weight loss wednesday (week 9)

Today’s Weight: 222

Total Loss: 43 (I lost 2 pounds over the past week!)

What I craved this week: Jason's Deli frozen yogurt. Which I have eaten when I've had lunch (or dinner) there. I've done really well with only having one serving of frozen yogurt, and I have slowly diminished the size of the serving. I haven't eaten anything fried in over a week, and I do not miss it. I've heard lots of people say that once the food is out of your system it gets easier. I never really let it get out of my system, but now I understand.

I don't think making good choices is always easy. Take Tuesday for example. I had lunch with a friend. She ate a margharita pizza while I stuck to half a salad and soup. I would have preferred pizza, but I enjoyed the soup and salad. And I knew I was making the right choice for me.

We went to dinner Tuesday night as well at a local restaurant that specializes in hamburgers and pizza. Again I would have loved pizza. Or a burger with french fries. But I wasn't craving it. And I didn't need it. So I enjoyed a turkey sandwich with avocado, a cup of baja chicken tortilla soup, and a cup of steamed veggies. And I felt full. It's great to feel full while fueling my body with good food.

One day I will be able to moderate how much I eat, but right now, I want to eat as much as possible so healthy choices it is!

What I noticed was different about my body: My stomach isn't super bloated by the end of the day. This is huge for me. I am so used to it being much bigger at the end of the day when compared to the mornings. But when I eat better and drink better (no fried foods and no diet soda), my stomach tends to stay about the same size which I love.

My waist is also getting smaller. My legs stronger as well. I love being able to see the changes. But there are other changes I feel but don't see. Like I know my body better. I know what I need to do to burn calories. And I know I have to push myself more because I am capable. No more fear standing in my way.

And... I lost two pounds this week. Did I already mention that? I think I am a little (okay a LOT) excited!

Workouts planned for this week: I completed a total of five work-outs last week. This week I am hoping for six. I'd like to continue to incorporate more strength training as well. I plan to continue with an ab, butt and thigh work-out I pinned and to hopefully find more arm work-outs. I'm ready to see more muscles and less flab! I would also like to complete at least two 5K's on the elliptical as I completed one 5K on the elliptical on Tuesday of last week (aka yesterday).

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Continue to track. I hate tracking. But I know it works. I do not limit my calories well, and I'm not the best at "guessing" how many calories everything has. Tracking takes all the guesswork out and forces me to stay where I need to be. I would also like to have at least three days where I burn over 3000 calories. Burning that many calories leaves me with a very nice sized deficit which is exactly what I need to see weight loss on the scale. I had two days of over 3000 calories burned, and I loved how accomplished it made me feel.

I would also like to schedule a time to hit the pool. I swam for years, and I know how good of a work out it provides. I would really like to spend at least 30-minutes every week swimming away the pounds. It's up to me to decide when to do this and how to fit it in. I'm going to make sure to do it this week; I am (currently) hoping I can fit it in early Friday mornings.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: "Transformation is not five minutes from now; it's a present activity. In this moment you can make a different choice, and it's these small choices and successes that build up over time to help cultivate a healthy self-image and self-esteem." - Jillian Michaels

What I'm looking forward to: Working out more. And feeling it the next day. One of my favorite, and least favorite, parts about working out with a trainer was how sore I was the next day. Being sore meant I had pushed myself the day before. Now it's up to me to push myself - without getting hurt. I can't wait to feel (and see!) the effects of pushing myself more each day.

grow tall and strong and proud

On Sunday afternoon, we loaded up our car and headed to Norman, OK to walk a small trail. My knee was throbbing for some reason, so my mother-in-law joined us and handled one of our dogs while my husband handled the other dog.

Walking the trail was beautiful. I needed the chance to get outside and move. I was able to just enjoy activity and movement instead of focusing solely on hitting a certain number of calories burned as I so often do when I put in my twenty or thirty minutes on the elliptical.

The hardest part of the trail, for me, was not holding onto a leash for the majority of the walk. I so easily get nervous when walking our dogs that I lock my knees. And I worry about every bump in the road, every tug on the leash, every jerk the dogs make.

And I didn't run. I watched my husband, my mother-in-law, and my two dogs run on ahead of me while I stayed back and walked. I thought about running, but I was afraid - even without a dog's leash to trip over.

So much of my weight loss has been hindered by fear. Fear of success. Fear of failure. Fear of what weight loss will change in my life. And fear of running.

It seems as thought much of my life has been spent recognizing and dealing with bad knees. I had my first knee surgery in junior high, and then the summer before my freshman year of college, I had a second knee surgery. Both my knees are bad. Both my knees have been operated on. And both my knees aren't quite as strong as they should be.

I so badly want to run. And I've spent some time running on the treadmill and a bit of time running during my several 5k's, but I have not committed to the sport out of fear. Every so often, when I'm running, I will feel my knee cap move and almost give out. That didn't happen today, but my entire knee has been throbbing almost all day.

Getting rid of the excess weight can only help. And concentrating on walking more, getting accustomed to uneven terrains, can only help as well.

I think I also need to let go of the fear. I just don't quite know how to.

I've tried the Couch to 5K program, but I never make it through the whole program. It seems just impossible to run for that long with these knees of mine. I honestly worry that my body is not capable of sustaining a long run though I truly want to be able to call myself a runner.

I'm not sure what the future holds with running. I don't know if I'll ever be able to run a half-marathon or a 10K or even a 5K. But I do know that - somehow - I have to move on from my fear and learn to trust my body and my knees. I'm just not sure how.

(title from "sort of" by ingrid michaelson)

hello monday (week 2)

Hello, Monday. I'm hoping you will be a great start to an even better week. Hopefully you feel the same way too. The weekend was filled with laughter, time with my husband, and lots of sleep. All the things I need in order to start the week off right.

Hi, husband. I loved seeing you all dressed up on Friday night. I just wish we had taken a picture. Guess it's just another reason to get dressed up again soon. Maybe in two weeks when we go out on a fancy double date?

Hello, work week. Let's make sure it's a good one, right? I know I have a lot to do. Maybe too much, but I'm going to do my best to fit everything in.  

Hi, new house. You have electricity! And brick on part of the house! It's almost like you're ready for us to move into. And I can not wait. I'm so excited to paint your front door a bright blue, decorate you for Christmas, cooke turkey chili in your kitchen, and spend lots of time sitting in front of the fire. Can we just call you ours already?

Hello, gym. I'm really glad we are back to becoming close friends. I love spending time with you, and I have every intention of making our time together a daily occurrence. Here's to hoping I will soon feel even more comfortable lifting weights. I'm ready to buff up and trim down even more!

Hi, husband. It's me again. We're just weeks away from our new house; can you believe it? Can't wait to spend lots of nights in with you! Also can't wait to buy new furniture, a new washer and dryer, and of course a new TV. It's almost like we're real adults or something.

Also, today I am linking up with Meg for Mingle Monday. Come join us!

high five for friday (link-up)

This week hasn't been the easiest thanks to giving up diet coke and diet dr. pepper while battling a cold/upper respiratory infection. But this week has been wonderful. So I am linking up with From My Grey Desk and giving a high five to Friday!

1. I didn't eat any fast food this week. At least not the kind that McDonald's serves. I stuck to places like Jason's Deli and Panera Bread. And I stayed within my calorie range every day this week. A huge accomplishment for any week (weight loss is hard!) but an even bigger accomplishment when all I really wanted to do was eat lots of macaroni and cheese... (And for those wondering, I track what I eat with MyFitnessPal and wear the BodyMedia Fit to track my activity [I forgot to wear it Thursday so it does an approximation of calories burned; I know it's off by several hundred]. The combination of the two is what is helping me succeed. I feel so accountable to myself, and I can tell how much better I feel already!)

2. I haven't had a coffee or a diet anything since Sunday. I've been drinking water and green tea. There were a few times I almost caved - especially since I somewhat convinced myself that I was more sick because I was withdrawing from the bad for you diet sodas. But I didn't give in.

3. They (finally) started wiring our house with electricity this week! Originally it was supposed to be wired last week but there were some issues with the electrician. Our builder called me on Wednesday to give me the bad news that they didn't know when the wiring would start. Lots of talk abotu contracts and permits and the city. I was a little (okay a lot) frustrated. And I might have talked about it with people. But then, just a few hours later, the builder texted me a picture of an electricians van parked on our soon-to-be driveway. Closing is still pushed back I think, but we're moving along still. So our house continues to teach me about patience, and God continues to remind me that He has it all under control and that I need to stop freaking out.

4. I blogged this week. Four posts total. It's been a long time (too long!) since I made my blog a priority and that has got to change. I tend to do better with everything when I am blogging. Maybe it's because I feel more accountable? Not sure. But I do know I feel more like myself when I'm writing and engaging and just doing something for me.

5. I've run/walked a total of five miles this week. Some were with the dogs around the neighborhood and some were on the elliptical. I almost didn't go to the gym yesterday because I just didn't want to, but I had the time so I made myself go. Best decision I have made this week. It helped me realize that I have to do these things -- eat right, exercise, drink water -- even when I don't want to. I know that's not mind blowing but for me it was. I've thought about it before but never practiced it or claimed it as knowledge.

weight loss wednesday (week 8)

Today’s Weight: 224

Total Loss: 41 (I lost one pound over the past week - finally!)

What I craved this week: I didn't have any specific cravings - except for more soup. Really, when I ate something I shouldn't have, it was because it was there - not because I was craving it. So I am going to do my best to stay away from eating things that are not good for me - even when it means saying no to eating at certain places and spending time with people at restaurants.

What I noticed was different about my body: I bought semi-fitted crop pants. The kind I never thought I would be able to wear. You know the ones that are a little tight and do not have a tie around the waist. And my butt looks good in them. Or at least decent.

My body is strong, and I am so much more capable than I thought. I ran a mile in 11:30 on the elliptical this week. It was my fastest mile ever. And just two days prior I had run the mile in 13:30 thinking I wouldn't be able to go any faster for a while. But I can and I did.

Workouts planned for this week: Lots of running on the elliptical. I also purchased new resistance bands to help strengthen my legs, so I plan on utilizing those as well. I want to make sure I get in enough cardio and weight/resistance training. Time to be strong and lean! I started fighting off a cold on Monday morning, so I'm not sure what my morning work outs will be like. I would love, love, love to fit in a spin class or swimming at some point this week. I used to be able to do those on my lunch break, and I miss them dearly. Maybe on Saturday?

Personal Goal(s) for this week: No more diet coke or diet anything. My husband and I sat down for dinner Sunday night, and I devoured delicious sashimi and fresh summer rolls. And he told me how worried he was about my love of diet coke and how he wanted to support me in being "hard core" about getting healthy. He talked about the negatives of diet coke and how he felt like drinking it would negate any other progress I made. So I am listening and giving up the best carbonated drink ever.

I'm also ready to get better. I came home from work sick on Tuesday and spent lots of time on the couch. My fever finally broke after bundling up with fuzzy socks, a sweatshirt, and two thick blankets. Luckily I've done well with my eating while sick - turning to tomato soup instead of macaroni and cheese which is my comfort food of choice.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week:

What I'm looking forward to: Nailing down a workout schedule. If I am going to do this (and I am), then I need to stick to a schedule. Also working out to Taylor Swift's new CD, Red. And running at least one 5K on the elliptical. And finally a full week of good, healthy food decisions.

so lead me back

I've been on this journey for longer than I like to admit (it started back in the middle of 2011) and much longer than I like to think about. I've had both setbacks (like this one and this one) and successes (like this one and this one); though the setbacks seems to outweigh the successes. And through it all, I've wondered why it is that I have yet to cross the finish line. I've wondered why so many other people have been able to do it while I just can't seem to.

I'm not quite sure there's an answer to the question why. If there is, I'm not quite sure I want to know what it is.

What I do know, right now, is that I have to make hard decisions. What I do know, right now, is that I have to be the change. I have to say no to eating at certain restaurants. I have to not just give in because it's easy. It's not fair to expect others to plan their meals and life around me, so I have to plan, pick, and choose around me.

I have to truly put myself first - which is honestly the hardest thing for me to do. My heart and my passions are for caring for other people. But if I don't stop and look inward... if I don't spend time focusing on myself.. then I'm never going to cross the finish line and I am always going to let someone else be the priority. I am always going to wonder why I just can't do it.

On Sunday, I said no to lunch at a local Mexican food restaurant. I told my husband to go, and I stayed home. After eating too much Saturday night, I just knew I couldn't do it.

Temptation is always there. I did well Saturday. I chose a grilled chicken sandwich and chili for lunch at Steak N Shake over a double steak burger and fries. I watched others enjoy a milk shake and instead sipped my diet coke. For dinner, I chose food off the under 500 calorie menu at Longhorn. And I said no - repeatedly - to cake, but after hours of seeing the cake and smelling it, I couldn't say no. And so I ate a rather large slice along with a little container of ice cream. 

I just don't have the willpower right now. I know what is best for me and what works for me, but really, more than anything, I want to be normal. I want to be able to enjoy foods in moderation like it seems everyone else can. But I am not that person. I am not someone who is happy with a sliver of cake or a single scoop of ice cream. I want a large piece with lots of frosting and the biggest bowl of ice cream.

It's exhausting being this way. And it's lonely. And hard. But I can't continue living in a state of equal (or greater than) setbacks compared to successes. It's not fair to me or to my health.

So I am going to continue to take myself out of situations. And I am going to make a commitment to myself every single morning. And when it gets hard, I am going to pray for help because I can't do this on my own.

(title from "ghosts that we knew" by mumford and sons)

hello monday (week 1)

Hello, Monday. And goodbye weekend. I can't believe how quickly you arrived. To be honest, I kind of wish you would have been slower to get here. I need more than 48 hour weekends. Could we maybe try doubling the weekend time? It can be our little secret.

Hi, husband. Thank you for all your hard work. Kissing you early Saturday morning (like 4:15am early) and then heading back to bed while you headed off to work reminded me - yet again - of your servant's heart. I'm beyond blessed to have you as the leader of our family. Here's to hoping that next weekend I don't have to kiss you quickly and then bid you a good day at work.

Hello, work week. I'm always a bit anxious for you to start. And this week is no different. I know you'll be filled with to do lists, stress, chaos, and a few unexpected items. Sometimes I don't think I will survive you but I always do. Heres to hoping I kick your butt this week.

Hi, new house. I walked around you on Saturday and snapped a few more pictures of you thus far. I am really ready for you to have electrical wiring, insulation and sheet rock. I'd also love for you to have carpet. But I'm doing my best to be patient and learn all the lessons you're already teaching me. November 15th is less than a month away. Can't wait to call you all mine!

Hello, running. Because of you I think I have plantar fasciitis. It has to be the running - not the cheap but oh so adorable flats from Target, right? Right. I just want you to know I forgive you and that I will not give you up. Oh and that mile I ran in eleven and a half minutes last week was AWESOME. Can't wait to run more miles and even faster!

Hi, Taylor Swift. Your album drops today. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. I think you and I could be best friends in real life. Seriously. So call me.. maybe?

Hello, husband (again). Thanks again for loving me. And pursuing me. Can you believe everything happening in our lives? Unbelievable. I'm glad you are so calm when I am so.. not calm. You always help me to find my way back. I love you for that.

Hi, Jesus. What lessons do you have for me to learn this week? I'm open to hear what you have to say, and I am going to make my way through the week with palms up ala Bob Goff. Thank you for always sticking by me, always pursuing me, and giving me strength when I don't feel like I have any. I need you more than anything.

PS: Come mingle at Meg's blog!

making me feel right

the front of our house in process.

We have an actual house right now. It's no longer just framing and windows. We can't live in it yet, but it is beginning to take shape. The more it comes together the less afraid I become.

And I have been afraid. Last week, I couldn't sleep on Friday night. I was too worried about colors and windows and lighting and furniture and all these questions. Did I make the right choices? Was this all a mistake? Could we even afford a new house?

This isn't my dream house. My dream house is nestled in Norman, OK and out of my price range. But this is the house I will be able to dream in. It's a house of over 2,000 square feet and three bedrooms. A house that will propel me from one stage of life into the next. A house that will cover us in warmth and cool us down when we need it.

We're still a month or so away from moving in, but already I've learned so much from this house and the process we've gone through to get to where we are right now. It's all been by the grace of God.

I've learned (and am still learning) to just trust the process. I've learned to see God as sovereign. I've learned that God really does work all things together for the good of those that love and trust Him. This blessing has shown me that. I've learned that there will always be work to do and that not everything will be perfect but that's a good, God thing. Because if things were perfect, we would just rest in that and never try to grow or change.

I've seen just how blessed we are. We're living with my husband's parents right now - awaiting the time when we can move into our new home. Our dogs are loved and cared for, and we go to bed every night warm or cool - whichever we need to be to sleep comfortable. We're able to save money like we've never been able to before and that has allowed us the chance to breathe and to dream.

the view from the back porch. our lot ends at
the white post.

Having room to breathe and to dream is allowing me the chance to look into the future with excitement and not fear. We're not ready for a lot of "next steps" right now - like starting a family - but we are inching closer. I never really thought I would be ready but I am right now thanks to this house.

I'm also seeing how this is all a part of God's plan. He knew when it would be time for us to sell our first house. He knew where we would and should settle into our second house. We're moving west. We don't know many people there yet but we do have friends. And we have the open sky and a Christmas tree farm to look at.

It doesn't make sense - how we can somehow get everything in this house - but that's how God works. He just does His thing - even when we don't understand because His way doesn't have to make sense.

(title from "everything has changed" by taylor swift)

weight loss wednesday (week 7)

I feel like, recently, I’ve been doing just enough. It's why I've conveniently missed writing this post for almost a month.

I’ve made it to the gym at least once every week but not really more than that. I’ve counted my calories four days out of every week but not every day of the week. I’ve drunk at least one bottle of water but not enough water.

This has resulted in no weight loss but no weight gain. And while I am glad the number on the scale is not increasing, I’m frustrated the number is not shrinking. Similarly my waist is staying the same. Also better than growing, but I would prefer it to shrink.

I know what to do. I know what works for me. But I get lazy. And I get tired. And I continue to put other things in front of the gym and eating well. I choose the easier path rather than the path I really want to travel down.

And then I grow silent. I tell myself that since I’m not doing all the right things through the week that I shouldn’t even write anything at all. That allows the cycle to begin again and keeps me from moving forward. I’m tired of being in this same spot. It’s time to move out of it.

BodyMedia and MyFitnessPal recently joined forces. This means I have no excuse to not track what I eat. The amount of resources MyFitnessPal has combined with the BodyMedia LINK tracking my every move and snore means I can (and will) be successful.

So I am back on this train of healthiness. I’m reminding myself that I am important and that I deserve to succeed. And I’m not giving up.

Thank you for sticking with me in my absence and please feel free to send any encouraging words. We can all use the reminder that we can succeed and that we are not alone!

Today’s Weight: 225

Total Loss: 40 pounds

What I craved this week: Lots of soups! It’s finally getting cool in Oklahoma, and I am taking every opportunity I can to eat soup. I’m also so, so ready to be settled in our new house so I can find my cookware (it’s packed…somewhere) and start making my own soups and chilis!


 What I noticed was different about my body: My stomach is flatter than it was compared to when I first began this journey. I’m trying to focus on what it will be like when it is 100% flat and not worry about the possibility of extra skin.

Also, earlier in the month, I participated in the Dirty 30 Race (Zombie Edition). It was freezing and grey, and I didn’t complete every obstacle (dang knees!) but I loved every second of it. I loved that I felt like I was capable of attempting the race and that I completed it – muddy and wet.

Workouts planned for this week: Right now? None. I need to get out of bed in the morning and get moving right away! I’m planning to squeeze in 30-minutes on the elliptical this afternoon/evening. I need the chance to sweat and clear my head.

Personal Goal(s) for this week: Track everything I eat for the next week and always wear my BodyMedia Link. I think this will really help me to focus and see just how much (or how little) I am doing.

Favorite Quote(s) for this week: You must do the thing you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
What I'm looking forward to: Growing. I am in yet another season of change. But it’s more about growth. Growth with my walk with God, growth in my marriage, and growth in friendships. I know getting healthy will only help with this time of growth.

And then there’s growth in the physical sense. Muscles getting stronger. Body getting slimmer. I can’t wait to be able to do so many things I never thought I would. I can’t wait to continue to train for runs and marathons and obstacle courses and then see how that training plays out.