the end of fear is where we begin

picture found here

The past weekend was exhausting. It was full of discussions, small arguments, more discussions, and the list goes on. I think I communicated more with my husband than I have in some time. We talk daily (multiple times a day), but sometimes, we don't fully communicate. It's not necessarily for lack of trying (though sometimes it is) but more from not knowing how to form words and sentences that express how we truly feel or think.

I'm a person who likes to have everything planned out, and I do not do well when things do not go according to plan. I am also a person who works, works, works, and then collapses from the exhaustion and stress I have put on myself. I also overthink every little thing. And I overworry.

My husband is a hard worker. He will follow a plan, but his plans are more fluid while mine are more rigid. He doesn't worry the way I do or overthink things.

In many ways, it's good that we are opposites. A house of two of me or two of him would likely not function as efficiently as it should. A house of one of me and one of him is more efficient but also makes communicating more difficult. It's hard for me to understand where he is coming from and also hard for him to understand where he is coming from. Which is how we got to this weekend.

We talk a lot. But we don't always listen. We talk a lot. But we don't always communicate. And after a busy week, after feeling overloaded in every department of my life, after holding on too tightly to how I think things should go, I lost it. A few times. And he was there - to break through every wall I built up (even though I did my best to get him to just let me be).

That's how real communication should be. While it's good to give each other time to rest, sometimes we need someone ot force the issue at hand until we are forced to let go of all the things we've held back. It's not pretty, but it's necessary. And our communication wasn't pretty, but it was necessary.

I don't really know how it all started or why I held so much in. But I know this much: it was my fault. I put on the mask that everything was going well. I talked about how much faith and trust I had in God, in the fact that everything would work out. I talked and talked and talked, but there was very little truth behind the talking. I wanted it to be true, but I was holding onto my plans, my desires, my fears, my everything - instead of letting go and opening up to the possibilities God had in store.

Now that it is all out in the open, I feel exposed - in a way I never have before. And it's scary. It's terrifying to know that God knows, that my husband knows the truth - the truth I thought I could keep to myself. And when I wake up every morning, there is a little panic that goes along with having people know how you really think and how you really feel. Every morning, I ask God to help me continue to trust Him. Every morning, I remind myself that I do trust Him. I repeat those words often so that they will become solid truth in my life.

When things started to happen on Saturday morning, I read a post on incourage.me about trusting God through the trials. My husband was at work that morning, and I commented to our roommate about how the post resonated with me. And it did. Though now it resonates even more.

Like I discussed earlier, I am reading Deutoronomy, and I am learning how much it speaks to my life. The lessons are hard but relevant. And reading about someone else's struggles to trust God through difficult times is relevant. Even more relevant now than I thought it was when I first read it. Right or wrong, I want God to lead me into easier times. I am ready for His blessings and His peace and His promises, but just as the Israelites traveled the desert in wait, I also have to wait.

I talked about some of this with a friend last night, and she asked me if I truly felt like God were leading me somewhere currently. I thought about the question for a moment before I answered. I'm not sure. It almost feels like we are right where He wants us to be. But I do not want to be here. I am trying to learn to accept where we are, but it's a struggle.

This friend of mine is currently living overseas. We spent a summer teaching in China together, and our friendship bloomed from that time. Now that she is halfway across the world, instead of a two-hour drive away, our friendship is deepening. Her words and stories about her travels speak to me because they remind me of how many different ways God can teach us all the same things. He just tailors the lessons to our specific needs.

So now I am trying. I am trying to not leap but to sit. I am trying to not run but to wait. I am trying to not close my eyes but to trust.

(title from "let love in" by the goo goo dolls)