cause i am worthy

Over a year ago, when I first announced to my friends, family, and the blog world that I was going to lose 100 pounds (at least), I thought that was the only goal I would need. I saw it. The way I would look in clothes. How much better I would feel. How inspiring my story would be. How I would never, ever go back to needing to lose weight.

And I thought that was the only goal I would need.

I was wrong. So, so wrong.

It worked for a little while. Long enough for me to lose 40 pounds. And then I regained and lost the same five pounds for several months. But I didn't lose any more than the 40 pounds. I felt stuck. Like it was just never going to happen for me.

Something happened a few weeks ago. I realized that this weight loss is so much bigger than me. I prayed - A LOT. I continue to pray a lot. And those prayers are being answered as I navigate the world of counting calories and caring for myself. I can't do this out of my own strength; I have to lean on God who is so much stronger than I am. And I have to trust that He will give me the power and strength to lose this weight once and for all.

And I have to take it one day at a time. One day of praying. One day of leaning on Him.

While praying, I focused on small goals each day for the past two weeks. It was a goal to not binge. To stay as close to, if not under, my calorie goal. And I reached it - each day. Some were better than others, but still I reached it.

Again, one day at a time. One day of tracking. One day of working out.

Now I feel hopeful, for the first time in months, about losing weight. I feel like I can truly do this. I feel like I am capable. I no longer feel weighted down by food. And I'm starting to enjoy food again instead of just shoveling it into my mouth. That's such a wonderful feeling. I also feel like I am not overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of 100 pounds to lose.

I also feel empowered. I can say no. I do say no. To treats like cupcakes and to slices of pizza. If I don't feel strong enough to say no, I pray, and suddenly I'm not craving that cupcake quite as bad. I'm also getting better at choosing where to eat and only choosing places I know will have healthy options for me to choose from.

Feeling empowered has reminded me how important this weight loss is to me. It has also reminded me of how important small goals are. I don't want to get lost in the overwhelmingness of losing over 100 pounds. I want to focus on small goals until I make my BIG goal a reality.

I have tracked for two weeks now. That was another goal. To focus on what I am eating and how much I am eating. If I don't, I get carried away. And by tracking, by meeting this goal, I've learned what it feels like to be full and what it feels like to be hungry. Instead of just what it feels like to eat when I'm sad or frustrated.

My goal now is to lose 25 pounds by Christmas. I want to be in the ever illusive one-derland by the time Santa Clause comes to visit. And once I reach the ever illusive one-derland, I will be more than halfway to my goal weight.

I'm going to take it one day at a time to get to 25 pounds lost. One day of tracking. One day of drinking water and green tea. One day of no fried foods. One day of no diet soda. One day of exercise. One day of wearing my Body Media Fit. One day of surrounding myself with supportive people. And then another day and another day. One day at a time and lots of prayer.

(title from "in this skin" by jessica simpson)