something told me to run

picture found here.

I fell asleep before 10pm last night. After the previous night's limited sleep and an early morning work out, I was exhausted and cranky and needed a reprieve from the world. I think the world also needed a reprieve from me.

I woke up, for the first time, around 4:00am. My eyes were blurry, and my feet barely lifted from the floor as I moved from our bedroom and into the kitchen. Somehow I made the coffee and tossed lunch and a snack into a lunch sack for my husband. We shared a quick kiss, and I stumbled back into our bedroom. The moment my head touched the pillow I fell back into a deep sleep. The kind of sleep that swallows you whole and makes you forget there is an outside world.

There was a window of ninety minutes between the time my head touched the pillow and the time my alarm would sound. I hoped it would be enough sleep but thought it wouldn't be.

My alarm went off once, and I immediately hit the snooze button. The second time it sounded I forced myself out of bed. I let the dogs out and moved into the kitchen. Each step helped me wake up a little more. Every blink cleared away the sleep I thought would swallow me whole until it was time to leave for work.

Minutes later, I was out the door with good company by my side and iPod in hand.

After two weeks of not lifting weights, every muscle in my body ached. Rather than pushing myself past my limit, I depended on a heavy dose of cardio with fifty crunches thrown in at the end.

When I first started exercising, I barely sweated. I thought it was my body's composition. Then I started to drink more water, and slowly, but surely, more sweat appeared. Still, though, it didn't seem like much. And what I figured out today was that it wasn't much because I wasn't fully pushing myself enough.

So I pushed myself. I pushed myself with walking on the treadmill with an incline. I pushed myself while on the stationary bicyle by increasing the level and moving my legs no matter how much they hurt. And even though I was tired, I felt even better than I had the day before.

And it hit me. As I sat on the couch waiting for the air conditioner repain man to arrive at my house (and then to finish servicing the unit), I realized that I finally broke through my wall. A week after writing about it, I finally broke through it.

I don't know when the last time was that I broke through a wall. In the past, I would hit a wall and then try for a few more days. Then, I would decide it wasn't worth trying (because it wasn't working anyways) and stop. But this time? This time I didn't stop even though I wanted to.

I felt lighter a few days ago. But today I feel even lighter. And more excited. After weeks of feeling like nothing was happening, and even wondering if it were possible for me to lose 100 pounds, I now know that it is possible.

It's another small moment. A much needed reminder that all of this is worth it - so very worth it.

And these small moments.. Some of them come by chance and by the grace of God. Others come by choice. Choices like snacking on dried cranberries instead of riding the elevator downstairs and then driving in the car to Sonic for a chocolate milkshake. Choices like eating half of a reuben sandwich for dinner instead of gobbling the entire sandwich down.

I miss eating as much as I want to. It's odd to post that here. Almost as if that's one of the things you aren't supposed to say. Why do I miss it? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because it's just what I did for so long. Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting to this new healthier lifestyle.

But what I don't miss is how I would feel after eating as much as I wanted to. Not just how I physically felt (bloated) but how I felt emotionally (dealing with whatever it was that made me want to eat the much to begin with) as well.

It's a balance. A balance of waking up early to go to the gym and sleeping in late to let me body rest and heal. A balance of eating what I want but not overindugling just because I want to. A balance of counting calories but not obsessing over the numbers. A balance of walking on the treadmill and lifting weights.

And that balance? The one that is so hard to obtain. It is the reason I finally broke through the wall.

There will be other walls. I know that. But now that I broke through the first one, I feel ready to face the next one when it comes. I just hope I have a few weeks worth of a break before I have another wall to break through.

(title from "where i stood" by missy higgins)

blaming the machine

I bought a new domain today. My blog is now officially at http://bodywontbreak.com. It should be a joyous occassion, and is in many ways, but I somehow deleted all of the previous comments through IntenseDebate. And while trying to fix it, I somehow deleted my original IntenseDebate account. So the site? It's going through growing pains. I'm going through growing (well, really, shrinking) pains too. If you know more than I do about HTML, I would love your help. I need your help. And if you don't know much about HTML, please be patient. I will do my best to fix the mistakes I've made. And also know I read every single comment ever left (and still have them saved in my email so I might copy and paste them all into their respective posts) and appreciated all the words.

For now, it's time to sleep. And then another early morning work out at the gym. I hope to be back tomorrow with real words to share and lots of thoughts on how I feel at the present moment in this journey. Trust me when I say it is almost 100% good. And trust me when I say I feel like I am unstuck. Though I am hesitant to say of it too loudly for fear I might jinx myself.

(title from "tightrope" by janelle monae)

hold my head up high

picture found here.

Every day, I drive thirty minutes from my house to my office. The gym I typically attend is within walking distance of my office, which is why I am often able to spend my lunch breaks in the pool either swimming laps or participating in aqua zumba or deep water aerobics. It's a great asset to my current position, but on the weekends, it means I can't spend time at the gym because it is not worth the gas (or the time).

I struggle on the weekends. Both with eating and with activity. Especially right now when it is already 100 degrees outside at noon. I knew I needed a solution to the problem, and so, a few weeks ago, I began searching for a cheap (no more than $20 a month) gym membership.

After a lot of searching and a lot of discussion with my husband, I found a local gym that offers memberships for $10 a month. Following an 8-hour day of work, I took myself to the gym and signed the paperwork. Tomorrow will be my first day working at my second gym.

Work is also changing and getting busier. There are more meetings to attend, and for the next few months, several days a week will not allow a lunchtime workout. Add to that the fact that the meetings will occur five minutes from my house and not five minutes from my office, and it only made sense for me to find and agree to a second gym membership.

One of my favorite things about the gym that I signed up at is that it is directed to people just starting the work out routine and to those wanting to stay fit. There is an almost endless row of cardio machines and classes offered throughout the day that teach you how to use machines. I'm often so overwhelmed at the gym near my office as so many of the people are more in shape than I am.

It's silly to be insecure. I've talked to several people who have agreed that I have no reason to be insecure. A friend of mine even told me that seeing people who aren't fully fit at the gym inspires her. Her exact quote (thanks to my text message memory) was: "When I see someone at the gym who is overweight and working hard...I get really happy. It's so inspiring to me to see people going out there regardless of anything and just doing it."

I know she is right. And it makes me happy that I am getting out and exercising no matter what. But I still struggle with feeling comfortable on the machines and especially with free weights in hand. I hope that one day I will feel comfortable. That it won't always be back in the mind that I don't know what I am doing. And that I won't compare myself and my work out to everyone else around me.

But being in the gym this afternoon? I didn't feel like I would need to compare myself to others. There is an opportunity for personal training, and even at 5:45pm, plenty of machines were available for use.

I'm so close. Yes, there are still 79.6 pounds to lose, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will make it. There is nothing standing in my way, especially now that I have the opportunity to attend two gyms.

I felt it at work today. Nothing specific occurred, but as I walked up a flight of stairs, I noticed that I wasn't short of breath and that my knees didn't crack or hurt with every step I took. And I felt lighter all day. Both physically and mentally and spiritually.

And I needed this. The weight loss. The lightness. A solution to the problem of not doing something active during the weekends. A second gym membership that will keep me from ever having any excuses to not exercise.

I always think about the big moments of this journey. A new dress bought. Before and after pictures. The possibility of a new wardrobe. But the small moments - like walking up the stairs - mean so much, if not more than, the big moments.

The big moments don't happen so often. But the small moments? Those can happen on a daily basis. And they do happen on a daily basis; I just have to be open and receptive to the small moments.

Starting the day, I should have known that something would happen - that something would click. Because the day started with an email that included a verse. The verse was Jeremiah 33:3 which says "Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come."

And I asked. Quietly. Almost afraid of hearing no response. But I asked. And He responded. With a small moment - a moment that reminded me that even if I don't think it, He is always present and always working.

A moment that reminded me that He will always keep His promises - even when I wonder.

(title from "think good thoughts" by colbie caillat)

the wonders of my world

Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

That quote came to mind last Saturday, and it has remained at the forefront of my mind since. It's a thought I am wrestling with and wondering about.

I've always wanted to fit in. And sometimes I did. Other times, I didn't. Eventually my desire to fit in turned into not caring. I decided that since I would never fit in, I just didn't care at all. Not about myself or what others thought. It started in junior high and carried through to the remainder of my life.

There were moments of doing everything I could to fit in. I would say that I didn't care, but deep down, I did. I cared too much about what others thought. And it led me on a path that I wish I had never taken - a path of rejection and heartbreak and frustration.

I can point to several different periods of time that took me from being carefree to worrying over what others thought then to not carrying about anything and back to worrying over what others thought. Some of the periods of time I had control over. Others I did not.

I was born with ABS (amniotic band syndrome). It was seen in my hands. My left hand had webbing between the fingers, not fully formed fingers, and a missing nail on my ring finger. On my right hand, my middle finger is missing a nail.

At the age of 26, no one really notices. At the age of 26, I recognize that it doesn't really matter and that others have it worse than me. But when I was going to school on the first day of kindergarten and then first grade and onwards, it mattered more than anything. Because in a world where all you want is to fit in, I stood out without trying.

I was born to stand out. Knitted together in my mother's womb, I was designed to be the way I am - missing fingernails and all.

And I'm accepting that fact. More than that, though, I am learning to love the differences and to appreciate the beauty in them. I am also learning to love who I am and to put my faith and trust on who I was created to be and not what the world created me to be.

It's been a long journey to get to a point where I can even consider the fact that I want to stand out. And I am sure I have farther to go in the journey before I am completely comfortable with standing out.

But I am getting there.

And I think for the first time in a long while I am piecing myself back together. Or rather God is helping me to piece myself back together. I was never good at puzzles without a picture to compare to, and right now, that's what I am. There have been glimpses of myself, yes, but of the whole self... that is something I am currently seeking.

It hit me this weekend that I was on the journey to figuring it out. Not just who I am on the inside but how that will reflect on the outside.

Everything started on Saturday with a trip to the eye doctor and a new prescription for contacts. In recent months, I hid behind glasses, but I decided, finally, that I was ready to stop hiding and got contacts. Then I went to Target in search of sunglasses and purchased a pair of bright yellow aviator sunglasses (if they don't make me stand out, I don't know what would.)

And finally, it ended with a trip to Old Navy.

This is hard to admit, but I promised myself that I would be honest with this journey so I won't hold back. The last time I actually shopped at Old Navy and tried clothes on actually expecting them to fit? I don't remember when it was. And I honestly expected the same to occur during this shopping trip.

I loaded myself with dresses of the XXL size. I picked a few that were XL but not many as I didn't expect there to be a need for any size other than the largest. And much to my surprise (and excitement), the XXL fell off of me. Even some of the XL dresses were a bit too big in places. But I found one. A dress from Old Navy that wasn't the biggest size in the store. So I bought it.

I said the dress was brought to me by 19 pounds lost. And on Saturday, it might have been, but as of 12:00pm today, the dress was brought to me by 20.4 pounds lost. I am officially over one-fifth of the way to my goal of losing 100 pounds.

And I am starting to be okay with standing out. I am starting to be okay with putting together the puzzle that is myself and figure out who the real me is underneath the layers I once hid from.

So why was I trying so hard to fit in when I was born to stand out? I don't know, but I do know that from now on I am okay with standing out.

(title from "hometown glory" by adele)