress as I try to figure out what to donate, what to throw away, and what to keep as well as where to store the items I keep.

Yesterday, I didn't need anything we purchased. It was helpful to get new lamps for our bedroom since our dogs knocked our original bedroom lamp over and broke it, along with a vase, on Saturday morning. I didn't need to purchase the pumpkin pie candle or the nail polish. I recognize that. And I also recognize that I am done with shopping for non-necessities for this month. Completely done.

And so, my flesh hangs heavy on me. This is not who I want to be, this person who compares myself and my life and my things to other people and their lives and their things. Life is not a competition, even though I often live it like it is.

I made a decision yesterday that for the month of October I would not look at real estate listings. It's not good for my mind or my soul when I do. Instead, I am going to focus on loving our house and making a list of the improvement projects we will eventually get to. I need a goal to work towards and that goal should (and will) be improving our house - not purchasing a new home.

It's hard to feel positive about much right now. There is so much good, yes, but today my flesh hangs heavy on me. And this morning, I rolled my right ankle on my way out to my car. I sat on the damp grass, my lunch and purse spilling out around me, my coffee thankfully not spilled but sitting in it's mug on the sidewalk. I prayed that I would be okay, and after a few minutes, I stood up. I limped to the car and tossed my belongings into the passenger seat, and then I limped back inside to find a brace for my ankle. The pain was there but tolerable.

I'm at work now. I've spent the majority of the day without shoes on, my ankle propped on a cardboard box sitting on a chair. I've iced it some and limped around the office when needed. It hurts; it's swollen, but so far no bruising. I am just praying it's a sprain and that I'll be healed.

So as I take it easy on wanting things, on searching the Internet and on shopping, I am also taking it easy on my body. There won't be much cleaning of the house this afternoon. There will be no lunchtime workout. There will just be rest and icing and elevation.

The last time I hurt myself was months before I left for China. I tripped and fell over an oversized stuffed duck. There were four broken bones in my right foot, and I was in a walking boot for over six-weeks. I'm praying there will never be another break like that, but I do know that during that time I learned to lean on others for support and spent more time with Jesus than I had in the past.

I know this injury will be used. It might be the catalyst to make me slow down in my daily life and to cease my pridefulness in wanting things done a certain way. Or it just might be a chance for me to further learn about and see how God can heal our brokenness. I'm just praying for a quick recovery, for no further injuries, and for patience on my part.

(title from "closer to me" by dar williams)