a song for a heart so big

wichita mountains, oklahoma. 2006.

My husband and I met on a blind date. I called him when I arrived at Barnes and Noble, and we talked on the phone until we were finally face to face. It was an awkward, movie-like meeting. He held in his hand a book - The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. I didn't pay much attention to the book or to my husband to be honest. I was ready to finish the date and go out with my girlfriends.

I learned later that he bought the book for a friend, the friend who set us up on the blind date to be exact. I also learned later that my husband purposefully purchased the book with me present as a way to impress me. It didn't work then, but I do appreciate the gesture now.

We have a copy of the book. The cover is tattered and worn from my husband reading it. I tried to read it once and then stopped; the book is currently on the floorboard of my car collecting dirt and dust.

Every morning and every afternoon, I see the book in the car. I consider reading it or at least taking it inside after the work day. But I forget to grab it every day. Currently, I am thinking about giving it another chance. I've felt the calling lately to simplify - to really simplify and not just say I need to simplify, and while I know I will not agree with everything in the book (or any book for that matter), I feel like it might be a good start.

I'm far too worried and consumed by the standards of the American dream and how my life measures up. None of it matters, but somehow, I tricked myself into thinking it matters what shoes I wear, how many shoes are in my closet, how often I change my purse, and so one. For years, I shopped when I wanted to or when I felt sad. I used material possession as a way to lift myself up. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work.

I've talked before about simplifying. I've gone so far as to discuss how I can do it, and while I am by no means perfect, I'm slowly getting there. I have not had a drink from Starbucks in over a month. And honestly, I don't miss the vanilla soy lattes. I am perfectly content with the freshly brewed at home coffee and vanilla creamer. I'll miss gingerbread lattes this year, but I don't need them. I also haven't visited Sonic's happy hour in almost a month. There are no new clothes (at least not new in the sense that they were purchased within the last two months) in my closet or new shoes or new purses. I've worn the same purse almost daily for the past two months. It's the little things.

I wish it were easier to not spend money, to be content. And I am sure as more time passes, it will become a bit easier. But right now, it's still a struggle though I am certain that now is the time for me to let go of my love of wordly possessions and find contentment in the things I already have.

It doesn't mean that I just sit at home. I'll still spend weekends at the movies. I'll enjoy a nice dinner out with my husband. In fact, I did all those things this weekend. But it's different because I realize I do not need to do those things in order to be happy.

It's hard to explain, honestly. How do I go from loving fashion and shopping and all those things to suddenly figuring our that none of it really matters? How do I go from feeling like I need a pedicure once a month to deciding to paint my own toenails, even if I do get polish all over my feet? How do you go from eating out 75% of the time to cooking at home and actually eating the lunch you bring to work? It's a choice - just like everything else in life.

There is a quote I have displayed (somewhere) in our house that says the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least. When I purchased the plaque, I thought it was a nice idea; that was years ago. The truth in those words is finally beginning to resonate.

At the end of the day, nothing we have on earth is ours. It won't go with us when we die. And while, yes, things can make our lives more comfortable, things also lead to this need to have more and more and more. Things also lead to the need to compare ourselves to others.

My house might not be the nicest. There is a constant draft, and the floors creak and moan. The house itself is leaning to the left; the floors slope. We're constantly cold in the winter. But this is the house I have. And at least I have a house. The same can be said for everything else.

I probably won't be a revolutionary like Shane Claiborne. I might not (and probably won't) give up everything I won. But I can at least continue to remind myself of what matters in this world. I can at least lift up the things that will always remain with me.

So here I go with my adventure - the adventure of not spending and not looking and not wanting. Will it be hard? Yes. Will I whine? Yes. Can I do it? Yes.

Here's to hoping you also discover the things that matter most to you. Let me know if you need accountability. I am sure I will.

(title from "hear you me" by jimmy eat world)

what can you do with a day

I spent this past weekend doing everything not on my to-do list. This means I didn't get the laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away. I also didn't sweep all the wood floors or dust our windows. And I didn't spend hours writing or reading. Instead, I slept in on Saturday morning and pampered myself with a hair cut and color. I relaxed with my husband that afternoon, and then spent the evening with my sister-in-law and her husband, watching our dogs chase each other around their backyard. We ate homemade venison chili and roasted marshmellows in their firepit. My husband and I went to bed early Saturday night and slept in on Sunday morning. We took our time getting ready for church and then spent a relaxing afternoon at his parent's house before a shopping trip to Target.

It's been a long time since we went to Target together. In the past, when our finances were more insecure than secure, we did our best to stay away from luxuries like shopping trips to Target. Even now, with things slowly working themselves out, we struggle with remembering that sometimes it is okay to purchase a new lamp or a candle.

I'm a self-professed shop-a-holic. If I stay away from stores, it's easier because I don't feel the need to shop or spend money, but lately, I've re-acquainted myself with Internet shopping. So far, I have yet to make any real purchases, but I know that clicking through the pretty clothes and shoes is dangerous. Just as even glancing at the real estate listings on Craigslist is dangerous.

I have enough self-restraint to not shop. I also have enough self-restraint and awareness to understand that purchasing a new home is not going to happen now or anytime soon. It's not the purchasing I am worried about; it's the wanting.

My flesh weighs heavy on me, especially when it comes to wanting things. It's always been a struggle for me - this need to shop and to have the next thing. My younger self used shopping as therapy. It was a wonderful way to recover from a bad day, but I've found that shopping as therapy never fixes anything. It only leads to owning more than I need, which eventually leads to stress as I try to figure out what to donate, what to throw away, and what to keep as well as where to store the items I keep.

Yesterday, I didn't need anything we purchased. It was helpful to get new lamps for our bedroom since our dogs knocked our original bedroom lamp over and broke it, along with a vase, on Saturday morning. I didn't need to purchase the pumpkin pie candle or the nail polish. I recognize that. And I also recognize that I am done with shopping for non-necessities for this month. Completely done.

And so, my flesh hangs heavy on me. This is not who I want to be, this person who compares myself and my life and my things to other people and their lives and their things. Life is not a competition, even though I often live it like it is.

I made a decision yesterday that for the month of October I would not look at real estate listings. It's not good for my mind or my soul when I do. Instead, I am going to focus on loving our house and making a list of the improvement projects we will eventually get to. I need a goal to work towards and that goal should (and will) be improving our house - not purchasing a new home.

It's hard to feel positive about much right now. There is so much good, yes, but today my flesh hangs heavy on me. And this morning, I rolled my right ankle on my way out to my car. I sat on the damp grass, my lunch and purse spilling out around me, my coffee thankfully not spilled but sitting in it's mug on the sidewalk. I prayed that I would be okay, and after a few minutes, I stood up. I limped to the car and tossed my belongings into the passenger seat, and then I limped back inside to find a brace for my ankle. The pain was there but tolerable.

I'm at work now. I've spent the majority of the day without shoes on, my ankle propped on a cardboard box sitting on a chair. I've iced it some and limped around the office when needed. It hurts; it's swollen, but so far no bruising. I am just praying it's a sprain and that I'll be healed.

So as I take it easy on wanting things, on searching the Internet and on shopping, I am also taking it easy on my body. There won't be much cleaning of the house this afternoon. There will be no lunchtime workout. There will just be rest and icing and elevation.

The last time I hurt myself was months before I left for China. I tripped and fell over an oversized stuffed duck. There were four broken bones in my right foot, and I was in a walking boot for over six-weeks. I'm praying there will never be another break like that, but I do know that during that time I learned to lean on others for support and spent more time with Jesus than I had in the past.

I know this injury will be used. It might be the catalyst to make me slow down in my daily life and to cease my pridefulness in wanting things done a certain way. Or it just might be a chance for me to further learn about and see how God can heal our brokenness. I'm just praying for a quick recovery, for no further injuries, and for patience on my part.

(title from "closer to me" by dar williams)

everything that was taken can be restored

I'm rediscovering a love for my house. This happens periodically. At times, I hate it. I hate the sloping floors, the tilting ceiling, the worries that go along with the knowledge that our foundation needs to be fixed. I hate how dusty it gets, how often I have to sweep, how dirty the baseboards always are, and it goes on.

But I also love the wood floors. I love how many windows are in the house. I love how open it is. I love that even with all it's negatives it feels like home. I've prayed about our house situation time and time again. I've asked for a miracle. I've begged for the money to fix the house. I fully believe money can miraculously appear in our bank account, and I fully believe God could miraculously strengthen the foundation. But it doesn't truly matter if He does or does not because I know that He could.

We know we will likely need to take out a large loan to fix the house. We're scared of doing this, but we know it is necessary. We hope that the loan will be large enough to cover our current credit card debt so that in five years we can be debt free (other than the house). Just last night, after celebrating our anniversay with dinner out and dessert at home, we discussed how with this new job we will need to keep one another accountable with not eating out, with not going out so that we can afford to fix the home and become debt free.

So often, my husband and I go out because we are tired of being in our house with no one else to talk to. We long for community, to have friends over and play board games. We desperately want to have potluck dinners at our house. But we've been weary of doing those things because of our house. At least, that is my excuse.

I don't take as much pride in the house as I should. Even with all it's issues, our home is still a blessing. It provides a roof over our heads, shields us somewhat from the cold and fully from the rain. It is a place we can lay our heads down and feel safe. It's where we started our family of four. It is our home even with all the problems and annoyances.

I want to take pride in our home. I truly do. I want to stop comparing it to the homes of our other friends and wishing we had waited or thought harder about the purchase. I believe this is where God wants us, but I also believe He did His best to warn us previously that this house would not be the easiest to own.

Our closing barely happened. We were set to move out of our apartment and were not quite sure where we would be moving to. At the time, I chocked this up to the real estate industry. I do remember wondering if it was a sign that this was not meant to be and thought about backing out, but then everything came together and we were homeowners. I think it was God's way of preparing us for the hardships that would follow but also showing us that things will work out in the end.

I've talked before about how similar the house and the work it requires is to humans and the work we require. The similarities still surprise me. God is a carpenter, a true craftsman, but we are not always the best subjects.

I am determined, though, to take His blessings and enjoy them. I am determined to be content in our house. I am determined to dust, sweep, vaccum, and fluff pillows at least once a week. I am determined to invite people over and not be embarassed. I am determined to love the house even when it does not love me (which it often does not).

It is easy to wallow in our circumstances, and sometimes I do. Sometimes I struggle with seeing any sort of shining light, but recentl, God has been constant in meeting me where I am. He has shown up every single time and reminded me that He has everything under control and that even though I might feel alone I am not.

I wouldn't have any determination or fight left in me were it not for Him.

As we enter this new chapter of our lives (our third year of marriage, two steady paychecks, seriously considering home repair), much will change. And I will need to hold myself even more accountable than normal.

Most people make new years resolutions on January 1 and then forget them by January 2, myself included. This year, I am making my resolutions to go along with our current place in life. Here's to our new chapter and what I plan to do/change.

1. get back into a workout routine.
2. cook at least five meals (for dinner) a week at home.
3. bring my lunch to work (and eat what i bring) five days a week.
4. invite people over more often.
5. clean the house a little everyday.
6. throw out the unncessary objects.
7. drink coffee/tea from home - not starbucks or mcdonalds.
8. put away laundry the day i wash it.
9. stick to my grocery list.
10. play more board games with my husband.
11. read more.
12. finish editting my novel and then begin rewriting it.
13. blog at least five times a week.
14. find more blogs to read and invest in.
15. leave comments on the blogs i read.
16. take more pictures.
17. stop looking at expensive houses i can not afford and make my house truly into a home.
18. create more.
19. tend to my garden.
20. limit my complaints to four a week (and hopefully not that many).
21. smile.
22. have grace with myself and with others. (thanks, kat.)

(title from "feel this" by bethany joy galeotti)

a breeze in the still august air

It's easy to concentrate on struggle, on what is not happening, and so often, I lose track of what is happening. I don't want to do that. I want to focus both on struggle and on blessing. I want to remember the things God does, the way He blesses us in little ways that can be so easy to miss.

In the past week, God has done many little things, things that will help us so much in the short and long run. He provided my husband with three job interviews. As much as we are ready for a permanent situation to come out of an interview, I am thankful for the interviews because they remind me us not to give up hope (even though we often want to). There is a possibility for a fourth interview this week as well.

We also received a check this afternoon from the US Treasury. 2009 resulted in us owing a hefty amount to the government, an amount we somehow overpayed, and this afternoon, we received a check of the overpayment. It couldn't have come at a batter time. I also was able to babysit on Saturday night, which was both enjoyable and again offered a small cushion.

We have been praying for a monetary cushion, and while we may not receive as large a cushion as we desire, I am so grateful for every little bit. It helps. All of it. And I know God will provide us with the exact amount we need.

We are also blessed with two amazing families. My parents are kind, loving, and sincere. They support my decisions and believe in me endlessly. My husband's parents are the same. It is hard to fathom that God decided to bless us both with such wonderful families. So many dread spending time with their in-laws, and I never do. I am so thankful to have them in my life, and I could not have asked for better relatives across the board.

There is still much that needs to happen. There is still much to wonder about, to question, to worry about, but there is not much to agonize over. God is in control; He is answering our prayers to see His glory with these little gifts. He is providing just enough, which has been our prayer. We don't need excess; we need enough. I am so thankful that we have enough right now.

Through this season, we are learning so much about ourselves, about each other, about God, and about the church (and Church). As my husband stated yesterday afternoon, we would not be in this season of learning and of being receptive to God if it were not for the struggles.

I am thankful for our blessings. I am thankful (or trying to be) for our struggles as well. I know God is working through all of this. He is making all of this for His good as well as for our good and our joy. And I am excited (also a little nervous) to see what else He will do as well as to see where our lives will lead following this season.

(title from "brooklyn blurs" by the paper raincoat)

wearing weary like it's a second skin

In previous posts, I have mentioned that we are struggling. I haven't gone into open details here, but I've offered some explanation to a few people. I'm not ready to put every detail on this site. One because I am not ready to resign myself, yet, that this is the way things are and will remain. Two because I am still unsure of how to truly communicate the struggle, and three because my hope is that God will miraculously fix our current situation and allow me to share all the details and outcomes for His glory.

Even if there is not a miracle, He will be glorified. Even if we continue to struggle, there will be a reason. I remind myself of these things constantly. I know, in my heart, how true these statements are, but I struggle with understanding of His ways. Of course, that is why it is His way and not mine.

We attend Frontline Church on Sunday mornings, and for the past three Sundays, the discussion and sermon was been on prayer. Previously, there was a several month long series on the story of David. So much of David's story resonates with our story in the fact that he knew what he was being called to, and yet he was led on a path that led him further and further away from his destiny until God decided it was time. Once God decided it was time, David stepped into his role as king and began one of the most important lineages in history.

Stopping the series to discuss prayer was what I needed. I know the decision was not made solely to meet my needs, but still, it did. I've struggled recently with how to pray. I've struggled recently with knowing if it is even worthwhile to pray. I have also struggled recently with seeing the point in prayer. I felt so desperate and trapped in our situation that I was ready to give up and allow the situation to dictate my life.

But my eyes have been opened recently. Both by the current series on prayer as well as Eat Pray Love and a friend of mine who sent me words of wisdom. Whether I have been listening or not, God has recently been speaking to me. I just have to take the time to pray and understand His lessons.

A friend of mine sent me an email this morning the book of Habakkuk. She pointed me in the direction of the first chapter and said she'd recently heard a lesson preached on this chapter. Her words were: "When Habakkuk is crying out to the Father, God responds that He is already doing something behind the scenes that if He told Habakkuk he wouldnt believe Him. Also He said in these times, we must cling to what we know about God: He is eternal, He keeps His covenant, He is sovereign, He is powerful and reliable, righteous and just, and He is our rock. When He says no or wait, He has a greater Yes."

I've heard "wait" recently. I have also heard "something will happen" and "it will work out" along with "God has a plan." The words are true enough, but it's quite frustrating to hear the same phrase repeatedly and to wonder if the words carry any real weight or if they are just words.

Habakkuk 1 shows they are not just words. Habakkuk cries out "How long, O LORD, must I call for help, but You do not listen?" God's response is "Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." God doesn't give a timeline. He does not tell Habakkuk that the suffering will end, but He responds and lets Habakkuk know his prayers, his frustrations, his cries are heard.

I believe He has been doing the same thing for me and for us. But I haven't been willing to listen. I have brushed aside many words of wisdom. I have focused on how terrible our situation is. I have focused on how I feel it will never improve. I have allowed the anxiety and consuming thoughts to terrorize me.

But I am putting my foot down, now. I am listening to His words. I am listening to the words others say. I am falling back on His promises that He will make a way. Many doors have been opened for us, and even more doors have been shut in our face. But there is always a dusty, barely cracked window when we need it most.

So I am leaning into Him. I am doing my best to pray in such a way that reminds myself that He is ultimately in control. I am asking for peace and for direction. I am asking to hear from Him. I am praying still for certain things, knowing He will provide, and I am keeping my eyes open. As was said on Sunday at church, God will always provide the things you need and ask for, but sometimes, His provisions do not look the way we expect. But they are still His provisions.

(title from "the house you're building" by audrey assad)

planets are in motion and galaxies are bright

In the past, when I visited my parents, I would often talk of life as a social worker. I would not give all the details, because that would be illegal and go against the idea of confidentiality, but I talked enough about the line of work that they had a small idea of what I experienced. Life as a social worker was anything but glamorous. It was heartbreaking, challenging, sad, frightening, and... well, a lot of other things.

My dad would usually say "you've seen a different side of life." And he was right.

Growing up, I knew nothing of hardship or struggle. I thought I did, but I was a teenage girl; and the things I experienced as that teenage girl were not exactly hard. The only real struggles I saw and experienced came right out of a Lifetime made for TV movie, and those struggles are more for entertainment than anything else.

Without hardship or struggle, I began to covet material possessions. It was not, by any means, something my parents assisted with. I never received a Coach bag or Abercrombie and Fitch blue jeans I loved so dearly. If I had any of those items, it was due to my earning and spending money. My parents did their best to show me that material possessions weren't the key to happiness or success, but I was a teenage girl and therefore did not listen.

After all, at 15 (and 16, 17, and 18), I knew best; they did not.

It took me several years to even begin to learn that material possessions mattered not at all. When I would begin to understand and grasp the listen, something would happen, and I would turn right back to the world of "stuff." 

It was a empty way of filling myself up. I knew it, and so did the people who mattered most to me. But it seemed to be the only way I knew how to fill myself up. I called it retail therapy and jokingly stated that it was cheaper than actual therapy, which is not true. At least with real therapy, you can pay for it with non-taxed money in a Flex Savings Account; Target does not offer a tax free charge card.

And so now, after years of filling my life, my closet, and my drawers with clothes, shoes, books, and DVDs, I am finding it increasingly hard to bid farewell to material possessions. As I strive to not desire more stuff, I find it harder to turn away from sales and coupons.

I've realized just how little material possessions matter. After all, the material possessions are why my husband and I have credit card debt. The material possessions are part of the reason we do not have the extra money to fix our house, and the material possessions are part of the reason I feel (at times) stuck inside of my house due to a lack of finances for going out.

We own a 80+ year old house. It is a home we rushed into purchasing last January, a home we walked through and instantly felt at home and then ignored some rather large warning signs regarding why it might not have been the best purchase.

I'm learning to accept that our foundation is cracking. I am learning to laugh and then sigh (and then grit my teeth but force a smile) at the cracks in our walls. I am striving to be thankful that we have 1600 square feet of a space and a mortgage we can afford, even if the windows are drafty and need to be replaced. There are so many people without a roof and four walls that would love this home. It's because of my past relationships with material possessions that I struggle with our home now.

It's not just that I want a home, but I want a wonderful home, one with no problems and no shortcomings. I want a wonderful home that costs both an arm and a leg (and probably another body part) that others will fall in love with and be jealous of.

I want these things, and I can't say why exactly. It doesn't matter that the house is perfect. It doesn't need to be. I am 24-years-old; I can not have everything I could possibly want just yet.

But I have always been the sort of person to purchase what I want when I want it and then deal with he consequences later. Right when things would get tough, I would hold up my hands and repent, but months later, I would be back where I had started. Sometimes it wouldn't even take months.

So this time I am gritting my teeth and cutting up my credit cards. I am biting my tongue and not shopping online. I am staying away from Target, other than getting the necessary groceries, and I am deleting most of the emails I get from my favorite stores, regaling my with their sales. It's working, for now, but I can feel the itch of an empty hole to fill.

I'd rather make sure my home was safe and enjoy my life with my husband and our two dogs. I want to be faithful with my finances and my giving so that it will multiply. God has been faithful thus far with our finances, even without our being completely faithful, and how wonderful it will be to see Him be faithful to us when we are faithful to Him.

And it will be wonderful. I just wish it weren't so hard.

Of course, if it were easy, I'd probably not appreciate the smaller and simpler things in life as much as I do.

(title from "you're beautiful" by phil wickham)